Nick

Over the past four or five days I've felt that I don't have any more tears to cry. Then without warning a sob will catch in my throat. The tears come and I let them run down my cheeks, hoping that maybe if I let them out, eventually I will run out of tears to cry, but also knowing that those sobs help heal. When I get a moment alone in my truck to run an errand, I let the groans come from my soul and even yell in frustration. Those sounds don't even sound like me.

Forgive me for being raw, but this is real life and sometimes real life sucks.

A week ago my cousin took his life. I know everybody's curiosity wants to know why, but there are so many questions, and truth be told, I'm not sure anyone will ever completely understand why. And we don't need to understand the "why" to know that it was a tragedy.

My cousin and his siblings and parents were my second family when I was growing up. As we grew up we saw less of each other, but when we were together, nothing had changed; the bond was still the same. 

I didn't know everything there was to know about Nick, I don't think anyone did, but what I knew and what I heard from other friends and family, he was a pretty amazing guy. Generous, friendly, helpful, funny, respectful, sweet, huge hugs, great big smile...he was just full of good. 

My heart is broken because no one will get to experience Nick anymore. His good is not here on this earth any longer. His smile will only be seen in pictures. His humor will only come in memories. And thoughts about him will be shrouded with sadness. 

It's very difficult to talk about hope. Because it's hard to think that there is any good in this situation. Nick is with God and it is a blessing to know that. But for those of us left without him here on earth: his parents, sisters, brother, incredibly close friends... hope seems just out of our grasp. 

So I cling to this promise, these words that repeated themselves over and over again the day I found out he was gone: "beauty for ashes." That phrase right there, from Isaiah 61:3, gives me hope that He can and will bring something beautiful out of something so full of sadness. 

Right now it is beyond me to even imagine what that beauty could be. But I don't think God is done using Nick's life. Nick is still going to be touching people, changing people, and blessing people. He was too wonderful of a guy for God to be finished with him. I can't wait to see how He does that.

And that is the hope I reach for and cling to.

KC