Tuesday, December 29, 2015

capable

Today my kids and were up in our den doing something...I can't remember what because it's my Christmas vacation and I turned my brain off some days ago. I noticed that a cushion on a foot rest had a slight rip in the seam and I grabbed a needle and thread to start a quick repair. As I was threading the needle I started chatting with them about how I was going to teach them how to sew someday. And how I was going to teach them to do a lot of things while I had the chance.


Jayne said that'd be fine as long as they were things she felt like learning to do. (This is my battle, folks.) I then delved a little deeper, hoping that maybe 50-75% of what I said might stick. That's a decent percentage right there!

Here's the deeper:

As the mother of these two kiddos, I feel it is my responsibility to make them capable people. I want them to know how to do a whole myriad of things. I want them to experience a large variety of activities in their lives. Sewing, crafting, creating, laundry, cooking, baking, music, sports, cleaning, taking care of pets, ordering their own food, paying at the register, painting, relating to others with differences, building, learning a second language, photography, teaching each other, exercising, making healthy food choices, science experiments, understanding technology (better than me), traveling, finances, giving, taking care of little ones...this list could go on and on for all that I want to teach amd have my kids experience! I'd better get crackin'. 

By creating multi-faceted lives for my children, I'm hoping they will be able to do three valuable things:
1. Fend for themselves and take care of their own well-being.
2. Be able to relate to and help others.
3. Most important: be better equipped for God's calling in their lives.

Unfortunately, I know I'm not going to be able to teach them everything, and the things I do teach will be far from perfectly taught. (Turns out that I'm not perfect at everything...or at anything!) But that's okay because I realized years ago that a God's grace covers what I miss. He is perfect at everything. I'm glad He's got my back in this whole parenting thing I got myself into!

KC

Sunday, December 27, 2015

without regrets

Today I was chatting on the phone with a dear friend of mine. We were discussing hurts from the past and how much it stinks to work through them and how they can continue to affect life in the present. I was reminded of a conversation that I had with my husband years ago. I didn't realize it at the time, but it profoundly impacted my perspective on life.

We dated in our late college years so much of our teens has passed by that point. I remember asking him if he ever regretted anything he had done in his past. Without hesitation he said, "No."  I was a bit shocked because I knew there were things I had done and said that I wish I hadn't. But then he explained further. 

You see, all the choices he had made in the past, good or bad, had shaped him into the man he was. You learn from bad decisions just as much as (or maybe even more than) from your good decisions. (Wise man!)

We all do dumb things. And we all say stupid things! I know I'm not the only one who has asked a non-pregnant lady how far along she was! But I will never, ever ask that question again, even if she looks like she's going to pop! 

But it's what we do after our choices that make a difference in our future. Even people who have made horrible decisions have turned around to become advocates against their terrible choices. 

I don't want to live a life of regrets.
And I'm not convinced that God is a God of condemnation. 
John 12:47b - "for I did not come into the world to judge the world, but to save it."

(Now, lest you think that I believe God is okay with anything that makes me happy, let me just explain that there is a difference between "condemnation" and "conviction." There has been pleeeeeeentyyyyyyy of "conviction" in my life from my all-loving God who desires the good results that comes from good decisions, let me just tell you! But I have had to learn that the "condemnation" I felt was not from God, but from people. But that is a whole different topic for a whole other day.)

I try not to wallow in my past. I try to learn from it and use it shape my future.
So if you are pregnant, please forgive me for not asking how far along you are...

KC



Saturday, December 26, 2015

heavenly peace

This evening as I sit under a blanket on my couch thinking about this Christmas celebration, all I keep thinking is: Phew! I can see my carpet!

In other words, it didn't get so chaotically crazy In here that we couldn't clean it up (well almost, because the Lego piles need to stay where they are according to what is being created out of them) and manage to bring back some sanity in the house. 

You know what's on the schedule for tomorrow? A whole lotta nothing. There is no place I have to be. No thing that must get done. Peace. (Well, that's with high hopes that the kids get along tomorrow because they are so distracted by their new treasures that they forget to fight with each other.)

...and now the last words of Silent Night float through my head: sleep in heavenly peeeeeeace, sleep in heavenly peace. 

I hope you get a little peace after this Christmas hustle and bustle.
Peace to sit and read.
Peace to take a nap.
Peace to enjoy a hot cup of coffee.
To enjoy your family.
To reflect on your blessings.
To chat with a loved one.

Peace that comes in knowing the Babe has been born; the Babe that will save us from this unrestful and unpeaceful earth. 
Heavenly peace. 

Merry and Peaceful Day After Christmas to you all,
KC

Friday, December 25, 2015

a big gift in a small package

This evening I wrapped the last gift. It is probably the smallest gift under the tree. It's not fancy; I didn't even put a bow on it. But it was the most important gift that I put under the tree. This gift marks the beginning of a new tradition for the Cragin Family.

Tomorrow morning our kids will wake up early - some natural alarm clock that wakes them up before the sun on Christmas Day. They have specific instructions not to wake us before 7:00. We'll have a quick breakfast because patience is at a minimum and one by one we will open our gifts. I'll save that little one for the very end.

You might think us to be cruel parents, but we have never promoted the idea of Santa in our home. This was a personal decision that we made before we ever had children. Our kids like the idea of Santa, think he's a wonderful character, and have very specific instructions to never tell any child that Santa isn't real. Our focus for Christmas has always been the birth of a Savior.

This evening within that little box I wrapped up baby Jesus from my favorite nativity set. In the morning  the kids are going to get some great gifts - I cannot wait to see their expressions! But I'm hoping that opening that last gift will serve as a reminder of the true meaning of Christmas, the best gift of all: The birth of Jesus Christ.


Merry Christmas to you all,
KC

Thursday, December 24, 2015

Christmas in heaven

I miss him. I know I'm not the only one. Everybody who met him, loved my dad.

Christmas makes loss fresh, whether you lost someone you care about just this year and you have to try and celebrate without him or her for the first time, or if it's been many years and you think of how much more enjoyable it would be with him or her there. Christmas is bittersweet: a time to celebrate while you are desperately missing a loved one.

You ever wonder if there is a Christmas celebration in heaven? A happy birthday party for the One who made it possible for all of those souls to be in heaven? Could you imagine?! Best party ever! I betcha the food is amazing and the cookies aren't fattening. The music is phenomenal because: angel choirs!! And the company - all people you get along with! 

Ok, maybe there isn't a Christmas celebration. But I'm thinking every day is probably a celebration in heaven. And that is the only thing that makes it okay for my Dad to not be here for Christmas. He is somewhere a million times better than earth. He is experiencing the deepest of joys, the most incredible peace, and unfathomable love, all in the presence of his Savior. 

I'd love to celebrate the holidays with my Pa, but I'd never wish him out of heaven to do so. 

I don't have great words of comfort. Loss sucks. It'll always hurt. The holidays will be difficult. 

But I know someday I'll have a great reunion with my Pa in heaven and then we will celebrate together and make up for all the times we missed for so many years. That gives me hope, and a little peace, and something incredible to look forward to. 

