Tuesday, November 28, 2017

being different

Tonight I had the opportunity to hang out with 6 other lovely ladies. Each of us had a different background, married different types of men, had different children of different ages in different schools, and yet it was a wonderful night of fellowship. We chatted about our different Christmas traditions, the education our children were getting, the mutual friendships we had in this itty-bitty town we live in, and our favorite cheeses (in my case: all cheeses are my favorite).

It was fantastic!

When I got home, I realized just how different each of us were from each of the other ladies. But it didn't make any difference in our friendship and how we related to each other. We came into the room with no judgment and mutual respect for one another. We built one another up and no one was torn down in our conversation. We were intentional about our conversation and the topics that were brought up. Some of us came in as strangers and left as friends after knowing each other for just a few hours.

So let me ask you this: Do you think possibly, just maybe we could teach this same sort of behavior to our children?! To learn how to treat each other with respect and love, despite our differences?

My kids are different. Somewhat because they are home schooled... it's hard to get away from the stigmas. (*eyeroll*) But they are also different because that's the way they were created: unique. My husband and I have taught our kids to take pride in who they are and to stand confident in their differences. Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't. They're kids so sometimes they give in to the pressure of those around them.

But in teaching them to be who they were created to be, we also strive to teach them to appreciate others around them who have unique qualities that make them them. (I know that the two "thems" looks weird, but if you read it out loud in my voice, maybe it won't sound quite as weird. But then again, if you're reading it in my voice, it's probably just weird!) And again, my kids aren't quite perfect yet (we're working on that) so they aren't always good at being inclusive, but if I keep pointing out other people's differences and how cool those differences are, maybe someday they will figure out how to appreciate each person for who they are, despite their differences (I know, I used "differences" 3 times in that sentence! There oughta be a law against that. But then again, that's what makes me me so maybe you can just appreciate that weirdness about me...) (And yes, I'm aware that I used "me" two times in a row. Thank you for putting up with me so far...)

Distractions aside (staying focused is very difficult after midnight), why don't we all just make a concentrated effort to chat with our kids about appreciating the qualities in others that make them different. After all, we can't all be engineers because who would teach our children? And we can't all be doctors because I really appreciate the contractor's eye in creating my kitchen And if everyone was an awesome piano teacher, who would grow us food?  And I'm pretty sure that if Jesus was still walking this earth as a man-God, he would probably hang out with anyone who wanted to hang out with him, no matter what they looked like, what their job was, how perfect their hair was, what disabilities they possessed, and what their family background was.

I kinda like that Jesus guy and think it might be beneficial to follow in his footsteps so that's what I'm gonna try to do. Anyone wanna walk with me?

KC

Thursday, October 19, 2017

in training...constantly

When our big twerps were just little kiddos, learning how to talk and walk and be naughty, we were parents in "training mode." We would encouraged our little ones to crawl and to make cooing noises. We would help them stand up over and over again. We would say, "No-no!" 50 times in a row as they would reach for the remote control or the cat's tail, or crawl towards the water dish. I remember when the realization hit that toddlers are not smart people when it comes to learning how to do something correctly the first time...

Oh man, little did I know! (SMH, which stands for Shaking My Head, but I think if you just make the sound "smh," it pretty much gives the same connotation!)

Now my kids are older and the training process is as frustrating as ever! When I first became a parent, I had NO CLUE that children had to be taught the same lesson 354 times before it stuck! Like manners, for example. I can finally beam with pride now when my kids say "please" and "thank you" without any prompting. And I do beam. Shucks, I put in YEARS of training to get them to remember to say that on their own!

We still haven't conquered how to hang wet clothing on the 12 hooks in the bathroom after getting out of the pool or spa. I guess it is a tough stretch to get the bathing suits and towels from the floor AAAAALLLLL the way up onto the hook. And while we have mastered getting the dishes into the dishwasher (4 out of 5 times - I call that "mastered" in my parenting book), we still haven't figured how to play Tetris with the dishes as we load them. I've already discovered my parenting fail when it comes to getting the toothpaste on the toothbrush. Apparently the mirror, sink, faucet, and wall become appropriate places for the paste when I no longer supervise the brushing of the teeth.

When bedtime hits, we still have to tell our kids: "Pets, pjs, and teeth, please!" as if for the last 7 or so odd years we haven't been saying that. As if we might just decide one night to skip one of those. The socks are in the middle of the floor. The cheese stick wrapper (the utter bane of my existence) also ends up in the middle of the floor. And the littlest Lego pieces...I can't even go there right now.

Now, lest you think that I let these things go buy without some kind of discipline (because, afterall, I am trying to teach my children to BE disciplined), there are a number of "training tactics" I employ on a regular basis. If I see and incomplete task, I track the culprit down and make them take care of it. I have been known to yell at my kid who is outside playing with the neighbors to come in the house to do something as simple as pick up the stinking cheese stick wrapper from the middle of the floor. I have also started charging my kids for leaving electronics on the floor. I pick them up and put them in a basket and charge them rent to get it back. We've made them do pushups and jumping jacks and have taken away privileges. We make them do chores for us in addition to their own if they fail to do what we asked of them. Nothing wrong with doubling up on their responsibilities to teach them...well...responsibility.

And yet. And yet, people. Here we are, 12 years into parenting, still training. Does it ever end?!

And then last night it hit me: it doesn't. It doesn't end. Ever. You know why? Because I reflected back on myself and all the things that God is working on in me. I see how many times I have tried and started and then made absolutely no progress. I am constantly being reminded by God of the things He is trying to teach me. Over and over and over again. (SMH again).

I think that God must experience that same frustration (if He deals with frustration...does God get frustrated??) when we as adults cannot get our stuff together. We try to get it right but then quickly go back to old habits... Poor God: As a parent, I understand a smidge of what He feels.

Yet, He still loves me. He's still patient with me. He gently reminds and directs me. And is patient with me. He doesn't yell or stomp his feet. He doesn't criticize. He shows me grace. He helps and is patient with me. Did I mention that He is patient? Because He has to be when He's dealing with me!!

I guess I know what that means: I need to practice my training techniques. I'm not necessarily a yeller...all of the time, but I definitely express my frustration, often. And the patience is definitely lacking. And grace, well, if I'm going to be an example of Jesus in my kids' lives, I suppose I should be showing grace a bit more. I guess you could say I'm a parent in training. Ha!! (Unfortunately, that doesn't make me feel very confident in myself...) (SMH)

KC

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

good enough

There's this battle that I fight every single day, every single morning, pretty much every single moment. It's like a mantra that reverberates through my mind: "I'm not good enough."
I don't know why. It's not like anyone is standing next to me, judging my every action and every word that comes out of my mouth. But that feeling is always with me: "I'm not good enough."


I'm a mom. I read articles about how to be a better mom. And it just makes me feel like a terrible mom because there are 1,000 things I could be doing to be a better mom.

I used to be in shape. I used to work out regularly. I want to be in shape and work out regularly. I could give you 45 excuses as to why I'm not in shape and don't work out regularly. But it wouldn't change the fact that I want to be, but am not in shape.

I have a minimum of 75 projects around the house that scream at me every time I see them. Each room has at least one. "Paint me!" "Put curtains on me!" "Purge all these clothes out of me!" Those are all fabulous reminders of how great I am not.

I won't touch much on the topic of being a wife because I'm awesome at it and our marriage is perfect. Just ask my husband.

Sometimes I watch Netflix and I don't know whether to tell myself, "Good job! You deserve a little break!" or "You are the laziest sack of potatoes. Do you remember how many things you put on your To Do list today?!"

I teach a grip of kiddos piano lessons on a weekly basis. I will never stop feeling like I could be doing more to get them to understand or to practice more or just to love it so much that they want to play EVERY SINGLE DAY!! And that's why I'm no longer a school teacher - it consumed me. I could always do more, do more, do more!

I adore the friends that God has put into my life. But I cannot remember birthdays in a timely manner to save my life. Literally, if my life depended on it, I could not remember enough birthdays to save it. Sometimes not even the correct month! (Maybe this is why I struggled in History so much: remembering dates is not my strength.)

I'm super organized! ...when I want to be and when I have time and/or make it a priority. Which is not as often as I would like.

Finances. There's a good reason why my patient and flexible husband handles the finances.

Are you getting the picture?
(I know someone out there must be on the same page I am. Because when I sat at my computer and thought about what to write, this topic was brought to the forefront of my "squirrel!!" brain, and it stayed there. Someone needs to hear this as much as I do!)

Now that I've dragged myself through the mud (which is not unusual, hence the topic for today's blog) let's get to the upside!

A while back I had a conversation with a friend who was struggling with an upcoming event the following day. This friend felt unworthy for the role that they had been asked to play. I very politely said: "DUH! If you had all your ducks in a row and were perfect, then God wouldn't ask you to play that role. He wants you to do it BECAUSE you're not perfect." That is how He is glorified and we can prove his awesomeness, his God-ness (I think that is a word, or should be a word).

God doesn't ask us to be perfect. He asks us to be willing. He wants to use us in our roles as spouses, parents, friends. teachers, and whatever else so that He can do amazing things through us.

