ruined parenting reputations

So in conversation this evening with some very good girlfriends of mine, a topic came up that I feel the need to share. Probably because I can relate quite well. It has to do with parenting, of course, because parenting is 75% of my life (with 20% sleeping and 5% in conversation with my husband discussing parenting issues.. ) 

So here is the short of it (and maybe the long of it too, but I never really understood that prase: "the long and the short of it," so I'm just going to go with the short of it.) Our kids are who they are. We do our best to shape and to mold and guide them, but sometimes our kids make decisions that are not in line with who we are trying to raise them to be. They are totally ruining our reputation as "parents with good child-raising skills."

Here's an example: my daughter has been told over and over again not to exclude friends from anything. She has had that happen to her and it hurts her feelings. And yet, after numerous conversations about this, she still manages to roll over one of the nieghbor kids (not friends with his parents on facebook...phew) and tell him he cannot climb our tree, which EVERY OTHER KID IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD IS ALLOWED TO DO (with parental permission, of course.) 

Child. 

Seriously. 

His parents probably think we are horrible parents!

So what do we do? We talk to her, teach her how to handle the situation better next time, hope she listens to us and pray that the neighbors don't actually hate us because our kid chose to be unkind. 

This parenting thing is a pain. These kids are ruining our reputations left and right.

But there is hope! I see my nieces and nephews growing into amazing young women and men. It gives me a passion to keep striving with my own kids, hoping that they will grow into amazing young men and women, but that means loads of prayer and guidance. 

Tomorrow is a new day to try and shape those little twerps, but for now I'm off to go get my 20% sleep.

KC

thankful for...

Every once in a while I get caught up in the world of dissatisfaction. 

My carpets are a mess.

My kids drove me straight crazy this afternoon.

My kitchen needs a major upgrade.

I can't keep this house clean (Children. No need to say more.)

Not enough time in the day.

Why doesn't my furniture match?

And why doesn't this body act like it did when I was 25....really not happy about that. 

But there's this phrase that always sticks in my head to combat the "dissatisfactions."

(Yes, I make up words and bend grammar rules. If that bugs you, I apologize, but only a very small apology.)

There is always, always, always something to be thankful for. 

And then I start to list them.

1. The wonderful people that God has put in my life, to relate to and commiserate with, get encouragement from, get texts from (just letting me know they're thinking of me), laugh with, be accountable to... This week alone He made those people very evident to me.

(Just FYI: I checked snapchat. I'm not sharing that! 😝)

2. A full pantry. Seriously just walked into our pantry after grocery shopping today and although it's a mess (because I recruited the kids to put the groceries away), it is a blessed mess of God's faithfulness to sustain us.

(Please don't critique the food choices. I am well aware that we probably should not have Spaghettios and fake mashed potatoes in our pantry.)

3. A husband who works and commutes to support this family. He is a determined man, a driven man who works to provide for us and support us. Not every family is as fortunate to have a man like mine. (I won't post his picture. I know he'd be embarrassed. And I know he reads my blogs so I can't even sneak one on here.)

Just listing these three things completely changes my focus and outlook on life. It's as if I have flipped a switch.

So let me ask you this: what are 3 things you are grateful for today? 

Really. I wanna know. I love audience participation.

Tell me in the comments! 

KC

PS. I forgot one: cheese. I will always be thankful for cheese. There is some in the fridge calling my name right now... 

not afraid

I recently watched a TV episode where a couple of young doctors sat with an older gentleman as he was dying. It brought up a lot of the emotions that I felt as I sat with my Pa and watched him die. But there were definite differences (besides the fact that one was a TV show and the other was real and personal).

The main difference was this: 

I did not sit in fear as I watched my Pa pass on. I was not afraid of what was going to happen to him or where he was going. I had no doubt that his destination was heaven. And although I don't know exactly what heaven will be like, I'm trusting that God has it all figured out to be beyond our understanding of what amazingness is. My Pa is there. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm jealous. I'm going there someday to experience unfathomable amazingness...

I like to picture my Pa on a lake, fishing, plaid shirt and black jeans, and snacking on a roast beef and mayo sandwich. I like to picture him in his earthly joy. But honestly, I'm not sure God allows fishing in heaven. Or mayo! 