The "now" sucks.
But the future's gonna be awesome. 
I can't wait to celebrate Christmas in heaven.

KC

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

JOY

It's been one crazy busy month. December hit and suddenly my to-do list quadrupled in length and time sped up at the same time - what's that all about?! So this week we finish school and I have no piano students so you'd think there'd be some time of rest...

HAHAHAHA! 
Nope.

Family sickness, child crabbiness, last minute gift shopping, Drs. appointments and BOOM: another day that was gone in just minutes. 

With the busy and quickly passing days, it's been difficult to maintain the holiday spirit. I light the Christmas candles, turn on the Christmas lights, listen to Christmas music, and eat the Christmas cookies, but I can't slow down the days that lead up to the big day. It's exhausting.

But you know what isn't lost? What can't be taken away? 

Joy!

Despite the busyness, the gift buying, the food preparation, the Christmas programs and parties, and whatever else may happen before the big day, it is all leading up to the most joyous celebration of all: the birth of a Savior!

People, I am a sinful, rotten creature. I do not deserve the gift of heaven. But I still get to go there because my Savior, celebrated on Christmas Day, took all that rotten, sinfulness upon himself and took the punishment for every bit of it so that I could be deemed worthy for heaven. JOY!!

That joy is ever-present, even when life gets out-of-control busy and exhausting. It lives in the depths of my soul and that joy fuels me. It is constant.

Joy to the world, the Lord has come! 

Yes! That is true Joy.

KC 





Monday, December 21, 2015

Easter - the best gift of Christmas (guest post by JB)

I was thinking that I should focus on Christmas this week because, well, Christmas! And lo and behold, a buddy of mine, whom I have been pestering to write for me as a guest blogger, sent me a great perspective on Christmas. Read this and then mentally applaud JB for sharing the true meaning, the deeper meaning of Christmas so clearly:  

So so close to Christmas, we celebrate the birth of Jesus. We celebrate by giving gifts, spending time with family and friends, let's not forget the FOOD!! 

For some of us, we look forward to the anticipation of what Christmas brings. For some it's much needed time off, others figuring out what needs to be done to stay away from the tax man. It's also stressful to some making sure every nephew or niece gets a gift or stocking stuffer, that every ingredient is on hand for the FOOD! (See my love for food) 

But tonight, at the Sounds of the Season concert at my church, Modesto CRC, (which if you missed.....make sure it's on your list of things to see next year. Amazing job by so many members of my church), I focused on Jesus's impending death. 

Why??? As I held that candle at the service and sang "Silent Night" I was overwhelmed with what it means that Jesus died on a cross for ME! I wanted it to be Easter. I realize that had Jesus never been born, we could never celebrate his death and resurrection. 

Maybe it's because I've been so busy at the farm, (it's hard being Farmer John) I've not been able to feel the joy of what Christmas brings. But what I've seen and heard while selling Christmas trees this year has made me see the despair that is so prevalent in some people. Worse yet, it's brought out bad stuff within me. I've been judgmental, irritable to others including my own family and wife that I love. So much temptation as well. We all know the usual temptations.  

But with Easter there is always a sense of renewal. We focus on all the bad things we do and think and ask forgiveness, whereas Christmas is celebrating Jesus birth. But think about the selfishness that happens. 

Maybe tonight was just what I needed to find the joy in Christmas. I am renewed, Jesus Christ is born!!! Alleluia!! 

JB

Show my buddy some appreciation for his reminder of how awesome Christmas is because it points to Easter. Thanks, JB, for sharing your words!

Sunday, December 20, 2015

feel it

This morning in church, a gal sang a solo that gave me goosebumps through the entire song. Although she sang beautifully, but it wasn't her voice that caused the chills. It was the words of the song. The writer in me became absorbed in the choice of words that were used to portray meaning and emotion. Each phrase is powerful and moving. I was nearly moved to tears as I began to feel every word. 

Maybe it's just the linguistic geek in me, but can't you feel this song?!
(Free commentary provided by yours truly)

O Holy Night 
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night
Of our dear Savior's birth (if this doesn't set the setting for you...then read it again!)

Long lay the world
In sin and error pining (how heavy does that feel?!)
Til He appeared
And the soul felt its worth (the soul - your innermost, what makes you, you. Now your soul can breathe because you are not defined by your sin and error - the Savior came!)

A thrill of hope
The weary world rejoices ("thrill," "hope," "rejoices" - I've been weary, these words erase that weariness)
For yonder breaks
A new and glorious morn ("new", people! AND "glorious!" We are starting over!)

Fall on your knees (the amount of gratitude we should have for this Savior should make us physically fall to our knees) 
Oh hear the angel voices (I'm going to assume that "angel voices" are better than anyone who has appeared on American Idol or The Voice, in which case: wow!)
O night divine (how can you not be happy about the word "divine?" For some reason, the only thing I can think of right now as being divine is chocolate, but hey, that'd make for a pretty good night...)
O night when Christ was born (but this is quite a bit more divine than chocolate!)
O night divine
O night when Christ was born!

Can't you just FEEL it? Isn't your heart starting to swell and feel full?! 
Okay, so I might have gotten a little off track at the end of the song, but I wasn't actually there the night Christ was born and in order for me to even begin to imagine how amazing it must have felt, I have to liken it to my own experiences...like chocolate and The Voice, both of which are pretty amazing!


I geeked out even more and "researched" (in other words "Googled") the history behind this song. And in short (to quote beliefnet.com) it was originally written by a French "poet who later split from the church, given soaring music by a Jewish composer, and brought to Americans to serve as much as a tool to spotlight the sinful nature of slavery as tell the story of the birth of a Savior and it has become one of the most beautiful, inspired pieces of music ever created." At one point the song was banned from being sung in churches! Good thing God is bigger than us.

We've only got about 5 more days of Christmas music ahead of us (unless you're one of those strange ones who can listen to it all year round - I know a few of you types and I love you for it,  but I just can't 😳) and my hope for you all is that you don't just hear the music, but that you feel it. 
You know, goosebumps and all.

KC



I went looking for a link to this song on YouTube and, being partial to the talent of Southern Gospel performers, I found this video of the Collingsworth Family. Woah!: http://youtu.be/8wUbtuKZjWo 






Friday, December 18, 2015

just ask

Last night I had one of the most beautiful Christmas recitals since I started teaching piano lessons. It was magical! The whole thing took place in my family room and lasted under an hour.

I've been prepping for this thing for nearly 3 days. My husband was on a trip out of town for work so I was also doing the single-mom thing. (I'm giving out some major props right here to the single parents who have to do that for more than 5 days in a row!) 

I thought I was mentally ready to get this thing all together. I'm a strong and capable gal, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound. Until I started working on it and the to-do list kept growing and growing. And the heavy feeling of overwhelmingness (we're calling that a word today) set in. 

So you know what I did? It was very simple, actually. 

I asked for help. 

