no matter what

Tonight I laid next to my son on the bottom bunk to tell him good-night. We chatted for a bit and then I headed into a quick intentional conversation topic: loving him no matter what. If he was naughty or having a bad day or did something that he thought would really disappoint him: I might be sad, but I would still love him no matter what. (Even if I was ugly, Mom? Hahaha! Yes, goofball, even if you were ugly). 

This reminded me of another conversation I had last week with my 20 year old niece. She is doing amazing things with Students For Life, a group of pro-life supporters with the desire to educate people about their choice regarding abortion. 

Without getting too far off topic, here was one aspect that we talked about: parents communicating with their children about the mistakes their kids have made and how they will love them through it. There is a severe lack of this form of communication! Standards are set and making any choices that take you outside those standards would be life-shattering! So where does that leave our teens? With no choice but to keep secrets from their parents and potentially make decisions that will affect them the rest of their lives. 

Do you remember being a teenager? The temptations are greater now, people! There are more things available to trip up our children than when we were kids. And available to them younger now! I have to work hard to protect my kids' little hearts. 

Let me ask you this: have you told your teenager that you love them no matter what? Does the thought of doing that make you uncomfortable? I don't know about you, but I think not telling them is a bigger risk than the few (however uncomfortable) moments you take to open a door of communication with your teen. (Bonus: you are setting the example of God's unconditional love for them as well.)

And I know what some of you are thinking: "If I tell my kid that I'll love them no matter what they do, then I'm practically giving them permission to go ahead and do it!" 

But I'm telling you this: your kid is not perfect and has already made mistakes that maybe you don't even know about. 

HOWEVER, if you have established that communication with your child to begin with, you can help to educate them about the outcome of their choices (because chances are you made a few bad choices yourself as a teen), so that they not only have their wisdom to apply to it, but yours too. 

(That was a lovely run-on sentence with a whole lot going on in it. I'm sorry! And you might want yo go back and read it again - I had to a few time.) 

I might not know much about those teenage years yet, (although my daughter has been acting like a 16 year old for about 5 years now...) but I do know that the notes my parents left me in my room and the words they spoke to me in difficult situations went far in my life. Your teen might act like your words don't mean that much to them, but your words mean the world to them. 

Keep talking to them. 

KC

Jesus and birthday parties

"But when Jesus comes, what if I'm not ready?!" Yet another one of Jayne's deep emotionally involved questions. (Seriously deep-thinking kiddo here. No wonder she gets emotional. That's a lot for a kid to think about!) 

I told her that I don't know what it's going to be like. I don't even know exactly what heaven's going to be like. But I trust Jesus enough to know that He loves us and only wants good things for us. That means it's all going to be more wonderful than we can even imagine and we are not going to want to be back here on this earth!

Just like her birthday party coming up. She might not know every single detail about what I am planning, but she trusts me enough to know that it's going to be a good thing. And then she got distracted talking about all the things she wants to do for her birthday party and who to invite and when she should have her party. (Squirrel!) 

I think we resolved that fear for now. Or at least distracted her from it for the time being. 

But I, for one, am grateful that I don't have to fear the future. I might not know exactly how it's all going to go down, but I'm okay with that. God knows and I trust Him. 

Maybe heaven will be like an awesome birthday party...

KC

I don't want to grow up

So in a tear filled conversation that I recently had with Jayne, she began by voicing all these different in-the-future fears that she had, ending with, "...so I don't ever want to grow up, sob!" 

I think sometimes we discuss our grown up problems in such a way that we make "growing up" sound like a terrible thing! We don't always realize that our kids are catching so much from just a couple of spoken sentences.

And I will admit that there are times when I've felt each of these (all found through Pinterest):

Growing up means hard work and life is not always fun and "happy, happy, joy, joy," but there are a lot of wonderful things about growing up too: driving a car, living in a dorm, getting married, raising a family (because as difficult as it is to raise kids, it is totally worth all the effort), picking out your own food at the grocery store, wearing whatever outfit you want to church (because seriously: I hated wearing dresses and skirts as a kid), getting whatever pet you want in your own home...