AND when you relinquish your imperfections to God, do you know how much pressure that takes off of  you?! The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bathtub in the morning, putting on my socks and thought, " I don't have it within me today. You do it, God. Because I can't." (I wasn't asking Him to put on my socks, it was more like a whole day that I didn't feel like doing!) And I immediately breathed a sigh of relief and literally felt the peace go through my body.

I think maybe we need to come up with a new mantra, something that can be made into a poster or a cute little plaque to hang throughout our houses. Something we see everyday that will remind us that we are good enough.

And it should say: "God thinks I'm enough."

I don't know about you, but if God thinks I'm enough, that's a pretty big WOW right there!!

KC







Monday, October 16, 2017

because God said so

I got to meet with one of my favorite gal pals for coffee last evening. I just love when God puts real people in my life, friends who aren't afraid to share the truth of their lives, people with whom I can share my heart, my fears, my desires and weaknesses.

One of the topics that came up a few times was the "letting go" topic. I like to think that I can just let things go. You know, make a decision and be fine with it. Do something (or not do something) and not think twice about it.

But that's not really the case with me. I tend to be an overthinker.
I worry about my kids when they get sick and how serious things need to get before we need to consider Urgent Care (as my husband gives a dose of Ibuprofen and sends them off to bed).
I think about conversations I've had. Did I explain myself clearly? Did I say everything as I meant to? Could I have hurt someone's feelings? Did my foot ever enter my mouth?
I stress about what people think about me and my decisions. Seriously, I'm out here on this blog and I totally worry about what you all think of me! No lie!
I worry about decisions we have made for our kids.
I worry about the future for our family.
I worry about my mom and my brothers and their families.
I think about my friends and wonder what more I could be doing for them. And how horrible of a friend I am and how much better I could be. (People, I rarely get birthdays remembered...)
I even stress about what other drivers on the road think of me!

I know that one of the root causes for this is my people-pleasing personality. I'm not saying I'm really good at it, I just really don't like upsetting people and I really like to have good relationships.  And I just want there to be peace everywhere I look! Because anything else is stressful. And dramatic. And awkward and overwhelming.

But lately God seems to be sending me some kind of message. It's the kind of message that He's already told me numerous times but I decided I would ignore it and so He decided that He would just keep pointing it out to me until I got it through my thick skull. He'll win, I know it because, well, He's God. But: thick skull.

When God makes it very obvious that I am doing what He has called me to do, I need to do it and let it go. He gave me the direction to go. My job is to follow that direction and stop stressing about it. He didn't call me to that direction because I'm amazing and going to do everything perfectly. (Bwahahahahahahahaha!!) No, He just said do it.

Apparently I am a bit of a control freak because when He tells me not to worry, I'm really good at worrying. If He could just let me see the future and could give me all the reasons I shouldn't worry or stress, maybe that'd be helpful.

But nope. He's too big for that.
And I need to rest in that fact right there: He's bigger than me and He's got this all in His hands.

Let go.
Let God.
(Four little words of truth).

KC

Thursday, October 12, 2017

look for it

I know it's hard to see.
But it's there.
The good.
It's there.
You know how I see it?
God keeps pointing it out to me.

I'll admit that over the past few months I have lived in survival mode more than I ever have in the past. There have been a variety of things happening around here that have just overwhelmed my soul.

{Currently, my heart is overwhelmed by the fires of Northern CA. There's been a lot of devastation in the US these last couple of months, (or maybe it's only been weeks). But these fires are in my backyard and members of my precious family have been evacuated.}

And yet, I am constantly seeing light and hope.
I am constantly seeing things to be grateful for.
I see it because it's there.

I know that I have always been that way, looking for the good in people, a hopeless optimistic (or maybe I should say "hopeful!") I can almost always put a positive spin on a negative situation. And my coping mechanism is humor....if you haven't been able to tell from most of my posts!

So maybe I see the good because I'm used to looking for it.

But I think I see the good because it's there. God points it out. He makes sure that there is hope to grasp on to in every evil and devastating situation. Yes, the devil is working over time these days, it seems, but that doesn't mean that God has stopped being involved in this world of ours. We might just have to look a little harder.

And if you can't see it, maybe that means that He is calling you to be the good.

KC

Monday, October 2, 2017

you are hope

Try as we might, we just can't do it.
We can't stop the evil that is so abundantly prevalent in our world.
We can't agree on politics and see eye to eye on how the world should be run.
We can't cure every disease.
We can't rid the world of mental illnesses.
We can't get rid of the violence, the greed, the selfishness, the desire for power.
We can't feed every hungry person or completely eradicate poverty or homelessness.
We can't force people to get out of their own way or to make good and moral decisions.
We can't make every person care about the environment or the animals that are going extinct.
We can't find a home for every child who doesn't have a family.
We can't create equal rights for all or convince everyone to set aside their biases.
We can't eliminate fires or hurricanes or tornadoes or earthquakes.
We can't.

Because this world is riddled with sin. Every person you meet on the street is sinful. We are surrounded by evil on a daily basis. There is absolutely no way we can get away from it. It started way back when we thought we needed to know everything, gained our free will and started making stupid decisions. This world is full of violence, ignorance, selfishness, and greed. That will never go away.

And what can I do? I'm one person in a world of many. I can't make a difference. I can't stop the hurt or the pain. I'd love it if I could solve every problem that this world faces, but even if I could, not everyone would agree with my solutions.

It feels pretty hopeless.
And I feel helpless.
And many of you probably do too.

But that's a lie.
It isn't hopeless and
You are not helpless.

See, God created you with amazing gifts and and a wonderful heart. You already have the capabilities to make a difference. I don't know what that means for you. But I know what that means for me, at least on some levels.

It means raising educated and compassionate kids who step in to help when needed and think outside the box to come up with ways that can contribute.

It means sharing my heart and the words that God puts upon it here in my blog and when I speak to others.

It means donating time or money or goods to the tragic events happening across the world.

It means bringing a bright spot to someone's life by sending them a card in the midst of their devastation.

It means random acts of kindness and compliments, encouragement and smiles. You just never know how you will affect someone's day or month or life with a simple act.

It means researching an issue dear to my heart to find out what I can do to help.

It means being a good friend when a good friend is needed.

It means respecting different viewpoints, even when I don't agree with them.
(Respect = not belittling).

It means volunteering my time to be a positive influence to the kids and teens in my community.

And although it might not seem like much to some people, it means praying. Because I'll be honest: I'm limited, but God's not. My prayers, your prayers: they are important.

Maybe for you it means making a meal for someone or writing a letter to your congressman about something that's important to you. Or traveling across the country to help victims of a natural disaster. Or maybe it's volunteering at an animal shelter or being a foster parent to a child (or kitten!)  Maybe it's going the extra mile for a co-worker or showing up when most people wouldn't.

Seriously, people, the possibilities are endless! Take a look at who you are and use your gifts to make a difference!

This world is ugly and is covered in scars.
We humans put them there.
But this world is also beautiful because of our hearts and our desire to make a difference and because of a God who can bring beauty up out of the ashes.

Don't give up hope amidst the darkness.
Just let your heart shine brighter.

KC



Wednesday, September 27, 2017

peace that passes

There's a fun song that I learned in church when I was a little kid. I don't remember the name of it, and it was a very simple song, but little did I know how those words, repeated over and over would come to minister to me on a very regular basis.

The first verse went like this:
"I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
Where?
Down in my heart.
Where?
Down in my heart.
I've got the joy, joy, joy, joy down in my heart.
Where?
Down in my heart to stay!"

Eventually, we got to the tongue twister verse...well a tongue twister for a little kid, anyway. The faster you sang it, the harder it was! You try:
"I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart."

When I finally accomplished that verse, I didn't really care what it meant. I was just proud that I could sing it all without messing up! But having sung it over and over again, the words were ingrained on my heart.(And thus is the valuable part of repetitive choruses.)

Let me take you through the non-peace-that-passes-understanding parts of my life real quick. I suffered from shyness, stomach aches, and anxiety from a very early age. This eventually turned into an anxiety disorder with full-on panic attacks that affected my life for about 10 years. And by "affected" I mean that it totally disrupted all I had going on. It pretty much ran my life.

After a while (again, 10 years), I had a good understanding of my anxiety disorder and my panic attacks had pretty much subsided. My dad was diagnosed with cancer and our family walked a pretty distressing road with him. He passed on to be with Jesus a little over 10 years ago and that was heartbreaking. I struggled on that road, but it was my first glimpse of that "peace-that-passes-understanding."

Jumping ahead 10 years....

And here we are today. My mom just (on Tuesday morning) underwent surgery to have a large malignant tumor removed from her large intestine. It was less than two weeks ago that we even knew it was there. Do you know how crazy it is to go from diagnosis to surgery in that amount of time? Do you know all the appointments and prep that has to happen? I mostly watched from the outside as my incredible mom went to every appointment and prepped for surgery, which is no easy task. And tonight she is sleeping (hopefully!) in the hospital, recovering from surgery and I'm going to go ahead and call her a survivor because as far as I'm concerned with what I've seen her go through over the past 8 months leading up to the diagnosis: she has survived much already!