But none of that matters. I believe that heaven is full of joy, that deep-down satisfying joy that comes from knowing a Father who loves you so much, that He created heaven for you. And created a way for you to get there, even with all your black spots.

I miss my Pa desperately some days. I'msad for the hole in my family. I'm sad for those who knew him well but don't get to experience him any more. I'm sad for those of you who never got to meet him. You would have adored the man. I'm heartbroken that my kids spent little to no time with him before he passed on to heaven. 

But I'm not sad for my Pa. 

Because:

Heaven is a wonderful place,

Filled with glory and grace,

I wanna see my Savior's face

Because heaven is a wonderful place.

(I wanna go there!)

 

(I hope that gets stuck in your head today because it's a good one!)

KC

no matter what

Tonight I laid next to my son on the bottom bunk to tell him good-night. We chatted for a bit and then I headed into a quick intentional conversation topic: loving him no matter what. If he was naughty or having a bad day or did something that he thought would really disappoint him: I might be sad, but I would still love him no matter what. (Even if I was ugly, Mom? Hahaha! Yes, goofball, even if you were ugly). 

This reminded me of another conversation I had last week with my 20 year old niece. She is doing amazing things with Students For Life, a group of pro-life supporters with the desire to educate people about their choice regarding abortion. 

Without getting too far off topic, here was one aspect that we talked about: parents communicating with their children about the mistakes their kids have made and how they will love them through it. There is a severe lack of this form of communication! Standards are set and making any choices that take you outside those standards would be life-shattering! So where does that leave our teens? With no choice but to keep secrets from their parents and potentially make decisions that will affect them the rest of their lives. 

Do you remember being a teenager? The temptations are greater now, people! There are more things available to trip up our children than when we were kids. And available to them younger now! I have to work hard to protect my kids' little hearts. 

Let me ask you this: have you told your teenager that you love them no matter what? Does the thought of doing that make you uncomfortable? I don't know about you, but I think not telling them is a bigger risk than the few (however uncomfortable) moments you take to open a door of communication with your teen. (Bonus: you are setting the example of God's unconditional love for them as well.)

And I know what some of you are thinking: "If I tell my kid that I'll love them no matter what they do, then I'm practically giving them permission to go ahead and do it!" 

But I'm telling you this: your kid is not perfect and has already made mistakes that maybe you don't even know about. 

HOWEVER, if you have established that communication with your child to begin with, you can help to educate them about the outcome of their choices (because chances are you made a few bad choices yourself as a teen), so that they not only have their wisdom to apply to it, but yours too. 

(That was a lovely run-on sentence with a whole lot going on in it. I'm sorry! And you might want yo go back and read it again - I had to a few time.) 

I might not know much about those teenage years yet, (although my daughter has been acting like a 16 year old for about 5 years now...) but I do know that the notes my parents left me in my room and the words they spoke to me in difficult situations went far in my life. Your teen might act like your words don't mean that much to them, but your words mean the world to them. 

Keep talking to them. 

KC

Jesus and birthday parties

"But when Jesus comes, what if I'm not ready?!" Yet another one of Jayne's deep emotionally involved questions. (Seriously deep-thinking kiddo here. No wonder she gets emotional. That's a lot for a kid to think about!) 

I told her that I don't know what it's going to be like. I don't even know exactly what heaven's going to be like. But I trust Jesus enough to know that He loves us and only wants good things for us. That means it's all going to be more wonderful than we can even imagine and we are not going to want to be back here on this earth!

Just like her birthday party coming up. She might not know every single detail about what I am planning, but she trusts me enough to know that it's going to be a good thing. And then she got distracted talking about all the things she wants to do for her birthday party and who to invite and when she should have her party. (Squirrel!) 

I think we resolved that fear for now. Or at least distracted her from it for the time being. 

But I, for one, am grateful that I don't have to fear the future. I might not know exactly how it's all going to go down, but I'm okay with that. God knows and I trust Him. 

Maybe heaven will be like an awesome birthday party...

KC

I don't want to grow up

So in a tear filled conversation that I recently had with Jayne, she began by voicing all these different in-the-future fears that she had, ending with, "...so I don't ever want to grow up, sob!" 

I think sometimes we discuss our grown up problems in such a way that we make "growing up" sound like a terrible thing! We don't always realize that our kids are catching so much from just a couple of spoken sentences.

