talk about them

Here's a little something I learned about losing a loved one: after that loss, you still want to talk about that person, share stories, look at photos, remember him. You want to believe that the person you loved so deeply will not be forgotten. You want to know that he made such an impact on other people's lives that they think of him often too. 

Friends, there is not a day that passes where I don't think of my dad. The void is there, it is always present in my life, everyday. I miss him. I miss who we were as father and daughter. I miss who he would have been as a grandpa to my kids. I miss his smile, his goofy mannerisms, his humor (goodness, I miss his humor!) I miss how genuine he was and how he tried to make people smile, how he cared for other people and would gladly give of his time to help someone out. I miss how he often smelled like BBQ smoke during the evening service of church and how he would swerve a little while driving because he was so busy looking at the landscape around him instead of straight ahead. I miss his quirks, how he used one foot for the gas and the other foot for the brake and how he always preferred that his truck be some shade of tan because then you could never tell when it was dirty.

And I know I'm going on and on, but I guess that's my point:

Don't be afraid to bring up the name of someone who has passed away to one of their loved ones. Don't be afraid to ask about memories or just to let the other person talk about the one they loved. Yeah, the loss they have experienced is probably huge and you might be entering a world of tears by bringing up their loved one, but I guarantee that it will mean so much to them to be able to share memories of that person. Somehow it makes them feel not so far away...

I know my latest posts are about grieving and such, but that's because I have known 5 people under the age of 31 who have passed away in the past 6 or 7 months. And although the loss of each person has affected me deeply, it's also the hurt that the families are experiencing that grieves me to my core.

Maybe there are a few who can't or won't talk about their loss, but it has been my experience that most people want to talk about their dearest family member who resides in heaven, but who also resides so deeply within their hearts. 

So don't be afraid to talk about the members of heaven.

KC

grace for the grieving

My first real understanding of grief was a little over 8 years ago when my Dad passed away. I had experienced death previous to that day but I did not have enough maturity to understand the grieving process. 

Perhaps the most important lesson I learned through that entire experience was this: every person grieves in their own way. And the second most important lesson: criticizing another person's grieving process is quite possibly one of the most thoughtless and unsympathetic things that a person can do. 

(Now, just to be clear, I am not addressing a situation where a person is doing self-harm or harming others in their grief, and I think that will become clear as I continue to express what is simply my opinion on the subject.)

After my dad passed away, my mom received various opinions (most well-meaning, of course) on how long she should grieve, on when she should or shouldn't bring up her sadness (those were the "not well-meaning opinions," as far as I'm concerned), what she should do with Dad's belongings and when she should take get rid of different items that belonged to him. You know, all that kind of "advice" and those types of "opinions."

I'm not jumping down anyone's throat here, but I will tell you that my mom was often hurt by thoughtlessness and ignorant comments. And when she hurts, not only do I hurt with her, but the overprotective momma bear in me comes out (and I'm not even the mom in this case!)

Now, let me explain this to you: you are more than welcome to have your opinion in a grieving situation. However, if your opinion is not asked for, consider keeping your mouth closed. Especially if you have not walked that proverbial mile in their shoes. And even if you think you have walked that mile, chances are that their road was different and that is why their grief is not the same as yours might have been. 

And when it comes to losing someone you love, please understand that those left behind on this earth are always going to need that extra measure of grace from you. Grace to respond with compassion. Grace to just listen as they remember. Grace to keep back words that might be considered hurtful. Grace to just be there, to be present.  

Because even though the pain of that loss changes and the load is not always so heavy, that pain is in fact there and it always will be.

KC

*Sorry for any part of this that might seem overly passionate. I realized today that I have learned of way too many deaths just in the last year alone. I thought that perhaps I could open a few hearts to approach those who are grieving with grace. Their walk is hard enough without any of us spouting out thoughtless words. Love to you all - ❤️

the little hearts

Today my daughter told me that she doesn't ever want me to die. And that she doesn't want her Dad to die either because that would be very rough. I told her that we didn't have any plans to do so. But it is evident that the events of this last week are starting to make sense to her. I told her that we would have a little more in depth conversation about the passing of my cousin a little later on this week.

Oh how I wish I could protect that heart a little longer from the the sadness and pain that this world so often brings us. I wish I could keep her eyes focused on the happy things in life, the things that bring joy, and keep her from being exposed to the things that will hurt her. But that is not real life. And if I don't teach her how to deal with the tragedies and heartbreak in this world, then she will never be prepared for life when she steps out by herself.

So I will gently explain the death of a loved one, the sadness it has brought so many, and how we can find the truest form of comfort from our Heavenly Father and from those whom He has sent to surround us. And when we are at our worst, He is always there right beside us, even in our deepest devastation. Because He loves us. 

Tonight my daughter also told me that she never wants to grow up. And you know what? I totally get that. There are some days when I don't feel like growing up either.