But you know what I understand more clearly now? The Peace That Passes Understanding. From the beginning, from the moment the doctor told me that he was 90% certain that my  mom had cancer, God has wrapped me in a warm blanket of peace that I cannot explain. Me: a stress-case from a very early age. I used to worry about answering the phone! (Ridiculous, yes. But that was the reality of this shy girl's life.) But I have not freaked out once. And that is not like me at all.

And my mom, I know that she has had moments of fear, but there is an undeniable, underlying peace that is completely in control of our hearts right now. I have no logic for it.

But God doesn't just work in the world of logic. He works beyond that. And if you've ever experienced this peace, there is no way you can doubt Him. Praise God for being beyond our understanding!

(And I'll tell you something else: God knew what He was talking about when He told us all to pray for one another. But I'll save that awesomeness for another blog post.)

Much love from my family to you all,
KC

Friday, September 22, 2017

listen up, please!!

*All you overwhelmed moms: here you go. My kids are great. They surprise me everyday with some form of amazingness, but it is easy to get bogged down in just one area that just seems to jump on that one nerve. The following is about that nerve on a very overwhelmed mom.

My kids might need hearing aids. Or maybe listening aids. Do they make those?!

I haven't had their hearing tested for a while. Probably since kindergarten. It might be time.

Seriously, folks, if it's not one thing, it's another! We dealt with bickering not that long ago. And constant whining. And complaining about dinner. And math facts. And washing hands after going potty (praise Jesus that hasn't been an issue for years!). We've dealt with the same outfit for 4 days in a row (please put that in the laundry) and greasy hair (for reals: if you can't remember the last time you took a shower, it's time to take a shower). How to deal with the drama with your friends (that you, more than likely, caused). Never ending issues.

Sometimes (but rarely) you get to deal with just one issue at a time. Sometimes they overlap and you have two or three. Sometimes it seems like 45 different things come to a head in one day! That is the day I sneak up to my room and hide from life, pretending like I'm in college again and it's totally acceptable to watch TV four hours in a row. Okay, that doesn't happen very often because there are a few more people that rely on me nowadays, but every great once in a while I give myself the grace to turn off the brain for an extended amount of time and to just not think. That might not fall into the "adulting" category, but it definitely falls into the "surviving as an adult" category which is just as important, in my personal opinion.

Okay, but back to my current issue: my children's hearing.
I always think that they hear me because they often respond with an "Okay Mom!" when I ask them to do something. I usually insist on eye contact as well so I can ensure their focus (HA! That's a bunch of malarkey! They could be looking directly at me, nod their head yes, AND repeat back to me what I said and STILL not do what I asked them to do!)  I don't understand. Is there maybe 2 parts of listening - the " I heard you " part and then the "I committed it to short term memory" part because those are very different things.

A couple of days ago, I called to my daughter across the room: "Hey - did you leave this Sharpie out last night?" This is not a big deal, but it was an opportunity to teach a lesson that needed to be taught (and apparently needs to be taught for the next 6 years...) She looked at me and told me she had forgot to put it away. I explained that it wasn't a big deal but that I'd really like her to focus on putting things where they belong, especially in any room that wasn't hers. Hint, hint: the kitchen. She nodded in agreement and life went on.

Do you know what I found on the kitchen counter that afternoon? Can you guess?!! I'm betting you can. IT WAS ANOTHER SHARPIE MARKER!!! Now, perhaps I didn't make it clear enough that when I said I'd like the markers to be put away, I meant both the fine tip AND the wide tip. Yes, maybe I could have been clearer. BUT FOR REALS. Again, a Sharpie marker on the counter? What's the big deal? Let me tell you what the big deal is:

As I have gotten older, I have found an interesting coping mechanism for myself when I am overwhelmed. I like to have one room/space put in order. Typically it's the kitchen.
Currently, life is very overwhelming. God's got everything under control and has placed an amazing calmness and peace in my heart, but in my home, not so much. And I just need one space that is not chaotic. And it needs to be the kitchen. That Sharpie was just another thing added to the dishes that hadn't been cleaned from baking earlier (also not mine) and papers and pencils on the kitchen counter that just cannot make it back to the school room after we are finished with them (HOW HARD IS THAT?!) and the chaos was just adding up!

I didn't yell at her, but I did point it out to her once again and she again acknowledged that she had left it out and she understood the big picture: put stuff back where it belongs.

I am so very tired of telling my kids to get something done 4 times in a day only to see the dishes they promised to put in the dishwasher still sitting on the counter right above where the dishwasher is located. Or to see the sweatshirt sitting on the floor near the stairs so they will remember to pick it up on their way up to bed. But no. It'll sit there until I actually hand it to them on their way up the stairs. Or the empty popcorn bowl sitting in the living room, waiting to be brought over to the counter in the kitchen. Or the garbage, laundry, pets, brushing their hair, WHATEVER it is: they don't remember a bit of what I ask them to do unless I am asking them to dish up some ice cream from the freezer.

I certainly don't have this figured out, but I have employed a couple of tactics that seem to help, when I have the time. First of all, I add it to their daily to-do list. They have a daily list of things they need to get done for school before they can play outside or have any screen time. I just add stuff onto the bottom of their list and they have to show me that everything is done on that list before they are "FREE!!" That tends to help. And if I notice later on that they didn't get it done, they lose screen time.

The other thing I do is make a pile of all their crap-o-la that's left all over the house and then I make them sort and separate it all and put it away. Then instead of the mess being in 4 different rooms, it's in one pile and I can handle one pile a whole lot better than the 25 little piles they leave around the house. Daily. Every day. All day. So much of the crap-o-la. Seriously. Where does it all come from and where does it all go? It's like Cotton- Eyed Joe (Feel free to disregard that music quote if you don't recognize it. There rest of y'all: enjoy that in your head today along with me!)

I don't know how much more of this I can handle, friends. Please tell me that I'm not the only one who has children who need some prayer for a listening miracle and please feel free to lay your suggestions on me. Otherwise I might not ever come out of my room. It's the cleanest, most sane room in the house. And y'all know I need a little sanity in my life...

I'm not sure why my kids aren't perfect yet. Sheesh! I've been working on this for years already! 
And no, I do not want to look in that mirror you're holding...

KC

Sunday, September 17, 2017

one day at a time

*I know I'm supposed to write something tonight, but I'm not sure what. I've been thumbing through Facebook and Instagram, putting tonight's writing off, not because I'm afraid to write, but because I don't know what tonight's topic is going to be. So I decided just to start and see what happens. I'll probably be more surprised than you all are if I actually get something written...

I'm pretty tired. It was a long week followed by a long weekend. It kinda feels like maybe I just had 2 weeks squished into one. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, I'm kinda just pooped. Staying up to write tonight probably isn't my wisest choice.
Oh well.
I don't always make wise choices...

Last week my mom was pre-diagnosed with cancer. We're still awaiting the biopsy results, but surgery has to happen whether it is or isn't cancer. There's a tumor. It needs to come out.

There's a part of me that wonders why I don't just bust out crying every time the word "cancer" comes out of my mouth (or off my fingertips). But then there's a part of me that is just resting in a place of calm and peace that is not of myself.

I don't have this, people. I have absolutely no control over my mom's health. I cannot do anything to make her better and make sure everything goes well. I have no idea what the next week, month, or year holds.

But I'm not a mess.
I don't know why.
I should be.
I mean, I'm a mess when my kids leave their stuff all over the house and when I get stressed out over the busy-ness of my schedule. I'm a mess when I can't get my "to do" list completed and I'd venture to say I'm a hot mess on days when homeschooling doesn't go according to plan.
But I'm totally at peace right now.

I don't know how God does what He does, but I am so grateful. I couldn't make it a day without him holding me in the palm of His gigantic, peaceful, all-encompassing, warm hand.

Mom and I were talking today. We don't really know the future right now (although we do know Who holds the future), but we are taking it one day at a time. I hope to share her journey on the blog because if one person can be touched by my mom's life and this experience that we are embarking on, then it is worth it to share.

My mom is amazing and strong and has the best heart. Although she isn't always aware of it, she touches lives daily. And she doesn't always realize it, but her purpose here on earth is great. God is and will use her in phenomenal ways.

So here we go:

"Don't be afraid, for I am with you. Don't be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."
Isaiah 41:10

I can't add to that, people. God said it all right there.

KC

Sunday, September 10, 2017

12 years

My oldest kiddo is now 12 years old. I have done this mom thing for 12 whole freaking years. I have 12 years worth of bags under my eyes and wrinkles on my face. I have slept in late maybe twice in the past 12 years (okay, that's sarcasm, but you parents know that's pretty close to accurate!) I have given up sanity slowly over the past 12 years. Well, maybe not so slowly. The sanity left quite rapidly within the first few days of bringing child #1 home from the hospital! I have earned 12 years of patience. I have overcome my fears for my children for the past 12 years and I have learned how to stand up for myself to those stinkers in the past 12 years. I have had to learn to let go, to hold on, to breathe and apologize over the past 12 years. I have learned just how fiercely I am capable of loving in the past 12 years.

