look for it

I know it's hard to see.
But it's there.
The good.
It's there.
You know how I see it?
God keeps pointing it out to me.

I'll admit that over the past few months I have lived in survival mode more than I ever have in the past. There have been a variety of things happening around here that have just overwhelmed my soul.

{Currently, my heart is overwhelmed by the fires of Northern CA. There's been a lot of devastation in the US these last couple of months, (or maybe it's only been weeks). But these fires are in my backyard and members of my precious family have been evacuated.}

And yet, I am constantly seeing light and hope.
I am constantly seeing things to be grateful for.
I see it because it's there.

I know that I have always been that way, looking for the good in people, a hopeless optimistic (or maybe I should say "hopeful!") I can almost always put a positive spin on a negative situation. And my coping mechanism is humor....if you haven't been able to tell from most of my posts!

So maybe I see the good because I'm used to looking for it.

But I think I see the good because it's there. God points it out. He makes sure that there is hope to grasp on to in every evil and devastating situation. Yes, the devil is working over time these days, it seems, but that doesn't mean that God has stopped being involved in this world of ours. We might just have to look a little harder.

And if you can't see it, maybe that means that He is calling you to be the good.

KC

you are hope

Try as we might, we just can't do it.
We can't stop the evil that is so abundantly prevalent in our world.
We can't agree on politics and see eye to eye on how the world should be run.
We can't cure every disease.
We can't rid the world of mental illnesses.
We can't get rid of the violence, the greed, the selfishness, the desire for power.
We can't feed every hungry person or completely eradicate poverty or homelessness.
We can't force people to get out of their own way or to make good and moral decisions.
We can't make every person care about the environment or the animals that are going extinct.
We can't find a home for every child who doesn't have a family.
We can't create equal rights for all or convince everyone to set aside their biases.
We can't eliminate fires or hurricanes or tornadoes or earthquakes.
We can't.

Because this world is riddled with sin. Every person you meet on the street is sinful. We are surrounded by evil on a daily basis. There is absolutely no way we can get away from it. It started way back when we thought we needed to know everything, gained our free will and started making stupid decisions. This world is full of violence, ignorance, selfishness, and greed. That will never go away.

And what can I do? I'm one person in a world of many. I can't make a difference. I can't stop the hurt or the pain. I'd love it if I could solve every problem that this world faces, but even if I could, not everyone would agree with my solutions.

It feels pretty hopeless.
And I feel helpless.
And many of you probably do too.

But that's a lie.
It isn't hopeless and
You are not helpless.

See, God created you with amazing gifts and and a wonderful heart. You already have the capabilities to make a difference. I don't know what that means for you. But I know what that means for me, at least on some levels.

It means raising educated and compassionate kids who step in to help when needed and think outside the box to come up with ways that can contribute.

It means sharing my heart and the words that God puts upon it here in my blog and when I speak to others.

It means donating time or money or goods to the tragic events happening across the world.

It means bringing a bright spot to someone's life by sending them a card in the midst of their devastation.

It means random acts of kindness and compliments, encouragement and smiles. You just never know how you will affect someone's day or month or life with a simple act.

It means researching an issue dear to my heart to find out what I can do to help.

It means being a good friend when a good friend is needed.

It means respecting different viewpoints, even when I don't agree with them.
(Respect = not belittling).

It means volunteering my time to be a positive influence to the kids and teens in my community.

And although it might not seem like much to some people, it means praying. Because I'll be honest: I'm limited, but God's not. My prayers, your prayers: they are important.

Maybe for you it means making a meal for someone or writing a letter to your congressman about something that's important to you. Or traveling across the country to help victims of a natural disaster. Or maybe it's volunteering at an animal shelter or being a foster parent to a child (or kitten!)  Maybe it's going the extra mile for a co-worker or showing up when most people wouldn't.

Seriously, people, the possibilities are endless! Take a look at who you are and use your gifts to make a difference!

This world is ugly and is covered in scars.
We humans put them there.
But this world is also beautiful because of our hearts and our desire to make a difference and because of a God who can bring beauty up out of the ashes.

Don't give up hope amidst the darkness.
Just let your heart shine brighter.

KC

peace that passes

There's a fun song that I learned in church when I was a little kid. I don't remember the name of it, and it was a very simple song, but little did I know how those words, repeated over and over would come to minister to me on a very regular basis.

The first verse went like this:
"I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
Where?
Down in my heart.
Where?
Down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
Where?
Down in my heart to stay!"

Eventually, we got to the tongue twister verse...well a tongue twister for a little kid, anyway. The faster you sang it, the harder it was! You try:
"I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart."

When I finally accomplished that verse, I didn't really care what it meant. I was just proud that I could sing it all without messing up! But having sung it over and over again, the words were ingrained on my heart.(And thus is the valuable part of repetitive choruses.)