KC

Nick

Over the past four or five days I've felt that I don't have any more tears to cry. Then without warning a sob will catch in my throat. The tears come and I let them run down my cheeks, hoping that maybe if I let them out, eventually I will run out of tears to cry, but also knowing that those sobs help heal. When I get a moment alone in my truck to run an errand, I let the groans come from my soul and even yell in frustration. Those sounds don't even sound like me.

Forgive me for being raw, but this is real life and sometimes real life sucks.

A week ago my cousin took his life. I know everybody's curiosity wants to know why, but there are so many questions, and truth be told, I'm not sure anyone will ever completely understand why. And we don't need to understand the "why" to know that it was a tragedy.

My cousin and his siblings and parents were my second family when I was growing up. As we grew up we saw less of each other, but when we were together, nothing had changed; the bond was still the same. 

I didn't know everything there was to know about Nick, I don't think anyone did, but what I knew and what I heard from other friends and family, he was a pretty amazing guy. Generous, friendly, helpful, funny, respectful, sweet, huge hugs, great big smile...he was just full of good. 

My heart is broken because no one will get to experience Nick anymore. His good is not here on this earth any longer. His smile will only be seen in pictures. His humor will only come in memories. And thoughts about him will be shrouded with sadness. 

It's very difficult to talk about hope. Because it's hard to think that there is any good in this situation. Nick is with God and it is a blessing to know that. But for those of us left without him here on earth: his parents, sisters, brother, incredibly close friends... hope seems just out of our grasp. 

So I cling to this promise, these words that repeated themselves over and over again the day I found out he was gone: "beauty for ashes." That phrase right there, from Isaiah 61:3, gives me hope that He can and will bring something beautiful out of something so full of sadness. 

Right now it is beyond me to even imagine what that beauty could be. But I don't think God is done using Nick's life. Nick is still going to be touching people, changing people, and blessing people. He was too wonderful of a guy for God to be finished with him. I can't wait to see how He does that.

And that is the hope I reach for and cling to.

KC

God knows

I'd like to think I'm a pretty smart gal. I've had a bunch of education, I read a lot, I try to meet new and interesting people and take risks in life to experience new things and have adventures. I've been through a few rough patches in my life because once upon a time I decided to ask God for wisdom and He sees fit to give me that wisdom by having me walk through those stinkin' rough patches. So I think that on top of being smart, I've also got a bit of wisdom in my back pocket. Great combination, right?!

Here's the thing though, folks. In gaining knowledge and wisdom and experience in this life so far, I have realized a very valuable piece of information: the more you know, the more you understand how little you really know!

And God shows me regularly just how much I don't know.

Sometimes I think I've got a pretty good handle on this parenting thing and then I find out that my 6 year old son got reprimanded by a neighborhood mom (whom I don't know) for biting her son when he was playing in our front yard. Yes, my mild-mannered, sweet and sensitive son bit the neighbor kid! (I'm not going to get into the details about whether this kid deserved it or not...because it doesn't matter. My kid should not be biting neighbors!) 

Sometimes I look at my marriage and think we've got an impressive thing going on here. We are approaching 15 years of marriage here, people: I will take the applause!! But then we get into an argument over a simple miscommunication that ruins our entire evening! What in the world? How are we not past this yet?! 

And even my own personal fears, insecurities, emotional issues that I think I have overcome. Nope. I had a funk that lasted a few weeks last month - can't even tell you where it came from! And I nearly started hyperventilating a few times a couple weeks ago from a stressful situation. These are things I've worked through once in my life - how do I not have a handle on them?!

Goodness, people, there is a laundry list of things that I do not know or understand about this life. But there is one immoveable thing that I do know: God knows. 

God knows it all. He understands every bit of what is happening in my life. Even when I don't understand why a friend's marriage is falling apart or why another friend's heart is broken. Even when I don't understand the reason for the loss of our friend's child, whether to sickness or a car accident. And when disappointments are great and frustrations are constant...

God knows. 

I'm living in trust that He knows the reasons behind the "whys" and that is a comforting place to be. Someday maybe I will understand. But perhaps it will never be revealed to me. 

But God knows. 

When you're tired of trying to figure it all out, rest in that knowledge.

KC

if you plant it

and water it and fertilize it and pull the surrounding weeds and make sure it has a lot of sunlight and fresh air and keep the bugs off: the fruit will come.

That is the extra long mantra of a hardworking, determined momma: ME!

This whole parenting thing turned out to be a bigger deal than what I was warned about. From the very beginning it would have been nice to know just how little sleep I would be getting FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE! And to know that I would actually have to deal with gross things like vomit and snot and  children stepping in dog dookie on a regular basis, not just once in a lifetime. 

Ew. 

Ew, ew, ew!!