Twelve years of parenting will grow you up in ways you never expected.

I have lived in exhaustion to the point that while my baby sat near me and played, I kept a hand on her and fell into a very light, semi-sleep, knowing that I'd wake if she moved out of reach. Exhaustion to the point of being half asleep as my toddler crawled all over me while I rested on the floor. Exhaustion to the point of sleeping directly on the family room floor, no pillows or blankets, just to provide security for my daughter who lay up on the couch with a severe stomach ache. Exhaustion to the extent that I laid next to my son on the floor while he tried to sleep through hand, foot, and mouth disease, waking up in pain every couple of hours. I now sleep lightly enough to hear nearly every sound that happens in our house at night, even with our bedroom door closed.

I have developed enough patience to deal with my daughter crying in frustration (and determination) for 50 minutes while I drove with her on an errand that she just didn't want to go do. My patience level allows me to comb through 2 feet of hair that has semi-dredlocks in it, while my child yells and gets upset with me, even though she asked me to comb it. My patience allowed me to listen to my son as he learned to read way back when and to not fall asleep during that 20 minutes OR just read it all for him! Ok, I might have fallen asleep once or twice (see the paragraph about "exhaustion). My patience has kept me from hurting my children after they have destroyed a room that I cleaned 30 minutes earlier. And my patience has turned into long-suffering many a time as my child threw multiple tantrums in her earlier years, sometimes lasting an hour or more.

I have discovered a love so deep and unconditional, that I get a glimpse of just how much our Father loves us. But only a glimpse. It is giving your child the last french fry love, staying up till 2:00 to decorate for their birthday love, crying as you leave them for their first day of preschool love, trying something new because they asked you to love, it is crying with them as they hurt love, sacrificial love, heart-breaking love, fierce love. There is nothing like the love a mother has for her children.

I have never worked so hard at anything in my entire life. I have never cried so much, hurt so much, yelled so much as I have during this whole parenting thing. My perspective, my world view, my heart, mind, and soul have been changed. For the better. My relationship with God has grown and my partnership with husband has been strengthened. I am more understanding and less critical. I am more helpful and less selfish. I look for the good and find it.

There are days when I am worn down and completely battered from being a mom. I have been kicked, shoved, spit on, yelled at, (some of  those figuratively and some of those literally!) I have wanted to give up, run away, and hide. And I have given up, run away, and have hidden.

But I have and always will come back.
Because parenting is the greatest thing that ever happened to me.
I have been changed for the better.
Because God put two little beings into my life and charged me and my husband with raising them.
He put them into my life to grow me.
And I wouldn't change any of it.

Happy 12th Year Anniversary of Mommyhood to me!!
KC

Friday, September 8, 2017

heaping and overflowing

(I can't believe I'm sitting down at quarter to 1:00 in the morning to write this.
Dear motivation,
Please come a little sooner next time!
Sincerely, me.)

Do you ever feel like you are running your tail off, trying to get life in order? Not just your own, but everyone affected by your life, like your kids and your spouse, friends, co-workers, and so on and so on...

Today, I felt like a hamster on a wheel. Running and running (figuratively because I haven't been literally running for months!) and running and getting no where. I know I'm not the only one. I just know it! Please tell me I'm not the only one...

All the efforts I put into getting my kids trained to do something simple, such as pick up their socks and put them in the laundry room which is approximately 20 feet from where their dirty socks got deposited in the first place, is just wasted. And reminding my kids not to leave expensive electronics on the floor because, um, duh! And just now, my keyboard stopped working and I had to find a different way to type because I have no ounce of tech savvyness within me. Sometimes I wonder why I even try. It's exhausting!

I'm exhausted: mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Time for a huge, heaping measure of grace.
There's no one in this family who can give me the grace that God can.
I just need to ask Him for it.

So God, when you find me curled up in the corner of my closet, that'd be a good time for that extra measure of grace. It'd be very much appreciated.

All my love,
KC


Thursday, September 7, 2017

not a know-it-all

A couple of weeks ago I listened to a webcast from our church. We had missed the first sermon of the new series and I wanted to catch up. The pastor talked about being curious as Christians and discussed a number of benefits of having this curious perspective as well as evidence of curious people in the Bible who learned more about God by being curious. (I know, I used the word "curious" 4 times in that sentence. Oh well.)

While I listened to his sermon, I had one of those Ah-ha moments. You know, one of those life perspective changing realizations. I probably knew it all along but had never had a resolution like I did during this sermon. Those kinds of moments really stick with me. And this particular realization gave me such relief, I'm pretty sure I heaved a big ol' sigh.

Here's the thing about being curious: it means that we don't understand everything. We don't get everything yet. As in: the Bible, life, other people, God, and knowing how all that mashes together cohesively without any wrinkles. It doesn't for me. I struggle with many issues concerning the world and God. Not with God so much (although He is definitely a super cool mystery on so many levels for me), but more so with this world and how it works and how God deals with it all. Seems like a lot of garbage to wade through!

But you know what?! I don't have to wade through it all!! I don't have to have all the answers. Which is a good thing because I definitely don't have them. If I did, well, that'd make me pretty much like God and I certainly don't want that job. I'm way beyond far from being qualified for that one!

Now, I don't think this gives me reason to be a blissfully, ignorant person (although sometimes that sounds wonderful!). But I can acknowledge that I don't have the answers which will hopefully prompt me to do some scriptural research, soul searching, and praying to find out which way God is directing me. He's pretty good about offering me peace when He gets me where He wants me to be on a subject.

Ok. I'm done on that subject.
It's after midnight and my brain said good-night about 2  hours ago.
I should have probably done the same...

KC

Thursday, August 24, 2017

but i can

I've been home schooling my kids for 3 years now, going into my 4th year. So far this year has been awesome! But we're only a week in so.... I've got a good system going for us this year and I finally feel like we've got our groove down, but again: it's been a week. But even then, coming out of the summer we just had, I'm super excited to be where we are...so far...after just a week and a day. (I'm gonna put that day in there because we've earned it.)

This summer can really only be described as crazy. It wad beyond busy and stressful, but much of it was good stuff! Just crazy, busy stuff that gave us very little time to breathe. I will tell you that on 2 different occasions, I didn't really come out of my room until after lunch because those were the 2 days when it all got to me. I tend to go into survival mode by holing up in my bed and binge watching a Netflix show for approximately 5 hours. It doesn't happen very often and I don't allow myself to succumb to it for very long. But this summer, I did. Twice. (I'm claiming grace on those two days.)

Also this summer, I had 2 Sunday afternoons to plan out my school year. That's it. Two afternoons to plan an entire year of school. For 2 children. In 2 different grades. To say that I felt a little under prepared coming into #craginacademy2017and2018 would be an understatement. Some might say that I mismanaged my time. There might be some truth to that. But I would venture to say that those who actually witnessed this summer and know me would say that the fact that I came out breathing at all is impressive.

Without all the details, here's just a few things that happened this summer:
Kitchen remodel
Guests
Wedding (niece and new nephew)
Wedding Guests
Post Wedding Guests
Niece and Nephew had the joy of moving in with us for approximately 1.5 months
Mom in hospital
Mom out of hospital
More guests, (different guests)
Doctors appointments for Mom
Birthday party for me!!
Trip to Canada to visit Canadian Family that I ADORE!!!
And the day following our return from Canada: First day of school.
BOOM!! Summer gone.

All summer long I fretted about starting up the new school year. I was so under prepared. I felt horrible as a mom, totally neglecting the education of my children. That was my entire job: the growth of my kids! And I was failing before I even started.

Last week Wednesday was the first day of school. That day I pretty much gave up before I even started. On Thursday I nearly went into panic attack mode (people, I haven't been there in over 11 years. That'll tell you something about the stress I was feeling!)  and Thursday ended up being the most phenomenal day of home schooling we've had to date. That means ever, in all the history of Cragin Academy. Best. Day. Ever. And on Friday, things fell apart again. But that was no surprise for me. It usually happens after one really good day. *sigh*

And this week was Crazy Week: the week I full-on home school AND teach all of my piano students AND hold on to my sanity by a thread. But this week I had so many proud moments. I watched my kids succeed and excel like I never have before. They took on responsibilities that I didn't ask them to. Their growth and maturity from last year to this one is huge. And I have claimed more ownership over their education than I ever have before. I'm telling you, the groove is on!

Now, I'd like to say that I'm just so awesome that I got this all put together in those 2 Sunday afternoons all by myself. But that's just ridiculous. I'm not that organized and I'm not great at schedules and routines. But it all got put together and after a week (and a day), I'm astounded.

I think what happened is that this summer took all control out of my hands. I stressed and stressed about the upcoming school year and just didn't have the time to put it all together. And God sat there in the sidelines, taking care of all of it for me. It's not like I had to let go of it (although I know that's a lesson I'm constantly going to be learning). It's more like I never had time to even grasp on to it and God said: "no worries! I've got you covered."