Let me take you through the non-peace-that-passes-understanding parts of my life real quick. I suffered from shyness, stomach aches, and anxiety from a very early age. This eventually turned into an anxiety disorder with full-on panic attacks that affected my life for about 10 years. And by "affected" I mean that it totally disrupted all I had going on. It pretty much ran my life.

After a while (again, 10 years), I had a good understanding of my anxiety disorder and my panic attacks had pretty much subsided. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and our family walked a pretty distressing road with him. He passed on to be with Jesus a little over 10 years ago and that was heartbreaking. I struggled on that road, but it was my first glimpse of that "peace-that-passes-understanding."

Jumping ahead 10 years....

And here we are today. My mom just (on Tuesday morning) underwent surgery to have a large malignant tumor removed from her large intestine. It was less than two weeks ago that we even knew it was there. Do you know how crazy it is to go from diagnosis to surgery in that amount of time? Do you know all the appointments and prep that has to happen? I mostly watched from the outside as my incredible mom went to every appointment and prepped for surgery, which is no easy task. And tonight she is sleeping (hopefully!) in the hospital, recovering from surgery and I'm going to go ahead and call her a survivor because as far as I'm concerned with what I've seen her go through over the past 8 months leading up to the diagnosis: she has survived much already!

But you know what I understand more clearly now? The Peace That Passes Understanding. From the beginning, from the moment the doctor told me that he was 90% certain that my  mom had cancer, God has wrapped me in a warm blanket of peace that I cannot explain. Me: a stress-case from a very early age. I used to worry about answering the phone! (Ridiculous, yes. But that was the reality of this shy girl's life.) But I have not freaked out once. And that is not like me at all.

And my mom, I know that she has had moments of fear, but there is an undeniable, underlying peace that is completely in control of our hearts right now. I have no logic for it.

But God doesn't just work in the world of logic. He works beyond that. And if you've ever experienced this peace, there is no way you can doubt Him. Praise God for being beyond our understanding!

(And I'll tell you something else: God knew what He was talking about when He told us all to pray for one another. But I'll save that awesomeness for another blog post.)

Much love from my family to you all,
KC

listen up, please!!

*All you overwhelmed moms: here you go. My kids are great. They surprise me everyday with some form of amazingness, but it is easy to get bogged down in just one area that just seems to jump on that one nerve. The following is about that nerve on a very overwhelmed mom.

My kids might need hearing aids. Or maybe listening aids. Do they make those?!

I haven't had their hearing tested for a while. Probably since kindergarten. It might be time.

Seriously, folks, if it's not one thing, it's another! We dealt with bickering not that long ago. And constant whining. And complaining about dinner. And math facts. And washing hands after going potty (praise Jesus that hasn't been an issue for years!). We've dealt with the same outfit for 4 days in a row (please put that in the laundry) and greasy hair (for reals: if you can't remember the last time you took a shower, it's time to take a shower). How to deal with the drama with your friends (that you, more than likely, caused). Never ending issues.

Sometimes (but rarely) you get to deal with just one issue at a time. Sometimes they overlap and you have two or three. Sometimes it seems like 45 different things come to a head in one day! That is the day I sneak up to my room and hide from life, pretending like I'm in college again and it's totally acceptable to watch TV four hours in a row. Okay, that doesn't happen very often because there are a few more people that rely on me nowadays, but every great once in a while I give myself the grace to turn off the brain for an extended amount of time and to just not think. That might not fall into the "adulting" category, but it definitely falls into the "surviving as an adult" category which is just as important, in my personal opinion.

Okay, but back to my current issue: my children's hearing.
I always think that they hear me because they often respond with an "Okay Mom!" when I ask them to do something. I usually insist on eye contact as well so I can ensure their focus (HA! That's a bunch of malarkey! They could be looking directly at me, nod their head yes, AND repeat back to me what I said and STILL not do what I asked them to do!)  I don't understand. Is there maybe 2 parts of listening - the " I heard you " part and then the "I committed it to short term memory" part because those are very different things.

A couple of days ago, I called to my daughter across the room: "Hey - did you leave this Sharpie out last night?" This is not a big deal, but it was an opportunity to teach a lesson that needed to be taught (and apparently needs to be taught for the next 6 years...) She looked at me and told me she had forgot to put it away. I explained that it wasn't a big deal but that I'd really like her to focus on putting things where they belong, especially in any room that wasn't hers. Hint, hint: the kitchen. She nodded in agreement and life went on.

