life interrupted

This week was a mess. All of my best laid plans were pretty much flushed down the toilet. Between a couple of unscheduled doctors appointments for Lincoln, a late evening that lead to an emotional bedtime for Jayne, and a day off from the kids (which is valuable time for this mom) which turned into a day with my oldest in tow, everything I was trying to accomplish fell to the wayside.

I've learned something about myself over the past couple of years. I don't really like it when things don't go according to plan. Schedules are planned, goals are set, everything is on the calendar and in the lesson plans and then: BLAM-O!! Life gets interrupted. A kiddo gets sick, an emergency arises, a car breaks down. And life is RUINED!!

Well, maybe not. But it can feel that way! And then the rest of the day/week/month is messed up and how are you going to catch up and how far behind are you going to be and how are you going to breathe?!?! 

We had this a while back when my kids were home sick from school off and on for two weeks. And when my boy ended up with hand, foot, and mouth disease and I ended up sleeping on the floor with him because it was the most comfortable place for him. And again during the great lice scare of 2014. Oh goodness, I don't wish that on anyone! 

And each time it happened, I looked at the week ahead and freaked out. 

And each time it happened, God reminded me of my priority: my family. Everything else could wait. 

And each time it happened, He was there to help me (us) get back on track with life again.

Nowadays when I have a day or two or ten that set me back, I don't freak out...quite as much as I used to. I breathe, I remember my priorities and then I deal with the interruption. 

And then I ask God to give me a bit of a break before the next one comes along! 

He's got this. We might not feel like we do, but He does. And honestly, that's the only way I find an ounce of peace in life's interruptions. 

(And thanks to spellcheck, I now know how to spell "interruption" correctly!)

KC

ask

This evening I was trying to finish a blog post while lying on my daughter's bedroom floor. She had a stomach ache and a headache and a bit of a dramafest that lead to a small cryfest accompanied by moaning and groaning and all varieties of pitiful sounds. 

Now I don't doubt that all of that was real, but I do struggle with the depth of pity I should actually have for my amazingly over dramatic daughter. (And if you spend some time with her, you probably won't see much of it because she saves most of it for me - yay. #sarcasticfont) 

Long story short: this whole week has been filled with drama pouring from this child. I have done my best to maintain my patience with her, talk her through these catastrophes of life, and just be sensitive to her. However, I do not handle drama very well. I never have. That might have been why I was a tomboy as a teen and why I hate(d) confrontation. 

So tonight, as my patience limits were met and I felt things inside my brain starting to snap, instead of walking away for a few minutes to gain my sanity back (I didn't want her to think that I was deserting her just because she didn't feel well), I stayed on her floor and opened my journaling app and started to write. 

Halfway through the entry, it turned into a conversation with God. 

"Dear God - I hate drama! Why did you give me a daughter who is the complete opposite of what I can handle? I know that you are growing me but I'm not sure I'm able to handle it on top of all of life's other stresses. Can we please just work on one or two of my weaknesses at once instead of SIXTY-FIVE OF THEM AT THE SAME TIME?!?! I'm not currently strong enough to carry it all so here you go: the heaping plate you've given me; it's yours."

I stopped to breathe after that rant and realized that I was breathing easier. The heaviness was lighter. My brain clearer. 

*CLICK!* 

(that's the sound of something "clicking" in my brain in case you were wondering about the random word placed there.)

People!! 

All we have to do is ask! 

Say the words!

Give it up to Him!

And breathe...

Now, I am aware that my problem is not suddenly solved. I still haven't got this kid figured out and my parenting skills are obviously lacking in this arena. 

However, my confidence is a little stronger because I was reminded that it is not all on my back. God has some responsibility in all this child-rearing stuff too. And He is more than willing to help me. 

And the great thing is that it's true in all areas of our life.

We just need to ask. 

KC

live

One of my husband's aunts passed away a little over a week ago. She was 70 and had cancer. I considered her my aunt as well because she treated me as nothing less than family from the day I met her. She was a wonderful woman and I loved being in her company. Her no-nonsense attitude always made me smile and she always seemed to have a positive outlook on things. When we visited her in Canada, she was a fantastic hostess, always stuffing us to the gills with food and drink and making sure we were entertained. Her kids quickly adopted me in as one of their cousins and her grandkids made fast friendships with my kiddos. 

So when Aunt Jean passed away, I struggled with the reality of it. Because she was family and how do you deal with family passing away when they live so far away from you? 

This evening I finally allowed myself to deal with reality and watched the 20 minute video of the pictures of her life. 

