parenting really knocks the fear out of you!

Ever since I was a little girl, I just wanted to be a mommy.  In my high school and college years I was stricken with an anxiety disorder, which you can read more about here.  At times it made me feel like I could barely control what was happening in my life and I thought there was no way that I could handle being a parent.  If normal everyday activities were tough for me by myself, how would I ever handle them with a child?!

Fast forward life to being married to a wonderfully understanding man who stood by me at my weakest and encouraged me to be my strongest.  My desire to be a mom came back.  I was still nervous because my anxiety could be debilitating at times.

Fast forward life to 2 kids later and I am the strongest and most confident I have ever been in my life!  Those kids truly knocked the fear out of me.  The idea of dealing with vomiting children scared the living daylights out of me.  I am now a 4 time children's stomach flu survivor.  Driving in the middle lane, let alone the fast lane on the freeway was unheard of.  Now, when we've got to get to the doctor, we hit the fast lane, baby (at appropriate speeds, mind you...)  Going to strange places where I didn't know the "escape route" just didn't really happen.  Now the birthday parties at friend's houses and the field trips and the doctor's offices are a piece of cake! 

Having kids awakened a "mommy survival" mode within me.  There are times when it doesn't matter what my fears are, I will overcome them when it comes to my children.  Although the fear of the stomach bug still haunts me, I will take on that mess because I have to.  It's what this mommy does. 

I am grateful for the healing that God has brought to me both through my supportive husband as well as through those two kiddos of mine.  They have made me (nearly) fearless!  I still don't like heights and I am still extremely claustrophobic.  But if I had to, I'd jump from a tall building or enclose myself in a small space for my children.  But only if I had to...

KC

missing again

Yes, I was missing again for about 5 days!  We went camping. Again.  Honestly, still the best vacation ever!  We went with my family this time.  The cousins had a BLAST together, as usual.  (Although there were a few missing, which always makes me sad, but sometimes nieces and nephews grow up and have to be responsible and stuff.)  Same campground as before (Gold Country Campground - it's about 1.5 hours away) but for a longer period of time.

My kiddos are now old enough (4 and 7) to wander around between our campsites and trailers and I don't have to worry about them as much.  I still had to track them down once in a while if they went a little too far up the hill or didn't come back on their scooters like they said they would.  And if I got caught up in a game of Farkle (yes, that is a real game) or Fast Scrabble (one of my favorites) or Sequence and I didn't see (or hear) the kids for a while, I'd have to get up and go search for them to make sure that I knew where they were.  Sometimes they were in their Uncle and Aunt's trailer or in another Aunt and Uncle's tent.  I'm pretty sure no matter how old they get, I will always want to know where they are.

We had a quick conversation about that this weekend.  Just mentioning how much less stressful it will be when our kids are 18 and out of the house.  I'm pretty sure we all know that this idea of "not worrying about our children" is never really going to happen.  There are some days when I (to be very honest right now) can't wait until my eldest is 18 and is an adult (and I use the term "adult" only in legal terms, not in regards to maturity because those of us who are parents understand that maturity comes when you have children of your own and those of you who are grandparents know that true mature wisdom is greatly received after the kids are grown!)  But even as I mutter those words in my mind, I know that I will NEVER stop worrying about my children.  There will always be something to worry about. 

So we might joke about our children turning 18 when we are having an especially difficult day with them.  But we know that day will come too soon when they will be going off to college or getting married or moving to another state.  We will miss the days when the toughest part of our day was a child refusing to eat their dinner or cleaning up an accident on the floor or dealing with a tantrum in the store over a $3 toy.  Because when they grow up, then they face real life.  That's when their decisions affect their future.  That's when the real worrying begins and we, as parents, hope our life lessons that we started at such a young age in our children begin to pay off.

So, just to get you back in the mind frame of today (so that you don't get too worried about the future), what is something that happened today that made you enjoy your children or your family?  And isn't it nice to know that no matter how old we get, we still have a heavenly Father keeping an eye on us?

Here was my "enjoyment" for the weekend:

L deciding just how wet he wants to get at the water park.

J jumping for joy because her cousin finally decided to get wet!

My little boy is being taught how to fish by my big boy.

Hot dogs, of course.

Cousins playing.  Love when I can capture these moments!

Little girl fishing for the first time - Daddy taught her well!

My view at the lake.

Cousins heading out to fish.

We had a fantastic weekend, but it's nice to be clean again!
KC

but God does

I've learned a lot of truths from many amazing people whom God has allowed to speak into my life.  A little tidbit came to mind this evening and I just thought I'd share it.

Sometimes garbage happens to us.  This world can just keep hurling its trash at us and bogging us down.  It could be sickness.  It could be depression. It could be hurtful people.  Or maybe loss of income.  Or death.  Or it could be just having a bad day, week, month.  Whatever it is, it stinks.

What is the purpose of it all?  All the bad stuff that clogs our life? Sometimes it is obvious: God is teaching us patience.  He wants us to rely on Him more.  He's using us to speak to other people.

