the "i'm sorry but" apology

Today I had to apologize to my husband. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to. I had been inconsiderate and thoughtless and I apologized. 

But I did the "I'm sorry but..."  Yeah, that doesn't really count. I started making all these excuses for why I had been that way.  Yep. I pointed outward at everything else and didn't point at the true cause.  Me.  Here we have working so hard to help our daughter understand that she can't blame everyone else for her actions and attitudes and what do I do? Just that. 

And you know what my husband did?  He pointed it out.  I hate when he's right!  Well I don't always hate when he's right, just when it means I'm wrong.

So I gave myself some space and a bit of time to gather my courage and humility and finally apologized.  I took the blame.  I pointed at myself and I made that apology a real one.  Do you know how hard that is to do?  It literally feels like you are swallowing your pride.  And I do mean "literally" literally.  As I worked up the words I needs to say, my throat fought back against me.  Haven't you ever felt that way?  It's quite uncomfortable.

But it was necessary. After I apologized, I could see in his face that everything was going to be okay.  He would get over it and forgive me as he always does.  

So what do your apologies sound like?  "I'm sorry but..." or "I'm sorry you misunderstood me..." (that's not real either) or even "I'm sorry you feel that way."  Or does your apology ring true: "I'm sorry. I was wrong."  

Like I always tell my daughter, "Don't apologize unless you really mean it."

(Always learning from my own lessons as a mom!)

KC

a kitten named penny

While I was in the shower a few minutes ago, I thought of 4 things that I was going to get done before I went to bed.  I know one of them was writing tonight's blog...but the other 3 things are somewhere in the foggy area of my mind right now. That's okay. I'll think of them right before I fall into a nice deep sleep, or wake up suddenly at 3:00 am remembering what needed to be done!  Arg.

Onto today's post:

As some of you know we recently adopted the most adorable little kitten into our family about a month ago. Her name is Penny and I love her. From her squeaky little meow to the funny way her tail wiggles instead of wags, she is simply adorable.

She (mostly) belongs to my daughter who is 8 and who has grand ideas of being responsible.  Which is why the kitten only "mostly" belongs to her.  Originally, the kitten was to stay in her room at night so that she'd get used to sleeping with my daughter. That was "all she ever wanted" (can you hear the dramatic lilt of her voice?!)

So now in the evenings my daughter pretty much kicks the kitten out of her room.  Oh, did I forget to mention the spunky, energetic, hyper, attack-anything-that-moves personality that this Penny has?  Oh my. 

"She keeps attacking me!"

"She won't let me rest!"

"She hurt me!" (tears)

"I have had it with this cat!" (Seriously folks, her words, not mine).

As I listen to her, a part of me thinks, "Ha! Now she understands what it is like to be her mom!  Attacking me, no rest, hurting me and making me cry (for those of you new to the blog, my daughter is strong-willed so I'm truly not exaggerating on this!) and sometimes I have had it!!"  I just want her to see how difficult this whole parenting this is. 

And then this hits me: perhaps God wants me to see how difficult it is to "parent" me.  And perhaps that is why he put a mirror in front of me in the form of my children.  I can be stubborn.  I can be blind to my selfishness.  I put my wants and desires before Him.  I ignore Him.  And sometimes I do feel like slamming my bedroom door! 

*sigh*

One of my wise brothers (I have three) once told me that God chooses the children He gives us so that He can change us and "grow" us.  And it's interesting because the longer I do this whole parenting thing, the more I realize just how much I still need to grow.

KC

And now onto the 2nd thing I was going to get done tonight: laundry. I kinda wish that I had remember that just before falling asleep because I would have left it in the washer and dryer at that point.  Oh well.

friendship and iced tea

Quite a few years back I had a life lesson that was difficult to go through.  But I came out on the other side with perspective about friendship that has proved to be valuable from then on.