And I was overwhelmed in a completely different way. My friends and family stepped in and did whatever I needed. Caffeine delivery, crafty stuff, decorating, moving furniture, cleaning, setting up chairs, just being there. Everything got accomplished, even the items low on the priority list that I figured just wouldn't happen. It was beautiful!

I tend to think I can do everything on my own. It's a bit of an independence streak, I guess. Or stubbornness. Or possibly pride.  Hmmm, probably a bit of all three. I'm not very good at asking for help (and yet I love to help people - it blesses me to no end! Irony.) 

The truth is, I can't do everything on my own. But I often try to and end up stressed and frustrated. I could save myself so much worry and exhaustion simply by asking for help.

You ever think about how much easier life would be if you didn't have so much to do? 
Ever feel overwhelmed with your life, your kids, your emotions?
Maybe you are just plain exhausted. 
All the time. 
Just like me. (When I'm not, it's because of the ample amounts of caffeine - I'm not going to tell you how many Starbucks gift cards I received from my piano students for Christmas...😳)

Simple solution: ask for help. 

There are people, just like me, who are looking for opportunities to help. Believe it or not, we enjoy it! (Unless it involves cleaning the shower. Then I'm not going to enjoy it. We all have our weaknesses. Just sayin'.)

Sometimes your weariness can't be solved by the people around you. But there is a bigger source of help: our Father God. He doesn't even need you to speak words to understand you. Just an emotion-filled sigh is enough. 

You are never without help, friend. 
KC





Thursday, December 17, 2015

a village

Many of you have met my girl, Jayne. If not personally, then through my words, emotions, frustrations, and irritations. She's ten. That's 10 years of earning every wrinkle that is etched into this face. I HAVE EARNED THEM, PEOPLE!

What I don't mention very often is what an incredible little girl my strong-willed Jayne truly is. Her heart is so big. She cares so deeply about everything (even annoying things like why we can't invite someone over to play at 8 pm on a school night or why I won't let her eat an entire bag of popcorn for breakfast. You'd be astounded at the amount of emotion that can be elicited regarding the simplest things. Sheesh. Wrinkles.) God created her with tenacity (great word - gotta remember to use that more often) and determination, a strong conscience (she admits wrong doings within the day, even if I had no clue they had transpired!), and passion (which is my nice way of saying dramatic). 

I tell you all of that to share about something completely different. Sorta.

I can't raise this kid on my own. She's too much. My husband and I together sometimes just shake our heads wondering what to do some days. The word "ridiculous" gets used a whole lot in our house by the adults. We try, believe me. We have read books, sought counseling, searched the Internet, listened to podcasts, prayed, and tried what seems like a million techniques, some successful, some not so much (like the time we took everything out of her room except enough clothing for a week, her bed with one blanket and one pillow and told her she needed to earn it all back. She didn't. Wrinkles.)

We aren't doing it alone. And that is why we are surviving. Obviously, we have an amazing source of strength and power from our Father, but He has also put people in our lives, as well as hers, to shape her and grow her right alongside us. Her aunts and uncles, grandparents and cousins all pour into her and pray for her (and us!) They love on her and correct her behavior and attitude. I have friends who think of ways to motivate her and talk with her about the choices she makes now and where that will take her in her future. I have friends who take her into their home and treat her as if she is also their daughter. And the neighborhood moms (and dads!) who step in to help her when I can't be there - goodness, we are blessed!

Ever since Jayne was very little, we realized that it would take a village to raise her. Not in the sense that we leave it up to the village to raise her because that would just make us irresponsible (even though there are days, I'll admit, when that sounds very appealing) . More in the sense that we have given key people, whom we trust and who care about our daughter, permission to guide her and teach her when we aren't present or just can't. (Just ask my mom - she's been there and stepped in during the "just can't" days!)

I don't know what we would do without this God-given village.
We are truly blessed.

Sending out mad love to our village. ❤️
Thank you for helping to shape our JayneeGirl into all the phenomenal things of paragraph #2. 
(See how I brought that back around? Smooth...)

KC

Monday, December 14, 2015

outside vs inside


My children are the most beautiful children to walk the planet. Gorgeousness oozes from them. No other child can compare. And I'm totally allowed to say that because I'm their mom. And if you ask their dad, he'll agree completely! 

Ok, so we all feel this way about our children. My daughter has the most beautiful strawberry blonde hair with the perfect sprinkling of freckles across her nose, just under her bright blue eyes. That hair gets people's attention and she gets complimented on it regularly. 

Tonight I was snuggling with her in bed and I started a conversation with her about physical beauty. Well, apparently I have been doing my job because partway into the conversation I said, "Having people compliment you about your physical beauty is a nice thing, but..." and she finished off my sentence for me: "real beauty comes from the inside, Mom."

My heart burst with pride for a split second - she knows the truth! But we talked and elaborated a bit more, because it is easy to get caught up in outside beauty and forget the inside completely. She's only 10. She has a lot of time to be influenced by this world that distracts from creating a beautiful heart by focusing on a pretty face and body.

Real beauty, in my opinion, can often be seen in someone's eyes. It just shines out of them. (Eyes are the window to the soul, right?)
These people that you find yourself drawn to are kind, friendly, thoughtful, and caring. They have a heart for people. They are generous. They care less about themselves and more about the people around them. 

The heart of a person is their most attractive feature. 

Teach this to your children, my friends! 
But know this for yourself, too. 
Your heart makes you beautiful.

Can you imagine how much more beautiful our world would be if we were truly searching for and creating beauty in the right places?!

For God sees not as man sees for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart. 1 Samuel 16:7 

KC

*I'm aware that I used the word "beauty" in various forms in this blog more than 10 times. I wasn't trying to be redundant, just focused. 
Focused on your beautiful beauty! 😁

Sunday, December 13, 2015

emotions

Women tend to be emotional. 
This is news to you all, I'm sure. 
Huge shocker.

Every great once in a while, once in a rare blue moon, we get a tad bit, just a smidge, not very much, just a little, over-emotional. But that's okay because it's super rare.

And if we are going to be perfectly honest, because that's totally what I'm being, women are not the only ones who can be emotional. I've known plenty of guys who bring their emotions to the table on a regular basis. 

Unfortunately, emotions often get a bad rap. Decisions should be made with logic. Emotions get in the way. They distract from the main point. Let's figure this out based on numbers and graphs and charts...

I'm going to go ahead and stand up for the validity of emotions right now. 
Emotions are God-given. I believe they come not only from our heart, but our very souls. 
I think that sometimes our heart and soul understand things better than our brain.
Sometimes we feel what we cannot completely understand or put into words.
Sometimes it's stronger than it needs to be, I'll admit to that in my own self. 
But typically there is a reason behind the emotions we feel, even if we can't express the "why."

A good friend of mine used to tell me years ago that just because my emotions might be over dramatic once in a while, that didn't make them invalid. They were still real feelings that deserved to be given attention.

Since her enlightening, I have learned how to control my emotions better (although becoming a mom brought out a whole new set to figure out!) but I have also learned to examine them so I can figure out where they stem from. It helps me vocalize them more logically when I've had some time to think about them! 