And I will admit that there are times when I've felt each of these (all found through Pinterest):

Growing up means hard work and life is not always fun and "happy, happy, joy, joy," but there are a lot of wonderful things about growing up too: driving a car, living in a dorm, getting married, raising a family (because as difficult as it is to raise kids, it is totally worth all the effort), picking out your own food at the grocery store, wearing whatever outfit you want to church (because seriously: I hated wearing dresses and skirts as a kid), getting whatever pet you want in your own home...

And there's so much more! Being able to rent a car (ok, not super exciting, but still kinda cool), being able to skydive (which you will never catch me doing in this lifetime), decorating your house in the decór you like, creating deep and valuable friendships, growing in a relationship with God beyond what you thought possible, traveling to see His creation all over the world, finding fulfillment in having a career, doing it well, and making a difference in other people's lives.

But sometimes we get stuck in the yuck of being an adult. And it's difficult to keep that from our kids. But they are affected, they hear us moan and complain, and suddenly being an adult looks like something they'd rather not do. 

Unfortunately, they are going to be doing this adulting thing longer that the being a kid thing, so we might as well try to portray the joys of being and adult. Who knows? We might find out that it's not so bad afterall...

KC

intentional conversation...huh?

One thing I've figured out about this whole parenting thing is that it sure takes up a large portion of my day! And if I'm being honest, some of that time has been difficult to give. 

The middle of the night call from your newborn who is unhappy because the dirty diaper is squished halfway up his back. 

Sleeping (sorta) next to your 4-yr-old on the floor because he got Hand, Foot, and Mouth and is constantly waking up to pain on his feet and toes.

Listening to your toddler yell and scream for an entire 20 minute drive home because she didn't get what she wanted at the store.

Hanging out watching Dora the Explorer again because your little girl wants you to watch it with her. "Swiped, no swiping!" 

(I'm pretty sure there were some Little Einstein episodes that I had memorized.)

But if I'm honest once again, some of the most time consuming incidents have been the most valuable times with my kids. Either they have learned something or I have learned something. Either way, it was important time spent with my children.

One of the things that took me a while to gain patience for was having intentional conversations with my kids. Essentially, I identified topics that I could see were important to discuss with my child, and then made time to talk with her about it. One of the pastors at our church kinda led us in that direction. 

Here was one example that got us started in the right direction:

Our daughter thinks she rules the roost (she's thought this way since she was a toddler). At around 7 years old, I sat her down on our couch and explained that she was not the boss of this house, but that Mom and Dad were. We talked about what that meant for her, how we expected to be treated and what our expectations for her were. We didn't wait to have this conversation with her until we were upset with something and just completely frustrated with her. She doesn't really listen well in that type of situation. I chatted with her in a calm manner and engaged her in the conversation with questions so that she was listening and responding and participating in this intentional conversation. 

I'd love to say that one conversation changed her whole outlook on who's the boss of this here house but she was 7 and needed a few more conversations for it to sink in. Kids tend to learn lessons better through repetition (like training a puppy...)

We've had conversations about how to treat the ones you love (for example little brothers who are so easy to hold down and pick on). And talked about what God gave us hands and feet for (again, not for hitting or kicking little brothers).

We've had serious conversations about how no matter what happens in life, Mom and Dad will always love you. Even when you think you've made some stupid decision, or you think you have hurt our feelings or made us super mad. Even then, we will still love you and be here for you. (This was a few years back when a young man took his own life and I wanted my children to know that this mom's love was unconditional.)

We have had very intentional conversations about the private parts on their bodies and who is allowed to see them. These are boundaries that we needed to establish for our children so that their innocence might be better protected. They are too young to understand when they might be getting taken advantage of so we gave them their boundaries and opened the door of conversation about a topic that might otherwise always remain hidden.

I have had numerous conversations about God and His awesome plan of salvation and how my kids can get that salvation. Because as far as I'm concerned, there is nothing more important than where my children go after this life for eternity. And both of them have Jesus in their hearts as their own Savior. (Call me blessed!!)

I think you've probably got the idea of what intentional conversations (or "on purpose chats with pre-determined subject matter") are and this post went a bit longer than I intended... Sorry. 

However, I have at least one more post to write on this subject. So stay tuned!

KC

PS- what are you going to chat about with your kiddos today?