All summer long I said: "I can't, I can't, I can't."
 I do that a lot in my life: tell myself I can't.
But God's always right next to me saying: "But I can."
It's about time I listened.

KC

Tuesday, July 25, 2017

show up

Tonight's post will be short, partly because it's 12:30 and what in the world am I thinking?! And also partly because I'm exhausted: physically, emotionally, and mentally. It has been a LONG. DAY.

Details will come later, but at this point, let me just say thing: I had my day somewhat planned out. I had good intentions to make progress in all the things that occupy my brain on a regular basis. But God decided that I would have different plans with a bigger priority. So, I went with God because... well... He's God.

But you know that whole Biblical thing of Him not giving you more that you can handle? I'll tell you what: I couldn't handle today. Physically, mentally, or emotionally.  BUT!!! God knew that and sent me friends and texts of encouragement and people who talked me through today and family who showed up when I needed them to.

People showed up for me today.

So if I can share one piece of advice from today (and from various experiences in my life), I'm gonna tell you to show up.

Show up.
Do the tough thing.
Sacrifice for a friend.
Or do the easy thing.
Send a text.
Or an emoji.
Bring a meal.
Babysit a kiddo.
Do yard work.
Visit an older person.
Give someone a gift.
I don't know what friend needs to  you to show up today, but it the opportunity presents itself, SHOW UP!! Because if you were in their shoes, you'd want them to show up too.

And I know this because today I was in those shoes and in the midst of chaos, my friend showed up. And then continued to show up.
God knew exactly what I needed and provided.

I'm pooped.
But just in case I didn't get my point across:
Show up!!

KC

Monday, July 24, 2017

hope

THIS is the face of an unhappy woman! Ok, I know you can't see my face, but if you could, it would look like this: 😤. Yeah, that's pretty accurate. A few months ago, one of my dear children drop my iPad on the ground and the screen shattered. I write all my blog posts from my iPad. I haven't fixed it yet because: money. It's just not a financial priority at this time. Plus I have an awesome computer to work from! But currently that awesome computer is waiting on an update that it says it is 100% done doing...and has been 100% done doing for the last 15 minutes. I am typing this on my itty-bitty phone. I don't have a big, honkin' phone screen. Just an itty-bitty one. Each letter that I type is less than a millimeter tall. Technology and I are not friends. Never have been, and I have resigned myself to the fact that we probably never will be.

That being said, if there is an abundance of misspellings in this post, autocorrect obviously didn't read my mind correctly and I'm not going to be able to see them either. So, let's just go with it!

But first, some Goldfish Crackers (because obviously I never completely grew up).


I'm approaching my 30-something birthday next month. I've spent a lot of time with my 20-something niece and nephew and a bit of time with my not 30-something mom. And one thing that seems to pop in my head with all of us is that it's never too late.

 It's never to late to change something about yourself or to try something new. It's never too late to build relationships or go down a new career path. It's never too late to change your eating habits and to make a step in the right direction for your health (Augh! Blasted goldfish crackers!!) It's never too late to heed God's call on your life, to follow a passion He has burning in your heart.

It's never too late to live!

You think you're beyond hope for your future, whatever that might be?
Well, you're NOT!!
There is an amazing future out there, waiting to be had by you! You're never beyond hope, if you're walking with God's strength and purpose.

So get your butt out of bed and go do things!!
Because you're awesome.
I said so, that's why!

KC

Wouldn't you know it? My computer finally stopped thinking about being 100% done and is now ready for me to use it. Not beyond hope: I just had to wait for it. 🙄

Thursday, July 20, 2017

my secret

Ok.
So.
I'm going to share a little secret with you.
Well, if you know me well, you probably already know this about me.
It's kinda a big deal, to me anyway...

Truth is: I don't have this life thing figured out.
Parenting, marriage, friendships, God, even my own self! - how to do any of it well, I haven't a clue.
Every time I embrace some kind of accomplishment, I turn around to see 25 things that are staring me in the face saying, "Figure me out next!"

There are Legos all over my floor. I probably spent too much money at Target today. I forgot to purchase one of the items my hubs requested of me today. The guest and kids' bathroom has been cleaned at least 4x more often than the master bath. (There is TP dust EVERYWHERE!) I eat too much garbage. My kids eat too much garbage. (Taco Bell for lunch? And that was a bribe because I suck...) Not a one of us, except probably my husband, drinks enough water. The litter box has been waiting for a few days to be changed and the turtle needs clean water in his tank. I didn't floss my kid's teeth tonight because I was too tired. (Seriously, how much effort does it really take to floss his teeth?!) I walked into my daughter's room to say good-night and she immediately felt my sense of disappointment in her (mostly because her room looked like a red-headed tornado had whipped through there), but it turns out that my disappointment was mostly in myself because as I looked around at the variety of things that I had asked her to do already in that room, I realized that I just plain suck at momming. That is the precise moment when the heaviness of failure fell upon me.

I think it would benefit everyone in this family if I left, found a warm, cozy beach and hung out by myself for a while. Well, maybe it would benefit me the most, but I think everybody would appreciate my uptight, frustrated, stressed out absence for a bit!

I don't got this.

But here's my comfort in all of this. I might not have it together. I might be failing in 75% of my attempts at life, but for Pete's sake: I have my heart pointed in the right direction! I am trying! I am not giving up. I am constantly working to do things better as a wife, mom, friend, child of God, and self. And I think that's got to count for something!

Personally, I think God takes a look at the heart and effort and says, "It's okay, Kat. I've got you covered."

I don't have this.
But, as usual, God does.

KC


changing the world

I find that I tend to repeat certain themes on my blog. It's not so much that I think y'all need to hear it, but more so that I need constant reminding on things. You'd think that I'd figure something out and it would stick, right? But no, I'm like a child: in need of constant training over and over and over again.

Today's reminder: Encourage.

In each of my kids' rooms there lives a notebook. Neither one is very fancy and they were both inexpensive. But what's inside is invaluable.

Every so often, right before I go to bed, I write a message to each kiddo, something that will encourage them when they wake up and read it the next day. Sometimes I also apologize for something I did earlier in the day (because I can do some pretty stupid stuff and say some real idiotic things as a mom) or I remind them of a behavior they are trying to change. But it's always something to build them up and encourage them for the next day. When I'm done, I leave it open on their bedroom floor where they will trip over it in the morning. It ensures they will read it. (Sometimes there's too much other junk and stuff to trip over on their floor so I will leave it right outside their bedroom door!)

My kids ask for me to write in their notebooks frequently. And I totally understand why. If I woke up each morning to an encouraging message awaiting me, I'd probably have an easier time getting out of bed! And then I would feel just awesome about myself and then I would do amazing things throughout the day and make the world a better place, I'm sure of it!

But like I mentioned before, sometimes as a mom I do stupid stuff like: not write words of encouragement in their notebooks on a regular basis. Soooo, I'm going to go do that now.


Do you have 30 seconds to send/write/say something encouraging to someone? You never know: your words could help someone change the world!

KC

Tuesday, July 18, 2017

summer plans

Ummm, did anyone else see the beginning or middle of summer? Because I'm pretty sure I missed it. IT IS ALREADY JULY 18!! I can sit here and be flabbergasted at how quickly the time has flown, but I'm really, truly, not at all flabbergasted. *sigh* It was so crazy busy at the Cragin Homestead that I think we're all just starting to emerge from our own version of "survival mode." I, personally, am crawling out, hiding my eyes from the blinding light that pours through my kitchen windows because I haven't yet bought curtains for them...

Let me sum up June and the first half of July for you:


Kitchen Remodel
House guests
Wedding (semi-coordinator of said wedding)
House guests
Finish of Kitchen Remodel
July 4th Celebration
Anniversary
Linc's Birthday
House guests
 And BOOM!: we start school in 1 month.

I had some awesome plans set out for myself so that I could accomplish amazing things this summer. I was going to take time to write every day. I was going to make sure my kids got some awesome fun (educational) stuff done every week! I have a small mountain of upcycling projects that I just can't wait to delve into. They beckon me every day! I had plans written out in my bullet journal (which is a new current obsession, thanks to an introduction from my niece!) and I was going to accomplish ALL the things! EVERY SINGLE THING!

And here I sit, just now blogging for the first time in 2 months. And I cleaned up a piece of furniture today, the first piece I've touched. And I had my son read to me today. AND DID I MENTION THAT IT IS ALREADY JULY 18?!

Today's take away in all this malarkey? (Did you know that it was spelled "malarkey" and not "malarky?" I didn't.)
Here's the truth: We make our plans, but God directs them.

When I look back at this past month and see how He worked in our lives as well as the lives of the people we interacted with through our kitchen remodel and the numerous house guests we had, He knew, better than we did, what He was doing.

When I look back at the experiences and growth that has happened to our family over the last month, I wouldn't change God's plans back to my own for a million bucks. I mean, I'd consider it because a million bucks is a WHOLE lot more than I make teaching piano lessons each year and it would remodel the ENTIRE house, not just the kitchen....but I'd really only consider it for a minute...or five.

God makes it pretty clear in His #truthbomb from Isaiah 55: 9 ~  "For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts."

That's right: God just put us ALL in our place!

