Thursday, March 26, 2015

parenting is a joy and a blessing except when it's not

So here is a bit of me being real and open with you:

Being a mom can really suck.

(And writing that piece of honesty out brought tears to my eyes.)

I know that a statement like that has the potential to bring a ton of judgment to my plate. But I am willing to face your criticism for those moms who will read this and completely agree. For the moms who will read this a give a big sigh of relief because they are not the only ones who face that feeling.

Please understand one thing: I wouldn't change my life. I would not take back being a mom no matter what was offered to me. I love my children with a fierceness that is so strong, I'd give my very life for them. I know I'm not the only one.

But that doesn't change the fact that being a mom can really suck.

I always wanted to be a mommy. That was my only goal in life. Well getting married first, then mommyhood. Adorable little baby giggles, toothy smiles, snuggles, raising a family of obedient, respectful little blondies.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!! 

I was seriously laughing as I wrote all of that out because now that I've had kids, that is all just ridiculous! Not that those things can't be a part of being a mom, but there is SO much more to it and SO much of it is not cute, sweet, adorable, or even enjoyable! 

Now, I'm not just talking about the hardwork, the gross stuff, the mandatory organization to keep the family functioning. I'm not even talking about the self-sacrificing or selflessness that moms have to do and become. Sorry, that's just part of being a mom.

I'm talking about the struggle of raising a child who fights me about nearly everything pretty much everyday. The words that cut deep and hurt. The joy that is constantly being robbed because of the attitude exuded from a child. The sobbing that comes from frustration and discouragement. The self-doubt of my capabilities as a mom. The fear that I will fail as a mom and my children will choose life directions that lead them away from the Lord. 

My struggle is in raising a child with a strong will. But there are moms who are raising children who are medically fragile. Others who are raising autistic children. Emotional disabilities, mental disabilities, special needs. Defiant, rebellious, obstinate.... 

And most of us wouldn't change a thing about where our lives are today, about who these amazing children are that we are raising. We are changed people. We are strong. We are better people because God placed these children in our lives.

BUT some days, and maybe even most days, being a mom can really suck.

KC


sunday drivers on thursday

Have you ever noticed how you always get stuck behind the slowest cars when you are in the biggest hurry? I think God allows that to happen on purpose! He puts those cute little Sunday drivers (even on Thursday mornings) right in front of you just to see if you'll scream!

This morning, after promising my kids that we could do school at McDonald's (because homeschool HAS to get out of the house once in a while), the morning rapidly went downhill. I had a hair mishap which had me in the shower washing my hair, which meant I had to leave the house with a wet head. I rarely leave the house with wet hair because I don't favor the "drowned rat" look on myself. Drowned rat = irritated.  I was hungry and had not had even a single ounce of caffeine yet (which meant I was functioning at half speed). I had something on my mind (which had been there for the past few days just bugging me) and that made me even more irritated. We were under a time constraint because we had to be back in time for the kids to get picked up for gymnastics. And I forgot to put deoderant on.

(Can't you just feel my mood at this point?!)

Now McDonald's is not very far from my house. Nothing in this town is very far from my house. Maybe a little over 5 minutes. But on the way there I got stuck behind not one, but TWO Sunday drivers!! (If you don't know what Sunday drivers are, let me help you out: in this small town, the stores, restaurants, and streets used to close down on Sunday. On Sunday mornings after church, people took their sweet beppy time getting home because THERE WAS NOTHING TO DO!!) Back to this morning: because I was stuck behind a little Sunday driver, I missed not one, but TWO green lights! Which is really hard to do because we don't have many lights in our town. And half of them are useless. I think it took us double the time to get to McDonald's this morning - 10 whole minutes!

I know it's a simple and somewhat silly example, but I think this situation is indicative of bigger things in our lives. We have so much pressure put upon us, as parents, spouses, children, community members, being employees or employers, volunteers (or someone like me who just struggles to say no to people), that it sometimes feels like we could explode! And then, at that point something more gets put on our backs and we wobble beneath the weight of it all. 

But let me share with you the picture I see when this happens:

I do a little weightlifting. Yes, skinny little me, I lift decent amounts of weight for my size. It's a funny mental image, picturing me with a barbell slung over my back to squat or me holding it above my head in a press of some kind, but I do it, well, because I can. Sometimes, I will lift to see what my maximum amount of weight is for a particular lift. For example, a deadlift (which in simplified terms is picking up a weighted barbell from the ground to a standing position, using correct form, mind you!) In order to find my max weight, I start with a manageable amount. And I continue to add a little each time I lift until I feel I can no longer lift without losing my correct form. (For those who worry about me doing such crazy things, I do this under the watchful eye of my trainer, my husband). At the end of this process, I am usually amazed at how strong I have become, as well as the amount of weight I can handle!

