trudging

December.

Super fun month!!

Super busy month.

I'm exhausted already and it's not even December 1st.

Do you ever get to that point in the day where no matter how many times you cross something off your to-do list, it still manages to grow when you're not looking? Some days when that happens, my brain goes into shut-down mode. It won't function correctly. It's as if there is a dial that is turned down from "super productive" to "done with today" and when that happens, it's so frustrating!! Not only is my to-do list breeding like bunnies (sorry, Mom), but my brain pretty much threw up its figurative hands and said, "Forget this baloney. I'm out!" 

Today I walked out of Target (during which I was in a fog the entire time) and stood right outside the door asking my kids where I had parked the truck 15 minutes earlier. I'm grateful for their sharp minds because I'd still be wandering the parking lot...

Time for a nap.

Oh how I wish I was still at that place in life where I could afford a nap. 

At this point in my day, I have a choice. 

Give up. 

Or keep trudging. 

Trudging. That doesn't sound very uplifting. It doesn't sound fun. It sounds like a 5 year old being forced to go on a family hike, kicking his feet in the dirt every step of the way, until he realizes that it's kinda fun picking up sticks and climbing over rocks and looking for critters along the way. 

In other words, sometimes just taking that first unwanted step will get you back on track to going the direction that you actually end up enjoying. 

Sometimes you need that break, that respite from the busy-ness of life. I think it's important to grant yourself a bit of mercy once in a while. But for myself I know that if I allow myself to do that too often, it will become a habit (because, believe it or not, I like naps and watching Netflix and doing nothing at all!) so I often choose to trudge on.

And usually I ended up happier and more satisfied having done so.

But I'll tell you one little secret: typically when my brain decides to try and go into "sleep mode" in the middle of the day, I can't get a good restart without asking for a little help (or sometimes a lot!) 

It usually sounds like this: Augh, Lord, I'm so over this day. Please help me function enough to make it through the next few hours. Please!! (There is usually some desperation in my voice at this point.). 

So it turns out

I made it through today. 

I make it through every day! 

Sometimes I'm thriving and

Sometimes I'm just surviving, 

But it is all by the grace of God.

(You see what I did there? My blog title... Clever, right?! Right?!)

KC

unconditional

Life has a funny way of constantly reminding me that I'm not perfect. Every day, even good days, are filled with all these little reminders of how far I am from perfection. It's REALLY annoying!

My bathroom counter can't seem to keep itself cleaned, followed closely by the rings in the toilet. 

Every time I grab mayo or ketchup from the door of the fridge, I see the yuck that needs to be wiped out...or just covered back up by the ketchup bottle.

I'm pretty sure I yell at my kids at least once a day.

You should see me try to give myself a pedicure.

I forget birthdays all the time.

I mentally respond to texts but forget to physically respond later.

I hate grocery shopping. I forget my list all the time.

There are fingerprints and face prints that just remain on mirrors and windows.

Sometimes I feed my kids Spaghettios for lunch.

I discover random bruises on my legs because apparently I forget how clumsy I am.

Chocolate is a weakness, as is caffeine.

I hit the snooze on my alarm more than once in the morning. Usually a minimum of 3 times (but I allow for that lapse of time when I set the alarm, so that's good, right?!)

I frequently over toast the toast in our toaster oven so the kids won't eat it and I have to eat the oversized croutons myself.

And these are just a few of the ones I'm willing to publicly admit! 

You know, reading through a list like that and thinking of all the failures and imperfections that I see in myself every day, it's easy to feel discouraged. I can get down on myself very quickly. That's no fun. That feeling can make for a really difficult day.

But God is aware. He knows when I get down. And it seems that lately He has been consistently reminding me that His love for me is not dependent on my perfection. His love is unconditional. Do you fully understand that? I'm not sure that I even do because I am not capable of so fullness a love such as His. 

His love is not conditional upon how often I clean the shower, how much money I make, if my hair is looking fabulous or in a ponytail...again. He loves me when I'm in a bad mood, when I'm crying, amd when I lash out.

Do you know how much of a relief that is? When the rest of the world has expectations and expresses disappointment in my failings, He is still loving me, despite me. 

He knows my heart like no one else. He knows that I am trying to stay on the narrow path but that I struggle daily with weaknesses and temptations. 

He loves me like no one else is capable of doing.

Unconditionally.

KC 

compassion

My mom and I stood in line behind Donna today at the Salvation Army. Donna was agitated. She stood in front of us in her mismatched outfit and dyed red hair and expressed her frustration over some other lady who had cut in line and didn't adhere to where the line was actual supposed to form. She uttered a couple of cuss words and Mom and I just nodded our heads and listened to her frustrations until she finally got out of line and went to the back of the store.

A bit later she came back to stand behind us, explaining that she had complained to the manager and he was coming up to handle it. Mom and I insisted that she take her place in front of us and she graciously accepted and then chatted with us a while longer about the two items she was purchasing but probably shouldn't be purchasing because (cuss words sprinkled throughout) she couldn't afford them, but they would make her and her husband happy because life was rough and they had lost their home and jobs and....

At this point we began to express our sympathy to her and told her that we would pray for her. We asked what her name was and as she teared up, we again repeated that we would pray. She thanked us and it was finally her turn to pay.

My mom made the comment that often times, people who are hurting themselves can be critical of those around them. This gal was so uptight about such a simple thing and yet a two minute conversation with her had brought her to tears.