So go ahead make your plans, but just know that His are bigger and better and higher!

KC


















Monday, May 15, 2017

oh monday...

People.
I am lying on my family room floor, eating Cheetos at 10:49 at night while I write this. THAT is the kind of Monday it has been: Cheetos at 10:49 on Monday night bad. The entire world was out to get me today, I'm 100% certain of that. And the thing that sucked most of all was that I woke up with a "determined to get it all done" attitude, ready to take on all the challenges and accomplish things left and right! And little by little, Monday tried to beat it out of me. Praise Jesus for amazing friends who text you encouragement before noon because the day has already made its way down the toilet by then!

Perhaps you noticed one key little word in the above paragraph (or maybe not. If you're like me you're reading this as you're waking up and things are still a big foggy.) The word is "tried." Yeah, that's right: tried! Monday did NOT take me down. It didn't finish me. I didn't give up but kept on keeping on (or whatever that phrase is...) You see, me and Mondays, we've been battling all school year long. I honestly have no idea why it is the way, but everything is an uphill battle on Monday; just a real struggle of a day! And today is our last Monday of the school year so I just think Monday decided to give me one last hurrah. 

But you know what, Monday?! I'm getting used to your crap and I'm a fighter! NO SURRENDERING TODAY!!

Now granted, I didn't handle all of today's garbage with patience and grace. Just ask my kids!! Any complaining was handle with absolute frustration and irritation 😳 and I'm pretty sure I just gave up on teaching my daughter Math today. And when I discovered that there was no ground coffee left for me to make a "Saving Grace Cup of Joe," I ran our booties to Sbux and got an expensive fattening, sugar-filled Salted (not really because the salt is seasonal *sigh*) Caramel Mocha Frappe. And when finding something for lunch became a hassle for everyone, I completely gave up and headed to McD's for all the unhealthy lunch choices. 

However!!!! We accomplished a TON of stuff that I could've just said "FORGET YOU, STUFF! I AM NOT IN THE MOOD!" That's right! We did school work. We purged half of the school room. We cleaned and did laundry and dishes and ran 25 errands...well it felt like 25, ok?! We had a healthy dinner and created and crafted together. And when the stupid stuff happened, like the low fuel light on my truck that came on in the middle of errands (ok, God, I'd be super grateful if you'd make the gas gauge in my truck just like the little old lady's bottle of oil: not overflowing, but just enough that I'd never run out...) I just added another errand to my "to do" list and "to did" it. 

I kicked Monday's butt and I deserve every single one of these Cheetos. I'm even gonna give myself props because these are the healthier Cheetos: no artificial preservatives, flavors, or colors! (Okay, that really only makes me feel a smidge better about my late night chip snacking.)

Friends: don't let your Monday (whatever that might be in your life) drag you down. Fight through it! Show 'em who's boss! And it's okay to keep it all balanced with some grace for yourself, ya know: like eating Cheetos at 10:49 at night. 😉

Tomorrow is a new day. ❤️
KC

Wednesday, May 3, 2017

by the grace of God

A while back I had a wonderful gal leave me a voicemail about my blog. She blessed me with her words of encouragement and praised me for the job I was doing as a woman of God. She told me that as she read my blogs, she believed that I was more than surviving, I was thriving by the grace of God.

She's right, in one sense. I would be drowning in this whole wife/mom/woman thing if it weren't for God. But here I am, walking upright, striving to be who God wants me to be. I get laundry done and feed the people in this house who always seem to need to eat. I maintain a clean-ish house 😜 and my kids are decent at their math facts and reading skills. I've got amazing friends. And we live in the most wonderful neighborhood. And my truck still runs and most of my clothes don't have holes in them. So I get from one perspective, I'm thriving!

But that's not how it feels. Maybe it's just me, but usually I feel like I'm floundering. I could be doing everything a whole lot better than I do. I could be disappointing a lot less people. I could be a better wife and mom who knows how to get every stain out of all articles of clothing and who can cook healthy things and make them taste amazing so my while family will love every meal. I could be better at responding to emails and texts and messages. I could take more time to send out birthday cards and to make more phone calls to friends. I could be making better choices on how to spend our money or on how to educate our kids. I could...I should...😕

Mental picture time:

I am not sitting in a beautiful sail boat with a giant smile on my face and the wind blowing through my hair as the sun shines down on my skin.

Nope. I'm in a life preserver, bobbing along with the waves, exhausted and wet with sunburned cheeks and dried out lips. 

I'm surviving. 

But let me tell you what surviving means to me. 
A survivor is someone who has made it through difficult times and has come out stronger on the other side. A survivor is someone who lives in gratitude because of what they have been through. A survivor doesn't give up. A survivor can face the next trial with determination and confidence because they can look back and see what they already lived through. 

Yes, because of God, I am alive and thriving.
But because of God, I am also a survivor.

I know I'm in good company when I say I'm surviving by the grace of God.

Can I get a Hallelujah?!

KC

Monday, April 24, 2017

sucky parenting

Ok, people, I seriously suck. 
I am the worst mom ever.
Once again I had to apologize to my daughter for saying something hurtful to her.
I didn't yell at her (yay, me!)
I just wasn't very thoughtful in my comment to her and watched her expression sink as we walked up to church. YES!! AS WE WALKED UP TO CHURCH!! For reals: I hurt my kid's feelings on the way to church. Not even at home before church or in the car on the way to church. No. Literally 10 yards from the front door of church, I stomped on my kid's feelings. I told you: worst mom ever!

I stood through worship just contemplating how to resolve this. I had a long time to contemplate because our worship lasts a while and we stand the whole time. I need to stop wearing high heels to church...

As soon as we sat down and our pastor came to the front of the stage, I grabbed a pencil and wrote an apology to my daughter. Who, in turn, grabbed the pencil from me and wrote an apology back to me!! 
WHAT?!?! 

Ok. In reality, it's not that amazing that my kiddo apologized to me. Let me explain why this seemingly rare phenomenon happens pretty regularly in our house.

Turns out that I suck at parenting, which I have already illustrated at the beginning of this post. I am constantly saying and doing stuff that is well below the standard of parenting that I set for myself before I had kids. Which was ridiculous when I set it, but still: I'm not perfect. I do dumb things. I make mistakes. I swallow my pride. And then I apologize.

I apologize. A lot. I am setting a good and frequent example of what apologizing should look like. Because I have to do it often. 

You know what they say about teaching your children: they learn from your actions much more than from you telling them what to do. "Actions speak louder than words." Model the behavior that you want your children to follow. Well I am modeling the whole apologizing thing like a CHAMP!! 

So the bonus of being an imperfect and sucky parent is that my children are getting a front row seat in how to apologize. 

I guess I'll take it. 

KC

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

no more rain, please

My Momma reminded me last night: When it rains, it pours!

Well I, for one, am freaking tired of the rain, both literal and figurative!! 

Usually, when it's pouring rain here at our house, it's because the devil is trying to "rain on our parade." (See what I did there?!) It's as though he sees the good that is trying to be accomplished and he is setting up blockades left and right. Let me tell you, it's exHAUSTing!

For the past couple of months, I've been trying to figure out what God is trying to tell me. Now I'm not so convinced that it's God but rather the devil trying to get in the way of some major stuff that God's got coming down the way.

There have been days over the past couple of months when I have wanted to just give up on some passions that God has put on my heart. It'd be easier that way. But I keep plugging away, even in small pieces, knowing that there's a purpose for it all.

And now that I realize that the devil is standing in the way, I'm just going to work harder.
Did you hear that, Satan? I'M JUST GONNA WORK HARDER!! SO THERE!!

I looked at my weather app for this week and I see no rain in the forecast. As a matter of fact, tomorrow it should be sunny all. day. long. And, I don't know about you, but I am in desperate need of some sunshine! ☀️

But, just in case it rains, I've got an adorable pair of polka dotted rain boots and a pink umbrella from my friend and a great, big God to back me up so I am prepared. 
Did you hear that too, Satan?! I AM PREPARED!!

Going to bed now. 
Tomorrow's gonna be a bright, sunshiny day. 💛

KC

Sunday, April 16, 2017

groovin' old guy

We went to church this morning and we sat near the back. Our kids like to sit with us in church instead of going to the children's program which means we sit near the back just in case they get too wiggly or drop a container full of Legos during the service and distract everyone around us. #truestory #completelyembarassedmom #Legosdonotcometochurchanymore 

This morning we sat behind an elderly couple, probably in their late 80's. (We stand for much of the first part of the service because we start out by worshiping together. The music we sing is "loud worship" or at least that's what I call it. There's probably a minimum of 8 people on stage at one time leading or ship. They provide ear plugs as you walk in! So yes, loud.) As we were singing, I kept getting distracted by the elderly gentleman because he was groovin'! He was beebopping back and forth and completely enjoying his time of worship. At one point my husband caught my eye and with a big grin he nodded to the gentleman who was just so stinkin adorable in his worship!!

And it got me thinking: church should be a joy! (I know; seems like common sense but let me tell you, people, this has been a STRUG-GLE for me.)