And there's so much more! Being able to rent a car (ok, not super exciting, but still kinda cool), being able to skydive (which you will never catch me doing in this lifetime), decorating your house in the decór you like, creating deep and valuable friendships, growing in a relationship with God beyond what you thought possible, traveling to see His creation all over the world, finding fulfillment in having a career, doing it well, and making a difference in other people's lives.

But sometimes we get stuck in the yuck of being an adult. And it's difficult to keep that from our kids. But they are affected, they hear us moan and complain, and suddenly being an adult looks like something they'd rather not do. 

Unfortunately, they are going to be doing this adulting thing longer that the being a kid thing, so we might as well try to portray the joys of being and adult. Who knows? We might find out that it's not so bad afterall...

KC

intentional conversation...huh?

One thing I've figured out about this whole parenting thing is that it sure takes up a large portion of my day! And if I'm being honest, some of that time has been difficult to give. 

The middle of the night call from your newborn who is unhappy because the dirty diaper is squished halfway up his back. 

Sleeping (sorta) next to your 4-yr-old on the floor because he got Hand, Foot, and Mouth and is constantly waking up to pain on his feet and toes.

Listening to your toddler yell and scream for an entire 20 minute drive home because she didn't get what she wanted at the store.

Hanging out watching Dora the Explorer again because your little girl wants you to watch it with her. "Swiped, no swiping!" 

(I'm pretty sure there were some Little Einstein episodes that I had memorized.)

But if I'm honest once again, some of the most time consuming incidents have been the most valuable times with my kids. Either they have learned something or I have learned something. Either way, it was important time spent with my children.

One of the things that took me a while to gain patience for was having intentional conversations with my kids. Essentially, I identified topics that I could see were important to discuss with my child, and then made time to talk with her about it. One of the pastors at our church kinda led us in that direction. 

Here was one example that got us started in the right direction:

Our daughter thinks she rules the roost (she's thought this way since she was a toddler). At around 7 years old, I sat her down on our couch and explained that she was not the boss of this house, but that Mom and Dad were. We talked about what that meant for her, how we expected to be treated and what our expectations for her were. We didn't wait to have this conversation with her until we were upset with something and just completely frustrated with her. She doesn't really listen well in that type of situation. I chatted with her in a calm manner and engaged her in the conversation with questions so that she was listening and responding and participating in this intentional conversation. 

I'd love to say that one conversation changed her whole outlook on who's the boss of this here house but she was 7 and needed a few more conversations for it to sink in. Kids tend to learn lessons better through repetition (like training a puppy...)

We've had conversations about how to treat the ones you love (for example little brothers who are so easy to hold down and pick on). And talked about what God gave us hands and feet for (again, not for hitting or kicking little brothers).

We've had serious conversations about how no matter what happens in life, Mom and Dad will always love you. Even when you think you've made some stupid decision, or you think you have hurt our feelings or made us super mad. Even then, we will still love you and be here for you. (This was a few years back when a young man took his own life and I wanted my children to know that this mom's love was unconditional.)

We have had very intentional conversations about the private parts on their bodies and who is allowed to see them. These are boundaries that we needed to establish for our children so that their innocence might be better protected. They are too young to understand when they might be getting taken advantage of so we gave them their boundaries and opened the door of conversation about a topic that might otherwise always remain hidden.

I have had numerous conversations about God and His awesome plan of salvation and how my kids can get that salvation. Because as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing more important than where my children go after this life for eternity. And both of them have Jesus in their hearts as their own Savior. (Call me blessed!!)

I think you've probably got the idea of what intentional conversations (or "on purpose chats with pre-determined subject matter") are and this post went a bit longer than I intended... Sorry. 

However, I have at least one more post to write on this subject. So stay tuned!

KC

PS- what are you going to chat about with your kiddos today?

the fruit of intentional conversation

Sometimes when you're a parent, life comes to a screeching halt. Whether it's something major or minor, having kids in your life can foil your best laid plans.