Turns out that I am not a very good friend.  I had a falling out with someone I knew for years and she stopped talking to me.  This was before Facebook so she didn't "unfriend" me but she did unfriend me in real life for a while.  I don't remember much of what went wrong, but I think there was some drama and I don't do drama very well. Plus I was much less mature then than I am now (*ahem*).

So here's what I learned from that whole experience: I am very, very, extremely, very far from perfect. I could list out my weaknesses but that would take me longer than a month. And I can only hope that someone who wants to be my friend will take me with all my weaknesses and all my short-comings. I'll tell you what: if you can take me with my imperfections, I'll take you with yours.

But I also learned this: sometimes being a friend means more giving and less taking.  Sometimes God puts us in a relationship so that He can use us in the other person's life for what they need.  Sometimes it really isn't all about me.  Sometimes it's about something bigger. 

I had a conversation with a friend lately about this exact situation.  It was a reminder to me that sometimes friendship requires the sacrifice of something you desire so that you can be a friend to someone in need.  

So when you see me at the coffee shop sitting with a friend, drinking my strawberry tea, just know that I am sacrificing a pile of laundry, a clean house, and clean dishes to be there! (*wink, wink*)

sleep? nah.

Last night I fell asleep before I wrote my blog. I woke up to see that I was still on the starting page of the blog and I hadn't written a word!  Whoops - I guess my tiredness got the best of me.

I keep trying to remind myself that this exhaustion is just a stage.  It keeps my hope alive that someday I will get a full night's sleep.  Some night my daughter won't ask to sleep on my floor at 2:30.  Some night my son won't wake up an hour later to join her.  Some day my husband won't work nights (without trying to explain the complexities of the night shift, this usually means that I am hanging out later into the night on his nights off). Some day I will sleep an entire night through.

But I think of my future and realize that might not be happening any time soon.  It won't be long before I am waiting up at night to make sure my daughter gets home safe from her friend's house.  Or I'll be up waiting for one of my children to be driving home from a sporting event.  Or I will be staying up late to spend time watching movies or talking with my kids. 

Oh sleep, I miss you!

So this might be a pretty long stage in my life.  Currently, I am embracing short naps and a few long ones and as much caffeine as I can get from my strawberry iced tea. Honestly, this stage of life while my children are young is going to pass so quickly. I keep reminding myself that they are only this size for a bit of my (hopefully) long life.  My son is only 5 for one year out of the 50 or so that I've got left.  Goodness, I love his little 5-year-old self.  And my daughter is growing up so quickly.  I will only be able to pour my knowledge and life experiences into her for so long before she starts making life-changing decisions on her own.  

So, I will trade my sleep for this period of time so that I can cherish and grow my children.  And every morning I ask for a refreshing of the Holy Spirit, for renewed strength and energy for the entire day.  Then I hit the snooze button 3 more times (as per an earlier conversation with friends about how useful the snooze button is) and then get up and (slowly) get going.

But you probably want to wait to talk to me until I have been up at least an hour.  I'm not saying that I'm crabby... It's just that my numerous side takes a bit longer to wake up!

Heading to bed now,

KC

a heavy day

It's been a heavy day today.  Difficult to process.  This morning I found out one of our long time family friends had passed away.  Just saw her on Sunday.  Played piano while her husband, son, and daughter-in-law performed and she watched.  So quickly. Gone.

How do you process that?

In my parents' close group of friends, my Dad was the first to pass away.  She's the second. They are not old.  They are still parents and grandparents watching their grand babies grow up.  Never reaching that "ripe old age."

I can tell you what has gone through my mind for the past 6 years: "it's not fair."  I can tell you all the reasons why it's not fair, but God did not promise fair so I won't torture myself with the "what ifs."  But it's not fair.  

People tell you things all the time to make you feel better.  Although many of them are true and realized, losing a parent sucks.  Forever. Till you yourself pass away into heaven.  But here on earth you live with that pain and ache, sometimes small, sometimes huge, forever.