Emotions are a beautiful thing. 
God gave them to each of us for a purpose.
They have the potential to bring beauty and balance to a relationship.
Take time to figure them out and embrace them.
Emotions have brought about many beautiful things in our home.

KC




Wednesday, December 9, 2015

fruit...finally

Sometimes as a parent you can try and try and try to teach a child a lesson but it seems no matter what effort you put into the lesson, it just won't stick. It's like training a dog. Why, oh why will you not just sit when I ask you to?! 

And then, miracle of all miracles, you finally see a bit of fruit! That is the most rewarding part of being a parent, in my opinion. 

This year, my kids chatted with me about Thanksgiving (after the big day was done) and the upcoming Christmas season and their words blew me away! Things are sticking, people! After Thanksgiving, both of my kids told me a short list of what they were thankful for. Neither of them mentioned one material thing! Not toys, games, electronics, clothes...no! They were thankful for the people in their lives, their family members and friends. They were thankful for Jesus and that He gave us salvation. 

THERE WAS NO PROMPTING FROM ME! 
These were not rehearsed answers! 
Woah.

And randomly my Lincoln came up to talk with me about how he loved so many things about Christmas: making gingerbread house, and the birth of Jesus, of course (that was his, "duh, mom - that's the whole point of this holiday!"), and getting to see all his cousins and aunts and uncles and   grandparents. I asked if there was other stuff he liked and he mentioned decorating the tree but not once did he mention opening Christmas presents. 
Maybe he just forgot...yeah, he probably just forgot. 😜

Now maybe you think I'm a party-pooper of a mom. After all, what kind of mom would begrudge her children the happiness of opening Christmas presents?! But that's not the case. My kids have lists and I love picking things from their lists when I shop. I cannot wait to see their excitement when they open up each item that my husband and I intentionally discussed and picked out for each of them. That is such a fun experience that our family shares each Christmas morning!

But they see so much more than that now. And that makes my heart beam with pride. That is maturity. That is perspective. THAT MEANS THEY ARE LISTENING TO ME AND WATCHING ME!! Fruit. 

And fruit gives hope.
And hope motivates.
And as long as I can see a bit of fruit, I will keep on keeping on in this whole crazy parenting world that I call momhood.

KC

Tuesday, December 8, 2015

ridiculous

Today was ridiculous.
Simply ridiculous.
I'm not sure "simply" and "ridiculous" work together in your brain, but in mine it means that everything that happened today could only be defined as ridiculous. 
There is no other word.

Here we witness the calm before the ridiculousness.

Lights on the tree.
Ornaments on the tree.
Ornaments all over the floor.
Boxes piled everywhere. 
Appointment that ran an hour late.
Childcare that had to be changed in the middle of the day.
Phone dying...dead, for a couple hours (horror of all horrors, I say sarcastically, but in all actuality, with the way my day went, I needed to do some serious communicating and so the stress happened!)
Barely making it home for my first piano student.
Eight piano students.
ALL THE CHRISTMAS MUSIC!! (The piano recital is going to be beautiful, you guys!)
I remembered that I forgot to eat lunch so on to dinner. 
And a number of crazy little things just to add a little ridiculous spice to the day.

I tell you all that to tell you this:

I cannot make it through this life of mine without the amazing support system God has granted me. 
My mom was there to watch my kids and help them with school.
My dear friend was there to pick up my kids when my appointment went long and to tell me not to stress because she had it handled.
My sister-in-law was texting me right after that to tell me she could cover if I needed it.
The mom (who I am blessed to call a friend) of a couple of my adorable piano students commiserated with me as we both vented about our days - much needed!
The texts and prayers of dear ones lifting me up and making me smile in the middle of ridiculous days. 

I am blessed to have my entire immediate family all living within 15 minutes of me. 
But I am also incredibly blessed to have friends who will help me at the drop of a hat, if needed. 

As I sit here and reflect even more on this day, I am astounded by the people who God has put in my life to hold me up when I need it the most. I can think of so many people who I could have called or texted in a pinch. Goodness, it brings tears to my eyes. 

Yesterday I talked about the encouragers, mentors, those pushing you on to being a better you. 
But think of all those who have been there for you when you've needed them the most. The helpers, listeners, thoughtful givers. Don't forget to thank them for being in your life. They are invaluable!

Just a little bit of calm to end my day.


KC 


*So on a side note, I feel like this particular post is all over the place. So it if seems that way to you too, it's probably because it is. My brain is kinda feeling that way too, so that might explain it! If, by chance, it flows amazingly and you get my drift on being grateful for the people in your life who'll be there for you when you need them the most, then God went ahead and took over the post again. So let's hope that's what happened!


Monday, December 7, 2015

yay for coffee (dates)

(I put "dates" in parenthesis because that's really what the blog is about, but I'm also very excited about coffee these days, as well as tea, and anything else caffeinated.)

This morning had a great little surprise for me: a coffee date with a friend who has known me for years! Golly, I'm not even going to guess at how long she has known me, but we've been close friends for 6 or 7 or 8 years or so....

And I gotta say that the way it all transpired, it was God-directed. The timing, the amazing behavior of my children (umm, yeah. I did just say that 😳), the conversation, the tears, the mutual blessing, the shared hopes and dreams, the hugs: totally something that God had pre-planned to happen, even though we threw it together at the last minute.

He's pretty amazing that way. He's put some phenomenally encouraging and strong women in my life to help direct me, especially when I am fighting Him tooth and nail to go my own direction. He's put mentors in my life to push me and tell me what I need to hear. 

Those good people in your life? 
You know who they are. 
Listen to them. 
They are there for a reason. 
Probably because God put them there. 

I am so grateful He did.

KC


Sunday, December 6, 2015

adulting

Over the last few days I've had a few moments of shock as I realized once again that not only am I an adult, but I'm a mom! It's as if I'm transported back to my college years and I'm looking into my future of adulthood and I am not prepared!

You ever have that? Where you're walking around doing adult things and you think maybe you're not ready for that much responsibility, even though you've been doing it for over 10 years?! Not only am I responsible for myself, but for 2 children too! Who thought that was a good idea?! 


I don't know where those strange realizations stem from. Maybe a lack of confidence in my parenting skills. Maybe a disbelief that I could be old enough to have a 10-year-old daughter and 7-year-old son. Maybe it just comes at moments of extreme stress or tiredness when I'd rather be taking a nap but can't because I'm responsible for 2 other living beings that I have to keep alive! 

Fortunately those feelings are usually just there for a split second. Well, the tiredness and disbelief that I'm old enough to have a 10-year-old are always there, but the inability to "adult" leaves rather quickly.

That's because: GOD! 

I know I'm not doing this alone. Even when it is just me and the kids, I'm still never doing the mom thing by myself. As a matter of fact, any time I'm "adulting," I'm never doing it by myself. The stress, the schedules, the driving, working, wife-ing (we're going to call that a word), the mommying: never just me. 