Sometimes it's not so obvious.  That's when it's the worst.  That's where this little tidbit comes in.  One of my brothers told me this: sometimes we don't see the purpose, but that doesn't mean that God doesn't have a purpose.  For the rest of my life I might not understand the purpose of some of the great sadness I have endured.  I might not understand why I went through extremely difficult periods of anxiety in my life.  In this life, I might not know.  But God does.

God's got this whole life of mine figured out.  He knows where's it's been and where it's going.  I don't always have to understand or know, but God does.  That, for me, gives me security in this crazy life I live.

KC

pa's hands

Father's Day around our house is about my husband and the Dad he is to my kids.  He's an incredible dad.  He stepped up to the plate when our daughter was born and has been playing his heart out ever since.  Sometimes I get a little jealous because I think maybe he's grown more as a dad than I have as a mom, although I know he doesn't think so.  I am often surprised and impressed at his "daddy" abilities.  He accomplishes things that I can't get done as a mom.  When I walk away frustrated, he steps in calmly and handles the matter without smoke coming out of his ears.

I will admit, however, that I do feel a bit gypped on Father's Day.  I can remember my Dad, his legacy, and how awesome our relationship was.  But I don't get to tell him anymore.  In a selfish way, that kind of sucks. 

 

I was thinking of this poem that I wrote a couple of years back about my Dad.  It's supposed to be song lyrics, but I haven't yet found the melody.  Or maybe I'm not ready to put it to music.  As I reread it, I didn't read/remember too deeply for fear the inevitable tears would come. 

PA'S HANDS

He went 64 to 85

In just 9 months

His hair turned white, he walked real slow

We kinda had a hunch...

He wasn't at that ripe old age

We hoped we'd see

But he was as much a husband and a dad

That he could be

But through it all

There was one thing that never changed

His big ol' hands, the most wonderful hands

They stayed the same

As a little girl I always liked to hold

My Daddy's hand

Even at 28 I was proud to hold

The hand of that man

When my Pa died, he was an old man

On the outside

But up in heaven receiving his crown

Now he was the child

Now he holds the hand

Of his loving heavenly Father

While I've been given the hands to hold

Of a son and daughter

Sometimes I dream that he's still here

Just as he was

Every now and again I see bits of him

In what my son does

Now he holds the hand

Of his loving heavenly Father

I hope my children can see glimpses of him

In his daughter

 

KC

music, exercise, and the beenes (i know it doesn't make sense as a title but just read on...)

I didn't get a blog done last night.  I was at a concert!  It was fantastic, as usual - two friends of mine from Tennessee who can sing and minister to me like no one else were performing in a small church in Ceres.  They sang from their hearts, shared tear rendering testimonies, and touched my heart as both a child of God and as a parent.  The changes these two have been through in the past couple of years of their lives is just amazing!

Okay, so right here it's going to seem like I'm going on a tangent, and I sort of am, but just stick with me: it's worth it.

Many of you know that I recently started doing CrossFit.  If you don't know what that is, feel free to type it in to the web and prepared to be amazed by the amount of info/videos you will find.  Short version: it's an intense exercise regime performed with a group.  If you try it just a couple of times, you will most likely be able to figure out why so many people are joining CrossFit.  I have found it addicting and completely amazing, and this is coming from a gal who has not enjoyed exercise her entire life! 

And back to the first paragraph...

The concert I attended was Brandon and Chrysta Beene.  They have been performing Southern Gospel and Inspirational Music for many years.  Big venues and small (I'd estimate less than 75 people at last night's concert). If you click here, you will be taken to a page that has a small bio, a schedule of their events, and a completely out of date picture of Brandon and Chrysta.  You see, Brandon and Chrysta each decided to change their lives when they chose to exercise regularly (CrossFit) and eat cleaner/healthier.  They look nothing like the picture on that page!  On their facebook page you can see the changes already - amazing! But if you really want to be impressed, check out this page!  This is Chrysta's story - this is what motivates me to continue.  This is what motivates me to tell other people about Crossfit because why would I want to hold back on something that could drastically change their lives.  Chrysta is living proof! 

This morning I had the opportunity to meet Chrysta at CrossFit Ripon (yay - official real name!).  For those of you who were there to work out with us, you could just tell she was inspirational, even if you didn't know her story, right?  We did an impossible workout.  But you'll notice that I said we did.  Because what seemed impossible when we looked it up last night was completed this morning by 9:00.  We did it.  And there's nothing like that feeling of accomplishment!

For those of you who could care less about CrossFit (I know, it's so popular and everyone's talking about it and you're just sick of hearing about it!), I understand.  I didn't care until I started.  It looked impossible until I started.  But you know what I decided to do?  Start.  (That suddenly seems like a pretty powerful word, doesn't it?!)

You need to do something life changing?  Is there something you've been wanting to do?  Start. 