Do you know what I found on the kitchen counter that afternoon? Can you guess?!! I'm betting you can. IT WAS ANOTHER SHARPIE MARKER!!! Now, perhaps I didn't make it clear enough that when I said I'd like the markers to be put away, I meant both the fine tip AND the wide tip. Yes, maybe I could have been clearer. BUT FOR REALS. Again, a Sharpie marker on the counter? What's the big deal? Let me tell you what the big deal is:

As I have gotten older, I have found an interesting coping mechanism for myself when I am overwhelmed. I like to have one room/space put in order. Typically it's the kitchen.
Currently, life is very overwhelming. God's got everything under control and has placed an amazing calmness and peace in my heart, but in my home, not so much. And I just need one space that is not chaotic. And it needs to be the kitchen. That Sharpie was just another thing added to the dishes that hadn't been cleaned from baking earlier (also not mine) and papers and pencils on the kitchen counter that just cannot make it back to the school room after we are finished with them (HOW HARD IS THAT?!) and the chaos was just adding up!

I didn't yell at her, but I did point it out to her once again and she again acknowledged that she had left it out and she understood the big picture: put stuff back where it belongs.

I am so very tired of telling my kids to get something done 4 times in a day only to see the dishes they promised to put in the dishwasher still sitting on the counter right above where the dishwasher is located. Or to see the sweatshirt sitting on the floor near the stairs so they will remember to pick it up on their way up to bed. But no. It'll sit there until I actually hand it to them on their way up the stairs. Or the empty popcorn bowl sitting in the living room, waiting to be brought over to the counter in the kitchen. Or the garbage, laundry, pets, brushing their hair, WHATEVER it is: they don't remember a bit of what I ask them to do unless I am asking them to dish up some ice cream from the freezer.

I certainly don't have this figured out, but I have employed a couple of tactics that seem to help, when I have the time. First of all, I add it to their daily to-do list. They have a daily list of things they need to get done for school before they can play outside or have any screen time. I just add stuff onto the bottom of their list and they have to show me that everything is done on that list before they are "FREE!!" That tends to help. And if I notice later on that they didn't get it done, they lose screen time.

The other thing I do is make a pile of all their crap-o-la that's left all over the house and then I make them sort and separate it all and put it away. Then instead of the mess being in 4 different rooms, it's in one pile and I can handle one pile a whole lot better than the 25 little piles they leave around the house. Daily. Every day. All day. So much of the crap-o-la. Seriously. Where does it all come from and where does it all go? It's like Cotton- Eyed Joe (Feel free to disregard that music quote if you don't recognize it. There rest of y'all: enjoy that in your head today along with me!)

I don't know how much more of this I can handle, friends. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who has children who need some prayer for a listening miracle and please feel free to lay your suggestions on me. Otherwise I might not ever come out of my room. It's the cleanest, most sane room in the house. And y'all know I need a little sanity in my life...

I'm not sure why my kids aren't perfect yet. Sheesh! I've been working on this for years already! 
And no, I do not want to look in that mirror you're holding...

KC

one day at a time

*I know I'm supposed to write something tonight, but I'm not sure what. I've been thumbing through Facebook and Instagram, putting tonight's writing off, not because I'm afraid to write, but because I don't know what tonight's topic is going to be. So I decided just to start and see what happens. I'll probably be more surprised than you all are if I actually get something written...

I'm pretty tired. It was a long week followed by a long weekend. It kinda feels like maybe I just had 2 weeks squished into one. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I'm kinda just pooped. Staying up to write tonight probably isn't my wisest choice.
Oh well.
I don't always make wise choices...

Last week my mom was pre-diagnosed with cancer. We're still awaiting the biopsy results, but surgery has to happen whether it is or isn't cancer. There's a tumor. It needs to come out.

There's a part of me that wonders why I don't just bust out crying every time the word "cancer" comes out of my mouth (or off my fingertips). But then there's a part of me that is just resting in a place of calm and peace that is not of myself.

I don't have this, people. I have absolutely no control over my mom's health. I cannot do anything to make her better and make sure everything goes well. I have no idea what the next week, month, or year holds.

But I'm not a mess.
I don't know why.
I should be.
I mean, I'm a mess when my kids leave their stuff all over the house and when I get stressed out over the busy-ness of my schedule. I'm a mess when I can't get my "to do" list completed and I'd venture to say I'm a hot mess on days when homeschooling doesn't go according to plan.
But I'm totally at peace right now.

I don't know how God does what He does, but I am so grateful. I couldn't make it a day without him holding me in the palm of His gigantic, peaceful, all-encompassing, warm hand.

Mom and I were talking today. We don't really know the future right now (although we do know Who holds the future), but we are taking it one day at a time. I hope to share her journey on the blog because if one person can be touched by my mom's life and this experience that we are embarking on, then it is worth it to share.