He is with me always, whether I remember that He is or not! He's keeping my kids safe. He's protecting my car. He's guiding my thoughts as a mom. He's making me more conscientious as a wife. He is growing me up. 

He is helping me "adult" even when I feel like eating cereal out of the box while watching a Disney movie. Now I just have kids to do it with.

KC

*this one cracked me up!





in the deep

Lately I've begun to feel like my posts are a bit sad, maybe depressing.... 
I was starting to feel like maybe I'm bringing my faithful readers down.
I'm not actually walking around continually sad or depressed. 
But some days, some moments, some seasons are difficult.
And I have chosen to be real here with you all.

I write what's on my heart. I write according to the promptings that God puts on my heart. So maybe there are a bunch of you who have needed to hear this.

Life is hard. It can bring you to your knees. 
It can make you want to sob. 
You are not alone.
Some of the smiling faces around you are faking it just like you are.
You live life despite your hurt or pain.
You fight the feelings of depression.
You desperately try to find contentment.
You constantly swallow your disappointment in trying to find happiness.

Unfortunately, we were never promised a life of sunshine and tulips (because I like tulips better than roses). We were never told that we would have happiness all the days of our lives here on earth. If we believed that, we'd be fooling ourselves.

And if we were actually granted all days of happiness, we'd be missing out on the deep.

Because in darkness is where strength grows.
Relationships deepen.
Understanding, care, and unconditional love become realities.
In the lowest of lows is where life changes because perspective changes.
You become refined in fires.
You become grateful in loss.
You find more patience, more grace, more mercy for those who need it.
And humble. Oh, the humility you are blessed with in the shadows.

You are becoming less like you and more like Him. 

My heart hurts for those of mine who are in pain. 
I just want to find every one of you and hug and squeeze you.
Partly because I want the hug back!
But mostly to let you know that I love you.

KC



Wednesday, December 2, 2015

9 years and still grieving

As I sat at the piano for a rare few moments this afternoon, I smelled him. It didn't register at first and then suddenly the tears came. I could literally smell my dad. Not his cologne or after shave, but the woodsy warm leathery smell that my dad possessed. 
I don't know why. There is nothing in this room that he wore. But the scent was strong as I continue to finish my song at the piano.

I wasn't a kid when my Pa died. I was 28. 
But I was still his kid. 
And I still needed him as a dad.

No matter how old you get, I'm not sure that you stop wanting your parents' approval, their pride in you, their constant love through word and deed, their encouragement to keep on striving. 

My Dad was my rock. He was steadfast. He was my constant. I didn't even have to use words and he would get it. My mom has stepped in to fill those roles the best that she can and she has done an amazing job of being my support.

But I miss my Dad.

I wish he could be here to see what I've done with my life so far. (Do you know hard it is to type through tears - I can hardly tell what blurry letters I'm typing!) I wish he could enjoy my kids because they are so much fun and the neatest kids ever! He would get such a kick out of them. He was also so proud of my smallest achievements. There are things I've done and ways that I've grown that would make him beam with pride. He was my biggest fan, my constant encourager, and a fierce protector of my heart. 

I want him to know my friends, the close friendships I've made over the past nearly decade. I wish they could have known him. I wish he had more time so he could have touched more lives like he did just by being him. 

My Dad was a good man. 
I hate that he is not here on earth.
But it wasn't my decision. 
And even though God and I didn't see eye to eye on this decision,
God knows best.
And I love knowing that my Dad will greet me when I join him someday. In heaven. 

So much love from me to those of you who cry like I do at the most unexpected times because the gaping hole is still there and sometimes the realization of that loss is too great to contain. 

KC





Tuesday, December 1, 2015

let it go

Seriously, that was the cruelest thing I could do: make the title of this blog the lyrics to a song that everyone hopes to forget about for long periods of time. #sorrynotsorry #okayalittlebitsorry

A good friend of mine and I made plans to meet at my house for a bit today. We're both busy gals so when we can get an hour or two together we take it! Before she came over, I had schooling to do with my kids and then an errand to run and I made it back to my house approximately 3 minutes before she did. 

As I pulled into my court, I was thinking about all the things I would have liked to have had done before she came, all the straightening up that would have made my house more presentable. And then the yard and planters came into view and I thought about how little amount of work I had done to them since moving in 4 years ago. 

But in that same moment, where I began to feel bad about all that I wasn't accomplishing, God reminded me of something greater (He is quick like that!):

I am in a season. And this season of my life has priorities that don't include creating a beautiful yard or keeping my house perfectly clean (ok, honestly, I'm not sure I'll ever be in a season where I will keep my house perfectly clean...) 

So I let it go!

My season of life is focused on my husband and my children and my relationships with other people. If I don't get the laundry finished when I want to because I chose to hang out with our neighbors instead, that's because those people are important to me! If I have an hour break from my kids because they are attending gymnastics and I choose not to clean the bathroom, but to spend time having a cup of coffee with my mom, it's because my time with her is WAY more important than a clean bathroom.(D oesn't that make you feel special, Mom?! 😜) 

I know my life is packed. Between homeschool, a mini-career in teaching piano lessons, being a homemaker (yes, I like that term), maintaining this God-given passion to write (seriously, people, even if I take a break for a week or so, He is still poking my heart to get back on here and write!) and about 25 other hobbies/passions/priorities, I don't feel bad for setting aside the vacuum for another day or for letting the herbs get a little crazy in the front planter.

And friends, like my gal Kris, don't really care what the place looks like. The good friends, the true ones come to see me because they like me, despite my lack of house-keeping priorities. 

(Now, lest you think I shun those who keep a clean house, I will clarify: I don't shun you! Some people truly enjoy keeping a clean home, just as I enjoy playing piano or writing. To each their own priorities for each season of life. Mine will just never be cleaning the house. By the way, my husband is looking for recommendations for good housecleaners...)

KC


Monday, November 30, 2015

trudging

December.
Super fun month!!
Super busy month.
I'm exhausted already and it's not even December 1st.

Do you ever get to that point in the day where no matter how many times you cross something off your to-do list, it still manages to grow when you're not looking? Some days when that happens, my brain goes into shut-down mode. It won't function correctly. It's as if there is a dial that is turned down from "super productive" to "done with today" and when that happens, it's so frustrating!! Not only is my to-do list breeding like bunnies (sorry, Mom), but my brain pretty much threw up its figurative hands and said, "Forget this baloney. I'm out!" 

Today I walked out of Target (during which I was in a fog the entire time) and stood right outside the door asking my kids where I had parked the truck 15 minutes earlier. I'm grateful for their sharp minds because I'd still be wandering the parking lot...

Time for a nap.

Oh how I wish I was still at that place in life where I could afford a nap. 

At this point in my day, I have a choice. 
Give up. 
Or keep trudging. 

Trudging. That doesn't sound very uplifting. It doesn't sound fun. It sounds like a 5 year old being forced to go on a family hike, kicking his feet in the dirt every step of the way, until he realizes that it's kinda fun picking up sticks and climbing over rocks and looking for critters along the way. 