Today, hug someone.  Tell someone you love them.  Look upon someone and cherish them.  And although it's a cliché, don't take tomorrow for granted.

Prayers for our family friends,

KC

  

forgive me for not being political

You want to know why politics are not high on my list of things to converse about? Two big reasons:

1. I have kids. I know, I know, even more reason to be concerned about politics because it will affect their future! But in my world, I am so focused on parenting and raising these two kids to the best of my ability that I don't have time to read about the government and the ridiculous decisions they make. If I have time to read, it will probably be to get advice on parenting, or something more enjoyable than politics.  Plus, my husband knows a bit about politics and I trust his opinion because he's just as conservative as I am.  Plus, plus, politics make me sad.  

And even more importantly:

2. I have a God and He is pretty big.  Someone had this on their Facebook page today or yesterday (sometimes days just run into each other like that).  It was a reminder of something I already knew.  I'm not worried because even when our world seems out of control, He is not. He is sovereign. Sovereign: one possessing supreme political power (sovereign is also any of various gold coins of the United Kingdom, but that doesn't really apply here). SUPREME!  Supreme: more than just a pizza, it is the highest in rank or authority. (Really enjoying the dictionary app on my phone right now). But seriously, folks - there is no one higher in power.  I will not fear. I will not worry. He is in control.

I know some could criticize my ignorance, but at this point in my life I have not heard God calling me to the political realm.  I have friends who are passionate about politics and I am so grateful to know that there are God-fearing men and women who make politics their business.  

And what I said earlier about not fearing or worrying, I lied a little.  I do fear and I do worry on the surface, but down deep in an unmovable peace and calm that comes with knowing that Someone bigger and better is in control.  

KC

garage #4

Today I tackled the garage.  

Okay, here's the truth (my husband told me today that he reads my blog so I have to tell the truth): We have a lot of garages (whoever designed this house must have run out of ideas and just said, "Let's just make that another garage!"). One garage is for the car. One is for the truck. One has my husbands tools and other "manly garage" stuff (but he graciously shares a little of that space with the kids and with me too).  The last garage is for stuff. Bikes, outside toys, paint, holiday decor, my treasures (I call them treasures; what anybody else calls them I just don't want to know), stuff that came out of the attic of our old house, stuff to sell, stuff to donate: stuff.

So that stuff has been getting messier, bigger, less organized, dirtier, and an overall pain in my neck.  It was one of those things that I looked at and thought of every day and could not get myself to tackle, mainly because I thought it'd take me a couple days!  Goodness, who has a couple of day to work on projects?  Not this gal!

Today, as I'm coming up the driveway from bringing some trash away, my husband goes to the "stuff-filled" garage to open the roll-up door.  Hold on!  Wait just a stinkin' minute!! You are going to roll up that door and show everybody in the neighborhood (all two of them) our (mostly my) huge mess of a garage?  I didn't say that out loud but asked him what he was doing. He was going to straighten up the garage.  

That was not going to work for me. I didn't have the time right then.  I wasn't ready to go through it all. I wanted to do it on my own without anyone questioning what I kept and what I got rid of.  But he was determined.  Little by little we moved boxes and bags into the bed of our truck to be donated. Little by little we found more of our garage floor.  And it didn't take long at all. The garage is clean(er). The items have all been donated. And a HUGE burden has been lifted from my back.

Above all other things that my husband did for me today, that was the best thing: he removed a seemingly overwhelming burden from my back that had been riding there for months. You see, I have a big list of things I want to get done around here but sometimes it seems as though I can only get the basic needs taken care of: food, laundry, and a somewhat tidy house (Husband - no comment needed).  And as I walk around the house noting all that I can't get done, each thing weighs on me. Some days it feels pretty heavy, almost depressingly heavy.  Today my load is lighter.  Thank you, husband, for making my load lighter.

I know Someone who is faithful to do the same:

"Come to me all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

What load do you need to tackle? Or is there someone who needs a loaded lifted?

KC