#truth

 *sigh*

This blog post has needed to be written for over a week now. It's been a struggle for me to start it, let alone finish it. Finally this evening I confessed to my husband how disappointed I was that I wasn't getting it done and all my reasons why. He told me to do it, to just "hang a line" (I think those were his words!) He told me to be honest because that's what people respond to is my honesty.

So here goes.

My confidence is shot. I look around me in every direction and see my failures. They have become so blatantly obvious to me over the past couple of weeks. As a wife, a mother, a teacher, a friend. All I see are the ways in which I could be doing something more or better and all the things I am doing wrong. Self esteem is running low here, folks.

Now don't get me wrong: I'm not trying to throw myself a pity party (this time) and I'm not fishing for compliments by dragging myself down. I think that's the main reason that I didn't want to write about this stupid struggle of mine! 

No, the reason I decided to share (along with the prodding of my husband) is because I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one struggling with confidence issues out there. And whichever one of you is feeling like a failure today: you are not alone.

If you had walked into my home this evening, you would have seen a tidy and mostly organized house with dinner on the table, music playing in the background with a candle glowing nearby. A cute little family enjoying dinner together, and everything seemingly great in my life. But inside of me, the turmoil was real. 

There are people around us all the time who seem to have it all together. Cute outfits, great careers, success around every corner, wonderful friendships, fit bodies, adorable children whose hair stays in pigtails, smiles on their faces all the time. But I know that a great number of them are struggling in one way, shape, or form with self esteem, confidence, feelings of failure. 

How do I know? 

Because no one is perfect. Not one.

And you know how else I know? Because there are people in my life who have chosen to share that real side of their lives with me, to let me know that they have struggles too. That means the world to me.

I am not alone. 

You aren't either.

Unfortunately, I cannot leave on such a somber note tonight. So let me tell you this story about my son from yesterday: Linc got a new green light saber while we were visiting Disneyland. He was desperately trying to find it yesterday to play with outside with the neighbor kids. I was trying to teach piano lessons at the time but he was so distraught that he was distracting me from the lesson. So I paused for a minute to ask if he had checked in all of the usual places. Each time I suggested a place he got more and more frustrated until he finally said, "I am literally crying inside my head right now!"

Now, maybe he doesn't have the context correct for the word "literally" but I have to admit: that's a pretty good way to describe how I've felt over the past couple of weeks! 

And let me tell you a little secret: it's at these low points that God brings the best perspectives to light. I cannot tell you how many friends and family He has put in my life over the past couple of weeks who have spoken words of truth and encouragement to me without even knowing how much I needed it. 

So don't lose hope: God still speaking mightily to you. You just have to be listening for Him.

KC