I don't know about you, but when I think of God designing a worship service at His church, I think the entire event would be a joyous one!! Hearts would be overflowing with gratitude and people would be happy to be there, right?

One of the things I find so impressive about our church is how our pastor can reach so many people at different levels of faith simply by speaking truth. He is not judgmental, but he also doesn't shy away from Biblical truths. He talks about hard issues but it's  not saturated with condemnation. It is a joy to be in church, listening to our pastor challenge us and hearing truth that we need to hear! I don't walk out of there feeling like a horrible person, but I am more aware each time I leave church of things I need to work on or change. 

It's easy to criticize a church that is "entertaining" or whose worship set has lights and a smoke machine. I used to call our church a "seeker friendly" church whose goal was to reach those who don't go to church regularly. They played up to those outside the church, trying to attract them. I didn't think that was necessarily a bad thing, but it just wasn't necessary for us "Hardcore Christians!" 😜

But the longer I'm there, the more I realize that it is just as much for me as it is for someone who has never been to church. My family, all 4 of us, walk into church with expectant hearts, happy to be there, ready to participate, to listen and learn, to enjoy our time with God! It has taken a long time for us to get there.

Anybody else wanna come with me to church? We'll save you seats!
We'll be the family sitting behind the grooving old guy!

KC

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

worriment and fruit

Today, while making dinner, I had the most fantastic realization! So fantastic that the emotions welled up inside of me and I nearly started to cry! But I had also been cutting onions so... 😢

But it wasn't the onions. It was my daughter. She was in the next room over (which in my house is really just  sorta a continuation of the room I was in - it's all very open) and she was doing Yoga, following a YouTube instructional video. I don't know what brought this on. I'd like to say that it was because of my amazing Yoga-ing example, but it's not. I don't do Yoga. But I looked at her and was a little overwhelmed with pride mixed with hope! 

Let me explain where this all stems from. As a homeschooling mom (and I'm sure moms who don't homeschool their kids struggle with this too. I'm just going to relate it from my homeschool perspective because that's where I live!) I am constantly wondering if I'm doing a good job with my kids. I live in a constant state of shortcomings. Just ask my Education Specialist. Every time she meets with me, she has to spend half of her time encouraging and boosting my downtrodden heart and soul! Poor Amy!!

So not only am I worried about their academics, but their social growth as well (because that is the BIGGEST stigma I still fight and I work hard to make sure my kids do not fall into that stigma. Socialization: I stick my tongue out to all of you who think homeschoolers are not socialized. Spend 5 minutes with my kids and you'll find they are socialized just fine! They will interact with almost anyone at any age!!) I also worry about how responsible they are becoming and if I have them in enough activities or too many activities or in the right activities. And if I'm teaching them how to deal with life and their future in the right way and if they are building a relationship with God and, and, and...

I pretty much just live in a state of constant worriment (if it's not a word, it should be!)😳

So today, as I watched my child choose to learn Yoga all on her own, and helped her learn how to use a sewing machine to create her vey first quilt (which, if any of you have attempted it, you know this takes incredible patience and attention to detail, both of which do not come naturally to my girl), and yesterday she cleaned up her atrociously gross bathroom counter and sinks WITHOUT BEING ASKED, I was overwhelmed. Because on top of that (and this might seem insignificant to you, but I think it's pretty awesome), my 8-year old made the perfect sunny-side up egg this morning and ate it, runny yolk and all! And he is already an incredible scrambled egg and omelet maker. And he eats green vegetables, including lima beans, avocados (which my kids will argue is a fruit), cucumbers, and his favorite: broccoli (You know how at Denny's you can get the Kids Grand Slam Breakfast and order any two sides? He gets broccoli...for breakfast...and eats it first! 😂) And he does his own laundry, from start to finish. Both kids do. 

People, I'm scratching the surface, but my point is this: my kids ARE turning into responsible people!! I AM preparing them for real life!! (My son may only eat eggs, but they're healthy so that's fine.) I am so proud of them. The constant hard work is paying off and there is hope that someday my children will be able to live on their own, be responsible, and be godly, contributing members of society! 

Praise Jesus! Hallelujah! 

That overwhelming feeling of pride and hope also gave me relief. I am not failing. I cannot tell you how much I need to hear that and see it. I am not failing. 

Final thoughts on this seemingly silly post on Yoga/quilting/cleaning/eggs/laundry post: 
Don't lose hope.
Don't give up.
The fruit is coming.
Keep striving, Mom and Dad.
The fruit is coming!

KC



Tuesday, March 7, 2017

oh, Mexico...*sigh*

*Pre-blog note: I wrote this one about 3 weeks ago, on an airplane, coming home from Mexico, feeling great! Find the follow up on the bottom, which will explain while this beauty took a while to get posted...


Women!
This past week I once again experienced the incredibleness (not sure if that's a word but I'm sure I don't care) of women coming together to support each other. I am certain this world would only get better if we continue to build each other up and support and encourage each other, no matter how crazy life gets! 

(PS - this is not an anti-man post. This is just a pro-amazing-women-friends post.)

My husband and I had the opportunity to go on a fabulous vacation last week to Mexico. Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Also known as "HEAVEN." Okay, not really but if you've been there, you can understand why I might feel that way. The weather was gorgeous and we were spoiled being right on the ocean, walking through nearly white sand, swimming in warm pools and eating delicioso foods. I should have gained 10 lbs!



But I didn't gain 10 lbs. Because it wasn't heaven. It was NEARLY heaven, but not during the 24 hours that I got sick and COULDN'T LEAVE MY ROOM! Talk about a raw deal, people! I lost weight...so it was kinda like heaven...kinda. You don't need any more details than that, just sayin. 

We were on vacation with 5 other couples, over half of them that I hadn't met before we met up in PV. I got along famously with these fantastic folks - lifelong friends for sure now. But let me tell you, when I got sick, after only knowing them for 1 day, those gals in the group stepped up and offered everything they could to help me. I had all the meds I needed to get me through that 24 hours and into the next few days so that I could recuperate and hang out with the crew for the remainder of our time together. 


And it wasn't just those phenomenal gals who cared for me, it was my gals from home and in my heart who were checking in on me and sympathizing from afar and encouraging me. And then my Momma, praying for me like only a mom does. ❤️ She was sending her words of wisdom from the time I told her that I was sick till I got ready to head home.

(And I have to plug my husband, even though he doesn't fall into the "woman" topic of this post - he took care of me and got me everything I needed the entire time I was sick. Go hubs!)


But women!! You are incredible people! Your hearts are beyond amazing, full of compassion. I would be lost and so lonely without the women who fill my soul and come to my rescue.
Do not underestimate yourselves, my friends!
Do not let anyone undervalue who you are, who you have been created to be!
God made women to play a crucial role, nay, many crucial roles in this world!
You are amazing.
You are necessary.
You are important.

KC



*On returning home from this "nearly heavenly" trip, I managed to get sick for another 2 weeks off and on and let me just tell you: I do not have time for that monkey business and malarkey!! But I'll tell you this too: my gal pals came to my rescue and checked in on me and boosted my spirits all that while as well. I couldn't have survived the miserableness without the Gatorade deliveries and the positive spin on being sick: weight loss, a break from work, catching up on Netflix episodes, homeschooling from my bed in my pjs... I'm so grateful for those friends who can help me find a silver lining when I need it the most! Love you all!


Sunday, March 5, 2017

bickering bickerers

Let me just put this out there to start with: no matter what I say in this blog, I love my children with my whole heart and love being their mom. I promise.

That being said, I don't always like my children nor do I always like being their mom! And I KNOW I'm not alone in feeling that way...

The current situation that has lead to the challenge of my sanity (this loss of sanity happens weekly, at the least!) is that my children are being the bickeringest bickerers that ever lived!  They cannot shut their mouths to each other. They are in a constant state of one or the other with their mouths open and the most unkind and/or irritating things are flying out of them! 

Oh. My. Stars. And Moons! Shut up!! Just shut up already!! I am ready to lock them each in their own rooms for a month with the hopes that maybe, just maybe they will start to miss each other enough to STOP BICKERING AT EACH OTHER FOR ONE ITTY-BITTY SECOND!!

(I'm slightly over this whole thing, can you tell?!)

So I spent some time on Pinterest, which is truly a place of sanity for me. It's like the world got together and solved all my problems for me with pretty pictures and ideas and things that make me smile. I searched for ideas on how to teach my kids to get along better and there were so many creative and awesome ideas! My favorite has always been the get along shirt: 
I mean seriously, how great is this? Put your stinkers together in this shirt until they figure out how to get along!