(Do you see where I'm going with this?!)

Life, my friends, will always pile up on us. Sometimes it is for a season. Sometimes it feels like it might last your entire life. But it is making you stronger. When you go through the heavy stuff and emerge a stronger person, you now have the gift of knowing just how much you can handle. So when you get thrust into another heavy part of life, you can look back and see how strong you were last time and KNOW that you will come out again, stronger and more amazing on the other side.

That God of ours, He's pretty smart. 
He knows how to grow us. 
He knows our limits. 
AND He's right next to us to help us carrying the weight when it seems like it's too heavy.

But I still hope I don't get stuck behind any Sunday drivers tomorrow.


KC


Monday, March 16, 2015

stuff and things

I like things. And there is stuff all over my house. Most of the stuff and things are reflections of my family and me. This quilt across my lap is the first one I ever made, created for my husband, who was my fiancée at the time. The coffee table that my feet are sitting on was a project that has been painted and sanded and turned into a piece of shabby chic gorgeousness. My family pictures were taken by my dear friend, Sheroba and are on display in a couple of vintage frames above the fireplace. My piano was a housewarming gift from my parents when my husband and I moved into our first home. Personal touches are everywhere. 

But stuff is just that: stuff. 

A while back I realized that my life should not be so consumed with all that I have, or don't have, or want to have. And that there are far more important investments to be made.

My focus has shifted to creating memories. With my husband, my friends, and especially my kids. This means saying yes to more adventures and play dates, and a busier schedule. But it is so worth it. Watching my kids climb over rocks in the river, bike rides to get a snack at the local gas station, frisbee at the park, dancing in the family room to loud music, camping trips, creating science messes in the kitchen with baking soda and vinegar - these are the things that I hope will stick in my kids' minds as fond memories with Mom. 

Which brings me to another investment: relationships, which also take time. Relationships with God, my family, friends. Let me just tell you about my friends: they make me laugh. They build me up when I am at my lowest. I can cry with them, share my heart with them, and not be judged for my imperfections by them. We go to the movies, we sit in each other's family rooms, we text, and send each other silly pictures of each other. 

I won't deny that I still enjoy a great looking pair of shoes and a sound system that has amazing bass. And the Bath and Body hand soaps are my favorite! 

But when I'm old and wrinkly, I want to keep my memories and the people who I created them with close by me. 

KC

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

a dumb request

A long time ago, before I knew better, I made the choice to ask God for patience. I thought it was a good idea at the time, a virtue that God would want me to have.

That might have been a mistake.

Fast forward from high school to getting married and having children and that virtue I had asked for really started to form. First of all, it took over a year to get pregnant. That was emotionally distressing all on its own. Then, I don't care who you are, if you carry a baby in your body for 9 months, you are learning patience. As cute as that bump was to start out with, by then end of my pregnancies, I was more than happy to say good-bye to the huge basketball-shaped belly. 

And then babies turn into toddlers, who take forever to potty train. Then they become little tykes who need constant training in everything over and over and over again. Then onto school-aged children who have homework!! 

And then, if you're lucky like me, and you get that amazingly challenging strong-willed kiddo who has the determination of a bull (bulls are determined creatures, right?), then you are not only going to get that patience virtue, but also long-suffering! You should see me when she's picking out a brand new pair of shoes (insert exaggerated eye roll here)!

Oh friends, don't make the same choice that I did: requesting patience. Because you might find out that it comes with some side effects such as learning to be content in any and all circumstances. You might find yourself with a better attitude than many folks around you. Your longer fuse could end up saving you in an argument, keeping hurtful words to yourself. You might find yourself being more selfless, thoughtful, and even considerate.

All I'm saying is that you shouldn't ask for patience unless you really want it, because God has some crazy ways of creating it within you. 

But if you have kids, then I'm sorry to say that you are already well on your way! 


KC

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

a kind word

I've read this in a few different places: for every negative comment that a person hears, they need 10 positive comments to build them back up to where they were. 

Wow.
Let that sink in.

You know where that hits home?
At home.

At home.
That's where the people are that I take for granted.
That's where the family lives whom I just assume know how much I love them and I assume they know how wonderful I think they are.
That's where my irritation and frustration are exposed in the words I say.
That's where emotions and words aren't always kept in check.
That's where examples are set.
That's where there is a greater need for the positive. 