But the thing that was probably the biggest surprise: parenting doesn't always work the first time. I mean we had this thing all figured out! How we were going to discipline. Rules for around the house. "We are NEVER going to blah, blah, blah..." and we are ALWAYS going to blah, blah, blah..." I mean, how could we fail? We had talked about it. We had plans!

Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! 

I'll say it again: Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!! 

Okay, so here's the point of tonight's post: raising kids is hard work, especially if one of them has an iron will. But here's the hope I wish I could have offered my past self: Don't give up. Keep working at it. Get advice from pastors/parents you respect. Keep implementing the advice. Pray, pray, and then pray some more. If you give up, do it for only a minute and then jump right back in (I've been there, that's why I'm saying it - I give up by hiding in my closet behind locked doors for a little while till the sanity returns). 

One thing I decided early on in my strong-willed child's life was that I would never give up on figuring out how to parent her. And after many tears (mine!), many evenings of long-suffering, many repetitive conversations about how to deal with certain situations, we started to see fruit. 

We had certain conversations over and over and over again. 

"Is that how you treat your brother, by whacking him every time you walk by him?"

"Do you think that is an appropriate way to talk to you mother?"

"How do you think he feels when you call him that?"

"Is yelling about what you want the best approach to getting what you think you deserve?"

Over and over and over again. Why didn't it click?

Until finally this: I don't remember why (because the reasons behind actions are usually so ridiculously minor) but my daughter decided something was worth yelling about. She was epitome of a spoiled brat, yelling her head off at me while I was making dinner. I stopped what I was doing and looked at her with the "you know what you're doing is absolutely wrong" look. She huffed and puffed. I told her, "You know what you need to do right now." She stomped upstairs.

Ten minutes later, I found her in the den, watching TV. I sat next to her and said, "You know what you need to do to make this right, don't you?"  Huff..."yes." I went back downstairs. 

Five minutes later, a sorrowful girl came downstairs, hugged me and apologized for what she had done. She said she would try to be more respectful. I forgave her and we went on with life.

That was fruit, my friends. FRUIT!!! After months of spending 30-45 minutes to resolve issues like that, talking things through, probing her heart and teaching her how to handle herself: fruit!! She removed herself from the situation, distracted herself enough to calm down, and then knew what she had to do to resolve the situation she had caused! (Now, you might not agree with all our tactics or techniques and I'm okay with that because I am raising my kids and you are raising yours). 

So now that I've written a short novel, let me end with this: those of you who are struggling with this whole parenting thing, don't give up. There is hope for fruit, I promise. With prayer, determination, a little fertilizer, sonlight (I know that you see what I did there!) and some hard work, you will see fruit. 

KC

judging the speck

Over the past few years I've made a realization that has changed my outlook on life immensely. It has changed my view on friendships, on my faith and my relationship with Jesus. It's even changed how I see myself. It's kinda a big deal. And I already know that not everyone out there is going to agree with me on it. And that's okay because I'm speaking what God has placed on my heart, not everyone else's.

I realized that I don't want to live my life judging other people for the choices they make. Because it's not my job. (If it was my job, I'd be really horrible at it!) Now that doesn't mean that I don't have some very strong opinions about things in this life. And I've tried hard to base those opinions on my beliefs from the Word of God. I'm actually a very conservative person! And I am not afraid to speak my opinions when the time is appropriate (in other words: when God leads me to speak them).

However, (and this is the big "however"!) I struggle to believe that being judgmental towards a person is going to lead them to Jesus. 

"Let me tell you what I think of your life: ........and now do you want to come to church so you can be more like me?"  Ha! That thought makes me laugh!

And I seem to remember also that when I'm pointing out someone's speck, I always have this huge plank sticking out of my own eye (Matthew 7:3). I mean, seriously, people, have you ever created that mental cartoon picture in your head? A well-meaning fella (or gal) is trying to help a buddy get a speck out of his eye while he himself has a 2x4 sticking out of his own eye! That's great humor, God!!

I'm thinking that maybe God had a different approach in mind when He sent us out into all the world. "Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34.  

You know what the best part of this scripture is? "As I have loved you." Because I am telling you, you are not perfect. You have faults. You disobey. You sin. You can be selfish and thoughtless. You have put other things before God. I'd venture to say you have probably lied and have displayed a rebellious attitude toward God. And I know this because I have done it all! And yet: He loved me. Despite who I am and what I have done, He loved me. He still loves me now! 

And that is not all. He commands us to love others in the same way: despite their imperfections, their failings, their sinful natures, their different beliefs. 

Maybe I've got this all backwards, but here's what I plan on doing: I'm going to go ahead and keep my very conservative beliefs. But instead of shoving them down someone's throat, I'll share them when God prompts me to. And until that time comes, I will display the type of love that I think Jesus would when He walked this earth. 

Because to be quite honest, that is how I'd like to be treated, as Jesus would have treated me.

KC