My mom is amazing and strong and has the best heart. Although she isn't always aware of it, she touches lives daily. And she doesn't always realize it, but her purpose here on earth is great. God is and will use her in phenomenal ways.

So here we go:

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

I can't add to that, people. God said it all right there.

KC

12 years

My oldest kiddo is now 12 years old. I have done this mom thing for 12 whole freaking years. I have 12 years worth of bags under my eyes and wrinkles on my face. I have slept in late maybe twice in the past 12 years (okay, that's sarcasm, but you parents know that's pretty close to accurate!) I have given up sanity slowly over the past 12 years. Well, maybe not so slowly. The sanity left quite rapidly within the first few days of bringing child #1 home from the hospital! I have earned 12 years of patience. I have overcome my fears for my children for the past 12 years and I have learned how to stand up for myself to those stinkers in the past 12 years. I have had to learn to let go, to hold on, to breathe and apologize over the past 12 years. I have learned just how fiercely I am capable of loving in the past 12 years.

Twelve years of parenting will grow you up in ways you never expected.

I have lived in exhaustion to the point that while my baby sat near me and played, I kept a hand on her and fell into a very light, semi-sleep, knowing that I'd wake if she moved out of reach. Exhaustion to the point of being half asleep as my toddler crawled all over me while I rested on the floor. Exhaustion to the point of sleeping directly on the family room floor, no pillows or blankets, just to provide security for my daughter who lay up on the couch with a severe stomach ache. Exhaustion to the extent that I laid next to my son on the floor while he tried to sleep through hand, foot, and mouth disease, waking up in pain every couple of hours. I now sleep lightly enough to hear nearly every sound that happens in our house at night, even with our bedroom door closed.

I have developed enough patience to deal with my daughter crying in frustration (and determination) for 50 minutes while I drove with her on an errand that she just didn't want to go do. My patience level allows me to comb through 2 feet of hair that has semi-dredlocks in it, while my child yells and gets upset with me, even though she asked me to comb it. My patience allowed me to listen to my son as he learned to read way back when and to not fall asleep during that 20 minutes OR just read it all for him! Ok, I might have fallen asleep once or twice (see the paragraph about "exhaustion). My patience has kept me from hurting my children after they have destroyed a room that I cleaned 30 minutes earlier. And my patience has turned into long-suffering many a time as my child threw multiple tantrums in her earlier years, sometimes lasting an hour or more.

I have discovered a love so deep and unconditional, that I get a glimpse of just how much our Father loves us. But only a glimpse. It is giving your child the last french fry love, staying up till 2:00 to decorate for their birthday love, crying as you leave them for their first day of preschool love, trying something new because they asked you to love, it is crying with them as they hurt love, sacrificial love, heart-breaking love, fierce love. There is nothing like the love a mother has for her children.

I have never worked so hard at anything in my entire life. I have never cried so much, hurt so much, yelled so much as I have during this whole parenting thing. My perspective, my world view, my heart, mind, and soul have been changed. For the better. My relationship with God has grown and my partnership with husband has been strengthened. I am more understanding and less critical. I am more helpful and less selfish. I look for the good and find it.

There are days when I am worn down and completely battered from being a mom. I have been kicked, shoved, spit on, yelled at, (some of  those figuratively and some of those literally!) I have wanted to give up, run away, and hide. And I have given up, run away, and have hidden.

But I have and always will come back.
Because parenting is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
I have been changed for the better.
Because God put two little beings into my life and charged me and my husband with raising them.
He put them into my life to grow me.
And I wouldn't change any of it.

Happy 12th Year Anniversary of Mommyhood to me!!
KC

heaping and overflowing

(I can't believe I'm sitting down at quarter to 1:00 in the morning to write this.
Dear motivation,
Please come a little sooner next time!
Sincerely, me.)

Do you ever feel like you are running your tail off, trying to get life in order? Not just your own, but everyone affected by your life, like your kids and your spouse, friends, co-workers, and so on and so on...

Today, I felt like a hamster on a wheel. Running and running (figuratively because I haven't been literally running for months!) and running and getting no where. I know I'm not the only one. I just know it! Please tell me I'm not the only one...

All the efforts I put into getting my kids trained to do something simple, such as pick up their socks and put them in the laundry room which is approximately 20 feet from where their dirty socks got deposited in the first place, is just wasted. And reminding my kids not to leave expensive electronics on the floor because, um, duh! And just now, my keyboard stopped working and I had to find a different way to type because I have no ounce of tech savvyness within me. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. It's exhausting!

I'm exhausted: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Time for a huge, heaping measure of grace.
There's no one in this family who can give me the grace that God can.
I just need to ask Him for it.

So God, when you find me curled up in the corner of my closet, that'd be a good time for that extra measure of grace. It'd be very much appreciated.

All my love,
KC