Tonight, after saying good-night to both kids, I set about the house to get all those pesky little chores taken care of so I could sit and relax just for a bit: dishes, sweeping the kitchen floor, straightening up the family room, doing one last load of laundry. I had a blog post or two that needed to be written and maybe an episode or two of a Netflix show to watch.

As I got started on the chore list, my Jayne called me from her room. Thinking it was just a quick snuggle she needed, I headed upstairs. 

Nope! Turns out she needed to have a couple of deep conversations, tears and all. When those conversations happen, I grab ahold of the opportunity to speak to my girl's heart and give it as much time as I need to teach her whatever God has in mind for me to teach. 

When she calls me upstairs to have these conversations, I feel blessed. My daughter wants to share her heart with me. She is not afraid to have difficult conversations with me. I have worked hard to create that open door of conversation with her and am grateful for the times when I see it pay off. Someday she's going to be a teenager and the conversations are going to be even more difficult. I hope with my whole heart that she will still call me up to her room to chat about the tough stuff. You better believe that I'm going to keep working at it so she will!

Intentional conversation: probably one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received in raising a strong-willed child. But I believe that it is valuable for every child. Even my son comes to me with questions all the time about subjects that I would think are beyond him. These little minds are constantly thinking and trying to figure out life. Taking the time to talk with them and explain the "whys" and the "hows" helps them understand life a little more. And I think when you understand, then life seems a little less scary and a little easier to manage.

(Need a little more help understanding this "intentional conversation" thing? Stay tuned this week...)

Tonight's subjects with Jayne were pretty awesome. I see about 5 different blog posts from this conversation alone. 

The floors can stay dirty until tomorrow....

(Me with a couple of cute goofballs!)

KC

accountability for my weaknesses

A while back I identified one of my 215 weaknesses (there are probably more, but I haven't identified them all yet). Self-discipline. I am not self-disciplined. Even about the things I am passionate about! Exercising, writing, singing, eating healthy....

But identifying that weakness was the first step. Finding ways to correct it has been the next step.

Sometimes all it takes is seeing the results of staying self-disciplined: exercising brought about a strength I never knew I could posses and the change in my body shape was definitely motivating. Making healthier choices in what I ate made a huge difference in how I felt physically. And staying disciplined in both of those areas increased my mental strength as well. (I didn't realize the importance of mental strength until I possessed it). 

But other areas, I noticed, required something more, hence the lack of self-discipline. I needed accountability, someone to check in on me to make sure I was getting it done. 

So I did it. I made commitments to others. Running with my brother. Singing with my niece. Meeting with a good friend to keep me accountable to the growth of this blog. And this makes me excited because things are going to get done! 

Goals are going to be met! 

Dreams are going to come true!! 

Okay, that's a little over the top, but you never know...

What do you need help accomplishing? 

Need an accountability partner? 

KC

messy house

The past week or so I have been deep cleaning rooms and closets and cupboards and shelves. The purging process has become addicting as I look at my organized rooms and closets and cupboards and shelves. And I feel more relaxed and in control.

But here's the funny thing: my house, on a surface level has now been messier over the past couple of weeks. Things on the floor and on tables or counters. Legos, markers, paper, books.... You'd think that it would stress me out!

But it doesn't and I think I have figured out why.

Everything now has a home. That feels good. 

I look at the small messes throughout the house and I know they can be easily straightened up. It didn't used to be that way. Because the deep parts of my house were chaos. Adding surface messes to the deep messes just brought life nearly out of control!

(I know. What a weird thing to sit and think about and figure out, but that's kinda just how my mind works. I often overthink things, but it actually helps me understand myself and other people better.)

And here's the application that came to mind today (because I overthink things): my life can be so busy at times that it can seem to border on catastrophe. But deep down in my heart and soul, I am set on a Rock. That Rock is steadfast. The deep is not out of control. It is controlled by Someone greater than me. That is where my peace comes from to make it through the day's chaos. 

Although the surface might be a bit messy, the deep is not out of control. Yep. That's a pretty good picture of my life, and that's exactly how it needs to be.

KC