In other words, sometimes just taking that first unwanted step will get you back on track to going the direction that you actually end up enjoying. 

Sometimes you need that break, that respite from the busy-ness of life. I think it's important to grant yourself a bit of mercy once in a while. But for myself I know that if I allow myself to do that too often, it will become a habit (because, believe it or not, I like naps and watching Netflix and doing nothing at all!) so I often choose to trudge on.

And usually I ended up happier and more satisfied having done so.

But I'll tell you one little secret: typically when my brain decides to try and go into "sleep mode" in the middle of the day, I can't get a good restart without asking for a little help (or sometimes a lot!) 
It usually sounds like this: Augh, Lord, I'm so over this day. Please help me function enough to make it through the next few hours. Please!! (There is usually some desperation in my voice at this point.). 

So it turns out
I made it through today. 
I make it through every day! 
Sometimes I'm thriving and
Sometimes I'm just surviving, 
But it is all by the grace of God.

(You see what I did there? My blog title... Clever, right?! Right?!)

KC

Sunday, November 29, 2015

unconditional

Life has a funny way of constantly reminding me that I'm not perfect. Every day, even good days, are filled with all these little reminders of how far I am from perfection. It's REALLY annoying!

My bathroom counter can't seem to keep itself cleaned, followed closely by the rings in the toilet. 
Every time I grab mayo or ketchup from the door of the fridge, I see the yuck that needs to be wiped out...or just covered back up by the ketchup bottle.
I'm pretty sure I yell at my kids at least once a day.
You should see me try to give myself a pedicure.
I forget birthdays all the time.
I mentally respond to texts but forget to physically respond later.
I hate grocery shopping. I forget my list all the time.
There are fingerprints and face prints that just remain on mirrors and windows.
Sometimes I feed my kids Spaghettios for lunch.
I discover random bruises on my legs because apparently I forget how clumsy I am.
Chocolate is a weakness, as is caffeine.
I hit the snooze on my alarm more than once in the morning. Usually a minimum of 3 times (but I allow for that lapse of time when I set the alarm, so that's good, right?!)
I frequently over toast the toast in our toaster oven so the kids won't eat it and I have to eat the oversized croutons myself.

And these are just a few of the ones I'm willing to publicly admit! 

You know, reading through a list like that and thinking of all the failures and imperfections that I see in myself every day, it's easy to feel discouraged. I can get down on myself very quickly. That's no fun. That feeling can make for a really difficult day.

But God is aware. He knows when I get down. And it seems that lately He has been consistently reminding me that His love for me is not dependent on my perfection. His love is unconditional. Do you fully understand that? I'm not sure that I even do because I am not capable of so fullness a love such as His. 

His love is not conditional upon how often I clean the shower, how much money I make, if my hair is looking fabulous or in a ponytail...again. He loves me when I'm in a bad mood, when I'm crying, amd when I lash out.

Do you know how much of a relief that is? When the rest of the world has expectations and expresses disappointment in my failings, He is still loving me, despite me. 

He knows my heart like no one else. He knows that I am trying to stay on the narrow path but that I struggle daily with weaknesses and temptations. 

He loves me like no one else is capable of doing.
Unconditionally.

KC 

Saturday, November 28, 2015

compassion

My mom and I stood in line behind Donna today at the Salvation Army. Donna was agitated. She stood in front of us in her mismatched outfit and dyed red hair and expressed her frustration over some other lady who had cut in line and didn't adhere to where the line was actual supposed to form. She uttered a couple of cuss words and Mom and I just nodded our heads and listened to her frustrations until she finally got out of line and went to the back of the store.

A bit later she came back to stand behind us, explaining that she had complained to the manager and he was coming up to handle it. Mom and I insisted that she take her place in front of us and she graciously accepted and then chatted with us a while longer about the two items she was purchasing but probably shouldn't be purchasing because (cuss words sprinkled throughout) she couldn't afford them, but they would make her and her husband happy because life was rough and they had lost their home and jobs and....

At this point we began to express our sympathy to her and told her that we would pray for her. We asked what her name was and as she teared up, we again repeated that we would pray. She thanked us and it was finally her turn to pay.

My mom made the comment that often times, people who are hurting themselves can be critical of those around them. This gal was so uptight about such a simple thing and yet a two minute conversation with her had brought her to tears.

As she finished paying, she turned around and walked back towards us with her arms open to give us a hug. She still had tears in her eyes as we both hugged her and reassured her that we would pray for her. She thanked us and then headed outside. 

We didn't do anything great. We just listened and sympathized. Sometimes I guess that's all people are looking for is someone with ears to hear and a heart to care. 


KC

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

exactly what i needed

I got a phone call from one of my big brothers this evening. I've got 3 of them. If you've had the chance to spend any time with any one of them, then you know I'm pretty fortunate to have these 3 big brothers in my life and the lives of my family. 

My brother knew I was struggling with a situation. He didn't call to solve the problem for me. He didn't call to give me advice or his opinion. 

He called because he cared about me. 

His purpose in calling me was simply to tell me to sit back and enjoy my evening and not let the craziness of life get in the way.

He cares about me and that was all I needed to hear to handle life again.

Sometimes you can't help solve someone's problem. Sometimes you don't have the best advice for the situation. Sometimes you are at a loss in how to help someone. 

Maybe the best thing you can do is tell them that you care. 
Maybe that's exactly what they need to hear.

I didn't know it when he called, but it turns out that it was exactly what I needed.

KC

Monday, November 23, 2015

my stupid kryptonite

I have a kryptonite. I don't like that there is this part of me that is weak and that can devastate me, but it is who I am and I am learning from it and becoming stronger because of it... I think.

I also don't like the idea of telling you all what my kryptonite is, but I've always been honest and real about myself and chances are one or two or fifteen of you have this same weakness. 

I don't like being hurt. I don't like words that crush my heart. I don't like when people express their dislike for me or something about me without tact. I don't like thoughtless criticism. I am affected deeply by unkind words. 

When I was a child, I would shudder at someone raising their voice in anger, even if it wasn't directed at me!  I have been known, just recently, actually, to stay up till all hours of the night, just thinking through someone's harsh words. I have cried, I have written out my emotions, I have wanted to yell, and I have gotten mighty angry (in my own head, which is not fun because you don't physically get to punch or break things) at the careless words said to me in order to bring me down. 

The people-pleaser in me truly struggles to let it go. These things will haunt me for days. Your words have the power to devastate me.

And I know I'm not the only one.  

But you know what I've learned from all of this? That I don't want to be that person, the one who brings others down with their words. I have learned how to speak with tact and care (although I'm sure my husband might disagree about how often I use both in our "discussions." But he's already committed to loving me, despite my faults. So I'm quite fortunate in that aspect!) I do try to think through all I say and try to hear it from the other person's perspective. I'm still not great at it, but my intentions are good.

And you know what else? I have made it my goal to build others up, not tear them down. Imagine if we walked through our days with the intention of building up the people around us, the people we see everyday? Family, friends, co-workers, but also cashiers, waitresses/waiters, baristas (because those are my everyday people) or even random people in a store! How good would your day be if a random gal walked up and complimented you on your shoes, or even better: your hair?! 