KC

(If you noticed on their schedule, Brandon and Chrysta will be performing tomorrow (Sunday) evening in Escalon at First Baptist Church at 6:00 pm. - it will be awesome, I promise!)

sleeping children

I just peeked in on my sleeping children.  I do it every night.  They are very peaceful.  They look like angels.  All of today's garbage is gone.  All the bickering, fighting, rudeness, and disrespect is over and there is peace.  I think I go check on them more for myself and my sanity than to see if they are okay.  Because every night I am reminded that I should love them no matter what.  Today is over and we start fresh tomorrow.

You know, God never sleeps.  You think maybe he likes to use all His time awake to check on us all around the world while we are sleeping?  To remind himself that when we're not getting ourselves into a world of trouble, we're pretty neat?  To give himself a break from the chaos we create?

Nah.  He already knows we are a mess and chose to love us unconditionally anyway.  He doesn't need a break from us.  I think he lets us sleep because we need a break from ourselves!

Speaking of which, I'm going to bed.  It's been a LONG day.  :)

KC

Vacation Bible School - V--B--YES!

My kids have been at VBS all week (for those of you who are not familiar with VBS, it stands for Vacation Bible School - kids go to the local churches for a week of mornings learning more about Jesus and who He wants them to be).  They love it!  And I will admit that I love it too.  Five mornings of no bickering is what I imagine heaven to be like. *sigh*

But you know what I like even better than the peace and quiet?  My kids are at a place where God is exciting.  Learning His truth is a fun thing.  I want my kids to think that God is awesome!!  Yes, sometimes learning about the Bible is hard work: we memorize, sometimes the scriptures are boring, doing the right thing is often difficult, and do we have to pray before every meal?!

But at VBS, learning about God is great - He's pretty cool.  And those Christian teenagers?  They're pretty cool, too.  And the lady leading the songs with the motions?  She's awesome!  And the snacks and the crafts and the games?  LOVE it all.

So maybe, just maybe, church isn't so bad after all...

KC

just gotta clean

You ever get so overwhelmed that you just have to clean? Okay, so that might just be a quirk of mine. Sometimes when my life seems a bit out of control, and I just have too many going on at once, I find one room in my house that needs some straightening up (most of the rooms need it, I just find one) and I get to work making it clean. You know why? Because it is the one thing I can get into order and make "sane" when everything else isn't.

The crazy thing is that nothing else changes. All the other stresses are there and waiting to be handled. The only thing I've accomplished is one clean room! But that one room sets my mind in the right direction: the direction of accomplishment. If I can handle a messy room and make it in order, then I can tackle the next thing and get it accomplished also.

I think there's a message somewhere in there... Here's my thinking: when all else in life seems crazy, busy, out of control, overwhelming, I can handle it all if I have myself in order with God. Because once I do the first task of putting Him in charge, all else is manageable. (I knew there was a message in there somewhere; God is good that way!)

Well, that was a quick one, but a good one, I think.  Now to get started on tomorrow (but maybe some sleep first).

be careful little ears

Those of you who know me pretty well know that music is very important to me. It's a gift that my parents gave me through the school I attended, the music in our church, and the piano lessons...years of lessons.  Here in our home, our lives are saturated with it . 

One thing I discovered, because of how much we listen to music, is how amazing my kids' memories were (and are). They picked up the lyrics to songs very quickly. I will openly admit that one of my downfalls is that I like (almost) all kinds of music and have not always been so cautious about what plays in our home. Now, I am a bit more cautious because there are certain lyrics you just don't want to hear coming out of a 4 year old's mouth. And even more importantly, those words should not be going into their heart.

A friend of mine had a convicting conversation with me (and she didn't even know it - she is so sweet!) She discussed how her children would not recognize any secular songs because the have only heard KLOVE and AIR 1.  She herself wouldn't even recognize any because that's all she listened to also.

Wow! Talk about conviction. And again, she'll probably read this and feel bad knowing it was her, but I am grateful for those words!  For now, I am so much more cautious about what my children hear.  We listen to Christian music (and let me tell you, when your 4 year old songs the lyrics of worship songs in the back of your car, it's hard not to want to cry) but we also listen to swing, surf rock, Disney songs, golden oldies, classical music, and my son likes a bit of techno because then he can do his robot moves.

A long time ago, my mom told me something that really stuck. She said I should be careful what books I read because every word went in through my eyes, into my mind, as well as into my heart. I feel the same about music. It goes in through my ears but ends up in my heart. She said to be careful because out of the mouth overflows the heart (that's scripture talk - Luke 6:45). In other words, what I store in my heart may someday come out of my mouth. 

Here's my mental image: picture me as an 80 something year old lady in my wheel chair, suffering from some kind of dementia (it could happen!) Do I really want the words coming out of my mouth to be lyrics from any of today's top performers? There's not a lot of clean stuff coming out of their mouths!  I'd rather have songs of praise or hymns or "some good ol' gospel tunes" coming out of this little old lady mouth.











There's a song my son learned in Preschool this year and one of the verses goes like this: "Oh be careful, little ears what you hear, because the Father up above is looking down in love. Oh be careful little ears what you hear." My job is to guard their hearts. But I can't forget that my responsibility is also to guard my own heart.

KC