Thursday, July 20, 2017

my secret

I'm going to share a little secret with you.
Well, if you know me well, you probably already know this about me.
It's kinda a big deal, to me anyway...

Truth is: I don't have this life thing figured out.
Parenting, marriage, friendships, God, even my own self! - how to do any of it well, I haven't a clue.
Every time I embrace some kind of accomplishment, I turn around to see 25 things that are staring me in the face saying, "Figure me out next!"

There are Legos all over my floor. I probably spent too much money at Target today. I forgot to purchase one of the items my hubs requested of me today. The guest and kids' bathroom has been cleaned at least 4x more often than the master bath. (There is TP dust EVERYWHERE!) I eat too much garbage. My kids eat too much garbage. (Taco Bell for lunch? And that was a bribe because I suck...) Not a one of us, except probably my husband, drinks enough water. The litter box has been waiting for a few days to be changed and the turtle needs clean water in his tank. I didn't floss my kid's teeth tonight because I was too tired. (Seriously, how much effort does it really take to floss his teeth?!) I walked into my daughter's room to say good-night and she immediately felt my sense of disappointment in her (mostly because her room looked like a red-headed tornado had whipped through there), but it turns out that my disappointment was mostly in myself because as I looked around at the variety of things that I had asked her to do already in that room, I realized that I just plain suck at momming. That is the precise moment when the heaviness of failure fell upon me.

I think it would benefit everyone in this family if I left, found a warm, cozy beach and hung out by myself for a while. Well, maybe it would benefit me the most, but I think everybody would appreciate my uptight, frustrated, stressed out absence for a bit!

I don't got this.

But here's my comfort in all of this. I might not have it together. I might be failing in 75% of my attempts at life, but for Pete's sake: I have my heart pointed in the right direction! I am trying! I am not giving up. I am constantly working to do things better as a wife, mom, friend, child of God, and self. And I think that's got to count for something!

Personally, I think God takes a look at the heart and effort and says, "It's okay, Kat. I've got you covered."

I don't have this.
But, as usual, God does.


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