When you watch the pictures of the people whose lives she was a part of, it becomes reality because suddenly you aren't just looking at memories, but now at empty spaces in those people's lives. Each family member and friend will no longer be creating memories or taking pictures with her. 

And you know what? That sucks. It just plain bites. Because Aunt Jean was wonderful and those people got cheated out of another 20+ years with her. I got cheated out of seeing her smile one more time and enjoying her funny stories and warm hugs and great company. 

Death sucks. 

So live. This became my focus after my Pa died. To create memories. Spend time with those who are important. Let them know you love them. Take chances, risks, do things with people. Build bonds. Live full. Do all I can to live as God has called me: to the fullest, with no regrets. 

And take pictures of it all. Because when you make it up to heaven, those pictures and the memories that go with them will be the glue that holds the rest of us to you until we get to join you. 

Miss you, Aunt Jean

Miss you, Pa

KC

#truth

 *sigh*

This blog post has needed to be written for over a week now. It's been a struggle for me to start it, let alone finish it. Finally this evening I confessed to my husband how disappointed I was that I wasn't getting it done and all my reasons why. He told me to do it, to just "hang a line" (I think those were his words!) He told me to be honest because that's what people respond to is my honesty.

So here goes.

My confidence is shot. I look around me in every direction and see my failures. They have become so blatantly obvious to me over the past couple of weeks. As a wife, a mother, a teacher, a friend. All I see are the ways in which I could be doing something more or better and all the things I am doing wrong. Self esteem is running low here, folks.

Now don't get me wrong: I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party (this time) and I'm not fishing for compliments by dragging myself down. I think that's the main reason that I didn't want to write about this stupid struggle of mine! 

No, the reason I decided to share (along with the prodding of my husband) is because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one struggling with confidence issues out there. And whichever one of you is feeling like a failure today: you are not alone.

If you had walked into my home this evening, you would have seen a tidy and mostly organized house with dinner on the table, music playing in the background with a candle glowing nearby. A cute little family enjoying dinner together, and everything seemingly great in my life. But inside of me, the turmoil was real. 

There are people around us all the time who seem to have it all together. Cute outfits, great careers, success around every corner, wonderful friendships, fit bodies, adorable children whose hair stays in pigtails, smiles on their faces all the time. But I know that a great number of them are struggling in one way, shape, or form with self esteem, confidence, feelings of failure. 

How do I know? 

Because no one is perfect. Not one.

And you know how else I know? Because there are people in my life who have chosen to share that real side of their lives with me, to let me know that they have struggles too. That means the world to me.

I am not alone. 

You aren't either.

Unfortunately, I cannot leave on such a somber note tonight. So let me tell you this story about my son from yesterday: Linc got a new green light saber while we were visiting Disneyland. He was desperately trying to find it yesterday to play with outside with the neighbor kids. I was trying to teach piano lessons at the time but he was so distraught that he was distracting me from the lesson. So I paused for a minute to ask if he had checked in all of the usual places. Each time I suggested a place he got more and more frustrated until he finally said, "I am literally crying inside my head right now!"

Now, maybe he doesn't have the context correct for the word "literally" but I have to admit: that's a pretty good way to describe how I've felt over the past couple of weeks! 

And let me tell you a little secret: it's at these low points that God brings the best perspectives to light. I cannot tell you how many friends and family He has put in my life over the past couple of weeks who have spoken words of truth and encouragement to me without even knowing how much I needed it. 

So don't lose hope: God still speaking mightily to you. You just have to be listening for Him.

KC

smiles and southern gospel music

Tonight I went to a small Southern Gospel concert. 

I took my mom. 

It's our thing. 

Something interesting to note about Southern Gospel concerts is that the audience is usually filled with a sea of white hair (in other words, older folks). 

Here's my theory as to why that is:

Southern Gospel music tends to focus on heaven and leaving this world of sadness and misery behind. Older folks have been here a while longer than us young'uns (yes, I am still going to claim to be a young'un) and they have seen all the garbage of this earth and they are ready for this amazing heaven that God has promised us! Southern Gospel music is all about hope and I'm pretty sure every one of us could stand a good, heavy dose of hope. 

I don't have white hair yet (although my daughter is probably going to cause that to happen sooner rather than later) but I'll tell you what: I leave these concerts with my mom and we are in the best of moods. You know why? Because of that heavy dose of hope. Life here on earth is hard, and tiring, and frustrating, and sometimes I just want to crawl up in bed and lose myself in Netflix so I don't have to think about life for a while. But that hope of heaven through Jesus is going to get me through and make me crawl out of bed each day and keep on living.