Let's be that gal. Let's be the intentional people. The people who look to build others up. Let's give each other a measure of grace and seek to encourage. 

Meanwhile, if you do decide to use my kryptonite against me,you need to know that I've got a strong husband standing behind me who won't hesitate to back me up and punch you in the nose! Well, maybe he wouldn't go that far... 



KC

Wednesday, November 18, 2015

always a mom

I met with my mom today. We had to talk through the details of Thanksgiving dinner. These are important things! 

However, over a breakfast burrito and coffee at the local bakery, I ended up pouring out my momhood woes once again. That poor mother of mine has had to listen to my heart about raising my kids for the past 10 years! Goodness, what a saint!

I know it's difficult for her to watch me struggle, to see the tears in my eyes, to want to help but not always know how. But she listens and rarely interrupts and at the end of my emotional mess, she always has words of wisdom (even if she doesn't think she does!) And I always leave our times together encouraged and with a new perspective.

I am truly blessed. If she's played any kind of motherly role in your life, then you know you are blessed too.

I don't know who you have in your life who can listen and encourage you like that, but when you find that person, don't let go. Let them know the value that they are in your life. Appreciate them out loud so that they know they are serving a purpose in your life.

My mom is an amazing mother and I am blessed to call her my friend.

I hope that one day my daughter will say the same about me.

KC

(Sappy, I know...and it's not even Mother's Day!)

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

just what I needed

Sometimes life is hard. Sometimes you don't want to talk about it because you are living it and to talk about it means you are dwelling on it even more than you feel like it. So sometimes you just get quiet. 

I've been quiet. Life's exhausting. Just when it feels like one more stinking thing could break me, another thing comes along and I figure out how to stand up underneath it. Not very well, mind you, but God seems to give me just enough strength to keep working through frustrations. 

(Not to worry you, nothing over the top happening in my life - just all the normal frustrations that can wear you down after a while!)

The past couple of weeks He has sent me strength through my husband who keeps showering me with the words I need to hear. 
He's sent me strength through amazing neighbors who totally get me and understand my struggles.
He has sent me strength through my family who is there no matter what to have my back.
And my friends have overwhelmed me with their thoughts of me, not even knowing that I needed what each of them had to give. (Just so you know, this sentence does not give near enough credit to my friends who have said and done so much for me these past couple of weeks!)

So this evening (or rather very early morning), when I could be lost in a pity party, I am instead feeling so grateful for who God has surrounded me with. There were moments when I was brought to tears when someone said or did something that bolstered me. I'm even writing tonight because a friend told me to get back to it! 

He knew exactly what I needed when I needed it. 

You ever have that? When you look around and all the garbage and realize that through it all, He was still providing exactly what you needed?

That God, He's pretty amazing...

KC

Thursday, October 29, 2015

life interrupted

This week was a mess. All of my best laid plans were pretty much flushed down the toilet. Between a couple of unscheduled doctors appointments for Lincoln, a late evening that lead to an emotional bedtime for Jayne, and a day off from the kids (which is valuable time for this mom) which turned into a day with my oldest in tow, everything I was trying to accomplish fell to the wayside.

I've learned something about myself over the past couple of years. I don't really like it when things don't go according to plan. Schedules are planned, goals are set, everything is on the calendar and in the lesson plans and then: BLAM-O!! Life gets interrupted. A kiddo gets sick, an emergency arises, a car breaks down. And life is RUINED!!

Well, maybe not. But it can feel that way! And then the rest of the day/week/month is messed up and how are you going to catch up and how far behind are you going to be and how are you going to breathe?!?! 

We had this a while back when my kids were home sick from school off and on for two weeks. And when my boy ended up with hand, foot, and mouth disease and I ended up sleeping on the floor with him because it was the most comfortable place for him. And again during the great lice scare of 2014. Oh goodness, I don't wish that on anyone! 

And each time it happened, I looked at the week ahead and freaked out. 

And each time it happened, God reminded me of my priority: my family. Everything else could wait. 

And each time it happened, He was there to help me (us) get back on track with life again.

Nowadays when I have a day or two or ten that set me back, I don't freak out...quite as much as I used to. I breathe, I remember my priorities and then I deal with the interruption. 

And then I ask God to give me a bit of a break before the next one comes along! 

He's got this. We might not feel like we do, but He does. And honestly, that's the only way I find an ounce of peace in life's interruptions. 

(And thanks to spellcheck, I now know how to spell "interruption" correctly!)

KC


Thursday, October 22, 2015

ask

This evening I was trying to finish a blog post while lying on my daughter's bedroom floor. She had a stomach ache and a headache and a bit of a dramafest that lead to a small cryfest accompanied by moaning and groaning and all varieties of pitiful sounds. 

Now I don't doubt that all of that was real, but I do struggle with the depth of pity I should actually have for my amazingly over dramatic daughter. (And if you spend some time with her, you probably won't see much of it because she saves most of it for me - yay. #sarcasticfont) 

Long story short: this whole week has been filled with drama pouring from this child. I have done my best to maintain my patience with her, talk her through these catastrophes of life, and just be sensitive to her. However, I do not handle drama very well. I never have. That might have been why I was a tomboy as a teen and why I hate(d) confrontation. 

So tonight, as my patience limits were met and I felt things inside my brain starting to snap, instead of walking away for a few minutes to gain my sanity back (I didn't want her to think that I was deserting her just because she didn't feel well), I stayed on her floor and opened my journaling app and started to write. 

Halfway through the entry, it turned into a conversation with God. 

"Dear God - I hate drama! Why did you give me a daughter who is the complete opposite of what I can handle? I know that you are growing me but I'm not sure I'm able to handle it on top of all of life's other stresses. Can we please just work on one or two of my weaknesses at once instead of SIXTY-FIVE OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME?!?! I'm not currently strong enough to carry it all so here you go: the heaping plate you've given me; it's yours."

I stopped to breathe after that rant and realized that I was breathing easier. The heaviness was lighter. My brain clearer. 

*CLICK!* 
(that's the sound of something "clicking" in my brain in case you were wondering about the random word placed there.)

People!! 

All we have to do is ask! 
Say the words!
Give it up to Him!
And breathe...

Now, I am aware that my problem is not suddenly solved. I still haven't got this kid figured out and my parenting skills are obviously lacking in this arena. 
However, my confidence is a little stronger because I was reminded that it is not all on my back. God has some responsibility in all this child-rearing stuff too. And He is more than willing to help me. 

And the great thing is that it's true in all areas of our life.

We just need to ask. 

KC

Tuesday, October 20, 2015

live

One of my husband's aunts passed away a little over a week ago. She was 70 and had cancer. I considered her my aunt as well because she treated me as nothing less than family from the day I met her. She was a wonderful woman and I loved being in her company. Her no-nonsense attitude always made me smile and she always seemed to have a positive outlook on things. When we visited her in Canada, she was a fantastic hostess, always stuffing us to the gills with food and drink and making sure we were entertained. Her kids quickly adopted me in as one of their cousins and her grandkids made fast friendships with my kiddos. 