But I decided to go a different route. I came across a list of things for siblings to demonstrate love to each other. In my ideal world, this is what I want my kids to do! If they can't figure out how to love each other, are they prepared to go out into the world and love anyone else? (I talked with my boy about God's two greatest commands this past week and you should have seen his shock when I told him that yes, even his sister is his neighbor and he has to love her too. 😳)

So the idea is that when the kids are bickering, they have to pull a slip of paper out of a jar that has a way to demonstrate love to one another. Here are just a few ideas I came across (thank you,  kidspot.com):
- give each other a compliment
- make each other's bed
- draw something positive about your sibling
- read a storybook together, each person taking a turn on each page
- write a poem for the other person
- turn on music and dance for 5 minutes
- play Simon Says for 6 minutes, each person being Simon for 3 minutes
- make each other an "I'm sorry" card
- draw something together
- play Madlibs together
- create a secret handshake together
- give each other a big hug
- pick up each other's toys
- do a chore together (clean bathroom sinks, sweep the kitchen floor, get the mail...)
- tell each other a secret
- do 10 jumping jacks, 10 push ups, and 10 sit ups together
- ask your sibling to tell you one thing they would like you to do differently.

I have a feeling with the amount of bickering that has been going on lately, we are going to blow through this list preeeettttyyyy quickly. So give me some of your ideas! Share them in the comments and help stop the sibling bickering happening in the Cragin house!!! 
Please!!

KC


Thursday, March 2, 2017

Stupid Nacho Cheese Doritos

So it turns out that I have a huge weakness for Nacho Cheese Doritos. I think maybe I didn't realize this sooner because we rarely buy chips and when we do, it's never Doritos. But then I got sick and was without an appetite for a couple weeks so I purchased a couple things that sounded good and appetizing to eat: (*ahem* Nacho Cheese Doritos, BBQ Pringles, Sour Patch Kid Watermelon Slices, Gardettos - if you don't know what Gardettos are, you need to trust me with your whole heart and try them: all kinds of deliciousness!) and that was a stupid thing to do!

Because now that I'm pretty much mended (well...almost...mostly...) all I want to snack on are those blasted Nacho Cheese Doritos!! I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY!!! 

And here I sit, fighting my way through Dorito-loving-guilt and grace. Isn't this just the exact story of our lives?! Well, maybe not for all y'all, but I, myself, am constantly in a tug-of-war between feeling guilty for not being good enough and trying to hang on to that grace that says I don't have to be perfect! 

For example:
Parenting
Wife-ing
Friendships
Cleaning 
Eating Doritos
Being the best sister ever
(My brothers don't read my blog so I'm totally getting away with that one.)
Exercising
Parenting...again

It doesn't matter what I'm striving to be good at, I'm always finding myself somewhere in a balance of feeling horrible for being so bad at it and living in hope because of grace. 

And that is why I chose the name of this here blog: Surviving by the Grace of God. Because if it wasn't for that grace, I wouldn't be surviving. I'd be covered in or cheese powder from eating Nacho Cheese Doritos every day.

KC

Monday, January 30, 2017

pushing buttons

My daughter is an incredible button-pusher. I don't know how she does it, and I'm not sure she knows either. Not only can she push my buttons one day, and then push her brother's buttons another day, but by pushing his buttons, she can simultaneously push mine! That's talent!

Today we had a very calm and rational conversation about this very topic because this very topic had happened probably 5 times before noon today. And maybe it was less calm and rational than I originally said. 😳 I pretty much told her what I had observed from that morning and told her she needed to cut it out. 

Now, this is not the first time we've had this conversation. And it won't be the last. And I am mentally okay with that. I am not emotionally okay with that because it DRIVES ME INSANE!!! In which case, maybe I'm not really mentally okay with that...

But it struck me today, as I listened to her lament about why she acts that way and how she just doesn't know how to quit it and she knows when she's doing it but she can't stop herself, that I need to go a step or two further than just saying, "CUT IT OUT, ALREADY!!"

Our children are born with weaknesses. And guess what we parents get to do? We get to spend 18 years identifying the weaknesses and then trying to help our kids overcome them (or we'll ignore them, depending on the type of parent we might be.) And then they will move out completely fixed and ready to face the world with no help from us parents anymore. (And this is where we all throw our heads back and laugh and laugh because we know that last part is completely false.)

So today in the car, I listened to my daughter become frustrated with herself and I told her to stop and be quiet for a minute, which she did. Then I prayed. I prayed for her and for her relationship with her brother and for me and my sanity and for us all to get along. Then I chatted with her about some tactics she could employ when she felt herself going down that button-pushing road. We talked about solutions. And then we talked about how she wasn't going to succeed every time but the important thing was to never give up trying. 

And then we arrived at In N Out and everything was right with the world and we all lived happily ever after...for the next 8 hours. 

My daughter and I have different weaknesses to contend with. I don't know how her brain works; it's very different from mine. However, there is no one who is a bigger advocate for my daughter than me and my husband. Which is why I will read articles and books and pray and read the Bible and ask advice so I can learn how I can help my child be stronger than her weaknesses. 

Parenting is ridiculously hard some days. And it's hard not to take our children's weaknesses personally. And fighting off resentment can be a daily battle. But if we constantly remind ourselves that we are not the enemy, but the advocate for our kids who really just need our help, it makes our job easier and clearer, despite the muddy waters we sometimes have to walk through. 

I don't have my kids figured out and I'm often stuck in the mud (not to be confused with a "stick in the mud") but I do know that a burger and some fries from In N Out (along with a bunch of prayer) will go a long way in solving life's problems. 

KC

Sunday, January 29, 2017

Netflix and momhood

Do you know why I love Netflix so much?!
Besides the obvious reasons: 
-No commercials
-Watch what I want when I want
-Watch in my room on my iPad
-Watch something other than Pokemon or annoying TeenieBopper Disney shows
-Watch for 10 minutes or 40 minutes or 2 hours...
-Watch romantic movies by myself because no one else will watch them with me
-Ditto on the comedies...

But here comes the main reason: 
I love Netflix because I'm a mom and my brain is constantly going in 10-15 different directions simultaneously, all day long. I could be making dinner, answering questions about why I can't order something off of Amazon.com right then, listening to my son name all the different Pokemon characters, while trying to remember if someone got the mail that day and if I remembered to change our dentist appointments...amd still manage to burn the garlic bread! (It's not too tough. Just work on 5 different things at once while the garlic bread is under the broiler, with no timer set because who needs a timer when it's only going to take 3 minutes (apparently I do) and then just wait for the smell of burnt toast to fill the kitchen. Ta-Dah! Burnt garlic bread! Again!)

And I tell you all that to tell you why I love Netflix: while I watch Netflix, I turn ALL of my brain off, except the part that laughs at stupid jokes and the unrealistic life situations of fictional characters. 

Sometimes, when I take a lunch break, I go into another room and eat away from my kids for about 25 minutes while I watch Netflix. When everyone is in bed and I'm trying to get started on my blog, I'll often watch an episode of something or another to clear the day out of my head. Sometimes I watch 4 episodes of something or another which is why some nights, there's no blog post. 😳 And then there are the days when I fold laundry and watch part of an episode simply because I don't like doing laundry and watching Netflix takes my focus off of the fact that I'm doing dumb laundry! 

So yeah, Netflix is a bit of an escape. It allows my brain to turn off the 15 switches that have been on all day and have exhausted me. 

Maybe I should be doing something else like reading a book or memorizing scripture or practicing Yoga. But if I'm being honest, I'm just not that good of a person! I tried being perfect a few times and found that to be impossible! Just freakin' impossible!

So, yes, there are probably a hundred things I could do that would be better than watching Netflix but I'm pretty sure I don't care. Because: I'm surviving by grace! GRACE!! Not perfection, but grace. ❤️

So tell me, what're you watching these days? I need some ideas...

KC

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

sunshine, glorious sunshine

Can I just say: Praise Jesus and Hallelujah for the sunshine!!

It has been so nice to see blue skies and puffy white clouds and I don't even mind having to squint while I drive because I forgot my sunglasses, because my bones are finally starting to get warmed up by the sunshine! It. Is. About. TIME. People!!

I hate rain. 
Okay, okay, "hate" is a pretty extreme word...I greatly dislike rain! 
I know we need it and it's good for our state and our crops and animals and people and whatever. 
But it's not good for me. It is not good for KC.
The grey skies, cold weather, wetness, and overall inconvenience of rain makes me miserable.
I am not a fan of anything related to rain EXCEPT rain boots and puddles to jump in while wearing rain boots! (See? I can still find a silver lining!)

Too much of the rainy cloudy weather will begin to make me feel gloomy. There is actually a disorder named "seasonal affective disorder" (S.A.D. - imagine that?!) that brings on depression, most commonly in winter. I might not suffer from that to the deepest depths, but it certainly bums me out!

People talk about being cozy by a fire, reading a book and drinking hot cocoa while the rain falls outside their window....WHO ACTUALLY HAS TIME FOR THAT?! Not me! I'm busy running around and doing all the crazy stuff I normally do, but in the rain! And the wind has epdecoded to join the rain, but only  at night WHILE I AM TRYING TO SLEEP! And the kids? They're not playing outside. Nooooooo, all the more time spent inside with yours truly. 

And yours truly is already suffering from "Rain Bums Me Out-ness" so yours truly is completely DONE with this rain.

So I'm going to do my happy dance all over my dry driveway and driving around surrounded by sunshine and while my kids play outside because sunshine makes me happy!! 

Because it looks like it's going to rain again in another week.

That's it. I'm going to Mexico.

KC