Now, I didn't actually start writing this particular post with the intention of discussing the benefits of Southern Gospel music (although there are some naysayers who maybe needed to read it and need to quit dogging on the genre - Wooooahhhh...soapbox! Sorry.) But I noticed something at the concert this evening that was really neat and I wanted to share.

First of all, my mom is beautiful. But when I pointed out 4 eligible bachelors to her (in jest) who were all at least 15 years her senior, the giggling and smiling face I saw on her was priceless in its beauty! Seriously, people, my 55 year old mother is gorgeous! (But no, I won't tell you her real age). 

 (Super cute mom of mine, but these are not the eligible bachelors.) 

[Again, totes adorbs mom (that's for the youngerer-than-me generation who understand ridiculous words like "totes adorbs") but also not the edible bachelors. Sorry to disappoint, but I have no pictures of the eligible bachelors. 😔]

So a little later, another lady walked past me and I made eye contact and smiled at her. (Now I'm used to having my smiles ignored for a number of reasons. First of all, people don't expect it and they don't know how to react! I am a frequent smiler - I'm a big fan of smiling. It often takes people by surprise. Second of all, there are a lot of crabby people who forgot how to smile 20 years ago. Thirdly, people often don't recognize me and can't understand why a stranger would smile at them, or maybe they should know me and can't remember and suddenly I've confused them.) Getting back to the lady: she looked at me and immdiately smiled back. Her eyes lit up and she looked 20 years younger.

A little while later the concert was coming to a close and an older gentleman walked by. I purposely caught his eye and gave him a big smile and he did the same right back to me! Do you know how much more attractive people are when they smile?! Even old guys! 

Do the smiling! It makes a difference in lives, people! You are contributing to the beautification of this earth! 

So I guess you got a two-for-one tonight: A preachin' on the benefits of Southern Gospel music and, for those of you who don't care about what type of music I enjoy, a friendly reminder to smile at people. Honestly, those smiles made my night. 

Go make somebody's day: smile at them. Even if it weirds them out a little bit.

KC

home again

We got home from a 12 day vacation yesterday. The rest of my family was ready for it; ready to be in their own beds, snuggling with their pets, playing with the neighbor kids... (We made plans to be with the neighbors tonight and tomorrow evening, as a matter of fact, because we just like them that much!) But as we got closer to home, I could feel myself getting more and more bummed out. Finally, my husband glanced over at me and asked what was wrong. 

I let out a sigh and started listing all the things that awaited me at home. 

A trailer that needs unpacking.

75 loads of laundry.

Cooking full time again.

A house that does not automatically clean itself and is about 20 times larger than my little trailer.

Homeschooling 2 children who like to complain about every subject. EVERY SUBJECT. 

Teaching piano 4 afternoons in a row (which I truly enjoy but it does exhaust me after homeschooling the first half of the day!)

Grocery shopping. I hate grocery shopping.

To-do lists. I like lists. I do not like to-do lists. Especially when the stuff I have to-do is no fun.

Exercising. Eating healthy. (After eating at a bunch of our favorite restaurants and having no time to exercise, my body has let me know I need to get back to working out regularly again, even if only for 20 minutes here and there.)

Add in my desire to maintain a social life, get my writing back on track, and the 29 other interests that I dabble in, "crazy busy" begins the minute I step back into my house. 

So going back home meant that I had to turn this brain back on to full blast, working at its max. 

But once I got home and got to work, I realized once again that my attitude is greatly influenced by my perspective. 

I have a trailer to unpack from a great family vacation!

Doing laundry has become somewhat of a competition with myself to see if I can get it done in less than 24 hours. 

Homeschooling needs to be more enjoyable for all of us - time to work on that! 

Teaching piano? I am so grateful for the parents who deem me worthy to teach their children about the amazing world of music!

Grocery shopping - I still hate grocery shopping. 😝

And the "crazy busy" side of life makes my life full! I can't wait to see my hometown friends again and to be blogging here regularly again and feel better about myself through what I eat and through exercise - these are all blessings!

So the bad mood quickly disappeared once I decided to see the value of what God had placed in my life. He's always faithful to help me focus on the good, if I would just remember to ask Him regularly.

The laundry is done for the week.

The trailer is empty (with a little help from the family).

I did a bit of grocery shopping - ew.

And here I am writing for my favorite people. 

Life is good, thanks to "perspective."

KC