As she finished paying, she turned around and walked back towards us with her arms open to give us a hug. She still had tears in her eyes as we both hugged her and reassured her that we would pray for her. She thanked us and then headed outside. 

We didn't do anything great. We just listened and sympathized. Sometimes I guess that's all people are looking for is someone with ears to hear and a heart to care. 

KC

exactly what i needed

I got a phone call from one of my big brothers this evening. I've got 3 of them. If you've had the chance to spend any time with any one of them, then you know I'm pretty fortunate to have these 3 big brothers in my life and the lives of my family. 

My brother knew I was struggling with a situation. He didn't call to solve the problem for me. He didn't call to give me advice or his opinion. 

He called because he cared about me. 

His purpose in calling me was simply to tell me to sit back and enjoy my evening and not let the craziness of life get in the way.

He cares about me and that was all I needed to hear to handle life again.

Sometimes you can't help solve someone's problem. Sometimes you don't have the best advice for the situation. Sometimes you are at a loss in how to help someone. 

Maybe the best thing you can do is tell them that you care. 

Maybe that's exactly what they need to hear.

I didn't know it when he called, but it turns out that it was exactly what I needed.

KC

my stupid kryptonite

I have a kryptonite. I don't like that there is this part of me that is weak and that can devastate me, but it is who I am and I am learning from it and becoming stronger because of it... I think.

I also don't like the idea of telling you all what my kryptonite is, but I've always been honest and real about myself and chances are one or two or fifteen of you have this same weakness. 

I don't like being hurt. I don't like words that crush my heart. I don't like when people express their dislike for me or something about me without tact. I don't like thoughtless criticism. I am affected deeply by unkind words. 

When I was a child, I would shudder at someone raising their voice in anger, even if it wasn't directed at me!  I have been known, just recently, actually, to stay up till all hours of the night, just thinking through someone's harsh words. I have cried, I have written out my emotions, I have wanted to yell, and I have gotten mighty angry (in my own head, which is not fun because you don't physically get to punch or break things) at the careless words said to me in order to bring me down. 

The people-pleaser in me truly struggles to let it go. These things will haunt me for days. Your words have the power to devastate me.

And I know I'm not the only one.  

But you know what I've learned from all of this? That I don't want to be that person, the one who brings others down with their words. I have learned how to speak with tact and care (although I'm sure my husband might disagree about how often I use both in our "discussions." But he's already committed to loving me, despite my faults. So I'm quite fortunate in that aspect!) I do try to think through all I say and try to hear it from the other person's perspective. I'm still not great at it, but my intentions are good.

And you know what else? I have made it my goal to build others up, not tear them down. Imagine if we walked through our days with the intention of building up the people around us, the people we see everyday? Family, friends, co-workers, but also cashiers, waitresses/waiters, baristas (because those are my everyday people) or even random people in a store! How good would your day be if a random gal walked up and complimented you on your shoes, or even better: your hair?! 

Let's be that gal. Let's be the intentional people. The people who look to build others up. Let's give each other a measure of grace and seek to encourage. 

Meanwhile, if you do decide to use my kryptonite against me,you need to know that I've got a strong husband standing behind me who won't hesitate to back me up and punch you in the nose! Well, maybe he wouldn't go that far... 

KC

always a mom

I met with my mom today. We had to talk through the details of Thanksgiving dinner. These are important things! 

However, over a breakfast burrito and coffee at the local bakery, I ended up pouring out my momhood woes once again. That poor mother of mine has had to listen to my heart about raising my kids for the past 10 years! Goodness, what a saint!

I know it's difficult for her to watch me struggle, to see the tears in my eyes, to want to help but not always know how. But she listens and rarely interrupts and at the end of my emotional mess, she always has words of wisdom (even if she doesn't think she does!) And I always leave our times together encouraged and with a new perspective.

I am truly blessed. If she's played any kind of motherly role in your life, then you know you are blessed too.

I don't know who you have in your life who can listen and encourage you like that, but when you find that person, don't let go. Let them know the value that they are in your life. Appreciate them out loud so that they know they are serving a purpose in your life.

My mom is an amazing mother and I am blessed to call her my friend.

I hope that one day my daughter will say the same about me.

KC

(Sappy, I know...and it's not even Mother's Day!)

just what I needed

Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes you don't want to talk about it because you are living it and to talk about it means you are dwelling on it even more than you feel like it. So sometimes you just get quiet. 

I've been quiet. Life's exhausting. Just when it feels like one more stinking thing could break me, another thing comes along and I figure out how to stand up underneath it. Not very well, mind you, but God seems to give me just enough strength to keep working through frustrations. 

(Not to worry you, nothing over the top happening in my life - just all the normal frustrations that can wear you down after a while!)

The past couple of weeks He has sent me strength through my husband who keeps showering me with the words I need to hear. 

He's sent me strength through amazing neighbors who totally get me and understand my struggles.

He has sent me strength through my family who is there no matter what to have my back.

And my friends have overwhelmed me with their thoughts of me, not even knowing that I needed what each of them had to give. (Just so you know, this sentence does not give near enough credit to my friends who have said and done so much for me these past couple of weeks!)

So this evening (or rather very early morning), when I could be lost in a pity party, I am instead feeling so grateful for who God has surrounded me with. There were moments when I was brought to tears when someone said or did something that bolstered me. I'm even writing tonight because a friend told me to get back to it! 

He knew exactly what I needed when I needed it. 

You ever have that? When you look around and all the garbage and realize that through it all, He was still providing exactly what you needed?

That God, He's pretty amazing...

KC