So when Aunt Jean passed away, I struggled with the reality of it. Because she was family and how do you deal with family passing away when they live so far away from you? 

This evening I finally allowed myself to deal with reality and watched the 20 minute video of the pictures of her life. 

When you watch the pictures of the people whose lives she was a part of, it becomes reality because suddenly you aren't just looking at memories, but now at empty spaces in those people's lives. Each family member and friend will no longer be creating memories or taking pictures with her. 

And you know what? That sucks. It just plain bites. Because Aunt Jean was wonderful and those people got cheated out of another 20+ years with her. I got cheated out of seeing her smile one more time and enjoying her funny stories and warm hugs and great company. 

Death sucks. 

So live. This became my focus after my Pa died. To create memories. Spend time with those who are important. Let them know you love them. Take chances, risks, do things with people. Build bonds. Live full. Do all I can to live as God has called me: to the fullest, with no regrets. 


And take pictures of it all. Because when you make it up to heaven, those pictures and the memories that go with them will be the glue that holds the rest of us to you until we get to join you. 

Miss you, Aunt Jean
Miss you, Pa

KC

Thursday, October 15, 2015

#truth

 *sigh*
This blog post has needed to be written for over a week now. It's been a struggle for me to start it, let alone finish it. Finally this evening I confessed to my husband how disappointed I was that I wasn't getting it done and all my reasons why. He told me to do it, to just "hang a line" (I think those were his words!) He told me to be honest because that's what people respond to is my honesty.

So here goes.

My confidence is shot. I look around me in every direction and see my failures. They have become so blatantly obvious to me over the past couple of weeks. As a wife, a mother, a teacher, a friend. All I see are the ways in which I could be doing something more or better and all the things I am doing wrong. Self esteem is running low here, folks.

Now don't get me wrong: I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party (this time) and I'm not fishing for compliments by dragging myself down. I think that's the main reason that I didn't want to write about this stupid struggle of mine! 

No, the reason I decided to share (along with the prodding of my husband) is because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one struggling with confidence issues out there. And whichever one of you is feeling like a failure today: you are not alone.

If you had walked into my home this evening, you would have seen a tidy and mostly organized house with dinner on the table, music playing in the background with a candle glowing nearby. A cute little family enjoying dinner together, and everything seemingly great in my life. But inside of me, the turmoil was real. 

There are people around us all the time who seem to have it all together. Cute outfits, great careers, success around every corner, wonderful friendships, fit bodies, adorable children whose hair stays in pigtails, smiles on their faces all the time. But I know that a great number of them are struggling in one way, shape, or form with self esteem, confidence, feelings of failure. 

How do I know? 

Because no one is perfect. Not one.

And you know how else I know? Because there are people in my life who have chosen to share that real side of their lives with me, to let me know that they have struggles too. That means the world to me.

I am not alone. 

You aren't either.


Unfortunately, I cannot leave on such a somber note tonight. So let me tell you this story about my son from yesterday: Linc got a new green light saber while we were visiting Disneyland. He was desperately trying to find it yesterday to play with outside with the neighbor kids. I was trying to teach piano lessons at the time but he was so distraught that he was distracting me from the lesson. So I paused for a minute to ask if he had checked in all of the usual places. Each time I suggested a place he got more and more frustrated until he finally said, "I am literally crying inside my head right now!"

Now, maybe he doesn't have the context correct for the word "literally" but I have to admit: that's a pretty good way to describe how I've felt over the past couple of weeks! 

And let me tell you a little secret: it's at these low points that God brings the best perspectives to light. I cannot tell you how many friends and family He has put in my life over the past couple of weeks who have spoken words of truth and encouragement to me without even knowing how much I needed it. 

So don't lose hope: God still speaking mightily to you. You just have to be listening for Him.



KC




Thursday, October 8, 2015

smiles and southern gospel music

Tonight I went to a small Southern Gospel concert. 
I took my mom. 
It's our thing. 
Something interesting to note about Southern Gospel concerts is that the audience is usually filled with a sea of white hair (in other words, older folks). 

Here's my theory as to why that is:
Southern Gospel music tends to focus on heaven and leaving this world of sadness and misery behind. Older folks have been here a while longer than us young'uns (yes, I am still going to claim to be a young'un) and they have seen all the garbage of this earth and they are ready for this amazing heaven that God has promised us! Southern Gospel music is all about hope and I'm pretty sure every one of us could stand a good, heavy dose of hope. 

I don't have white hair yet (although my daughter is probably going to cause that to happen sooner rather than later) but I'll tell you what: I leave these concerts with my mom and we are in the best of moods. You know why? Because of that heavy dose of hope. Life here on earth is hard, and tiring, and frustrating, and sometimes I just want to crawl up in bed and lose myself in Netflix so I don't have to think about life for a while. But that hope of heaven through Jesus is going to get me through and make me crawl out of bed each day and keep on living.

Now, I didn't actually start writing this particular post with the intention of discussing the benefits of Southern Gospel music (although there are some naysayers who maybe needed to read it and need to quit dogging on the genre - Wooooahhhh...soapbox! Sorry.) But I noticed something at the concert this evening that was really neat and I wanted to share.

First of all, my mom is beautiful. But when I pointed out 4 eligible bachelors to her (in jest) who were all at least 15 years her senior, the giggling and smiling face I saw on her was priceless in its beauty! Seriously, people, my 55 year old mother is gorgeous! (But no, I won't tell you her real age). 
 (Super cute mom of mine, but these are not the eligible bachelors.) 
[Again, totes adorbs mom (that's for the youngerer-than-me generation who understand ridiculous words like "totes adorbs") but also not the edible bachelors. Sorry to disappoint, but I have no pictures of the eligible bachelors. 😔]

So a little later, another lady walked past me and I made eye contact and smiled at her. (Now I'm used to having my smiles ignored for a number of reasons. First of all, people don't expect it and they don't know how to react! I am a frequent smiler - I'm a big fan of smiling. It often takes people by surprise. Second of all, there are a lot of crabby people who forgot how to smile 20 years ago. Thirdly, people often don't recognize me and can't understand why a stranger would smile at them, or maybe they should know me and can't remember and suddenly I've confused them.) Getting back to the lady: she looked at me and immdiately smiled back. Her eyes lit up and she looked 20 years younger.

A little while later the concert was coming to a close and an older gentleman walked by. I purposely caught his eye and gave him a big smile and he did the same right back to me! Do you know how much more attractive people are when they smile?! Even old guys! 

Do the smiling! It makes a difference in lives, people! You are contributing to the beautification of this earth! 


So I guess you got a two-for-one tonight: A preachin' on the benefits of Southern Gospel music and, for those of you who don't care about what type of music I enjoy, a friendly reminder to smile at people. Honestly, those smiles made my night. 

Go make somebody's day: smile at them. Even if it weirds them out a little bit.

KC