1 negative = 10 positive comments
3 negative = 30 positive comments
5 negative = 50 positive comments

Time to bring the positive into focus. 
Time to make sure I am intentional about the words coming out of my mouth.
And not just at home.
Because chances are someone else I know and care about, a friend or child or family member, needs a good word.
Time to make positive words a daily part of my life.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one...

KC

PS: a kind word for you:



Tuesday, March 3, 2015

i am who i am because of yesterday

From early on in my life God decided that I was not the kid who was going to have a life without troubles. My parents and brothers were great - I had (and still have) a fantastic family, so I can't blame them for my struggles growing up. I guess we are all just born with weaknesses and some of us get to experience them head-on sooner than others. 

I didn't have any traumatic experiences. No major car accident. No serious illness. Just years of on-going struggles with shyness and stomach problems. Which turned into anxiety and panic attacks. And among all of that was nervousness, fear, stress, worry... I was a calm wreck. Unless you knew me well, you probably had no idea what I was dealing with.

Fast forward to today. There have been numerous difficulties that this life on earth has brought. That's what happens when you live here: heartache, pain, sadness. But I am who I am today because of it all.

Honestly, I don't look back at my life and wish that the pain and the difficulties had never happened to me. As a matter of fact, I worry more about who I would have become if none of those things had been a part of my life. 

Because of trials:
I am stronger.
I am wiser.
I am more dependent on God.
I'm a better wife, mother, sister and friend.
I'm more kingdom-focused.
I have more patience.
I'm less judgemental.

Now, keep in mind that I am none of these things perfectly, or even close to it! 
But I am better at them all because of the trials in the first 30+ years of my life.

I'll be honest and tell you that I'm not looking forward to the next big struggle that life has set out in my path. But I know that I'll make it through, because I always have (with God's help), and on the other side I'll be a better person because of it.

KC

i see you

Hey momma - you gave up your career to stay home with your little ones. I see you.

And you, driving home from work so you can pick your kids up from the bus stop after school. I see you too.

Sleeping in your kiddos room tonight because they've been sick all day? I've been there. Yeah, your back is gonna hurt, but what's that on top of all the other aches and pains you've got?

Staying up late to make the perfect birthday treat for your birthday kiddo? I get that. There will be coffee in the pot tomorrow. I promise.

Homeschooling those munchkins? Let me just tell you how much I get that.

Extra laundry because your kiddo wet the bed last night?
Researching different types of recipes for your highly sensitive food allergen child?
Fighting through tears because homework takes 3 hours? (Your tears and theirs?!)
Hair in a ponytail because there was no time for a shower this morning?

I get that.

Moms sacrifice.

When it comes to our families, we sacrifice ourselves to the point of exhaustion.

(And this is not a comparison to dads who make their own sacrifices. It is just a tribute to moms because, well, I happen to be one.)

I just want you moms to know that I see you. 
I applaud you.
I think you're amazing.

Even if no one else seems to notice.
I know it.
I get it.
And I want to tell you that you're doing an awesome job.

The rewards might seem small right now.
Or maybe you see no rewards at all!
But God sees.
He knows your heart.

So keep it up.
Your sacrifices are making a difference.
Even if you can't see it right now.

KC

Sunday, March 1, 2015

perspective

This is a popular phrase used in our home: "Life's not fair!"

Our 9 year old daughter uses this one on average two times a day. That's 14 times a week. 60 times a month. Over 700 times a year! Do you know how old that can get?!

And you know how we respond? With the truth: life's not fair. It's not fair when you are 9 years old. It won't be fair when you are 36. And it won't be fair when you are 71. 

I think as parents we desire to make life as fair and equal as we can for our children. We don't want to see our children deal with the inequalities that life can hand out because that can be painful. 

Why do I struggle so much in school?
Why don't I have as many friends as that girl?
Why can't I buy clothes from the really nice stores?
Why do I always have stomach aches?

As difficult as it is to watch our kids struggle with the concept of this unfair life, I think the lessons they learn from it are invaluable. My desire is to teach my kids how to deal with it now, because life doesn't get any fairer as we get older!

Here are just a few of the topics that we have talked about because "Life's not fair!"
Contentment and satisfaction
Envy and jealousy 
Strengths and weaknesses in every person
Looking for the blessings that God has given you
Seeing the good instead of the bad
Understanding that God's plan for your life is not the same as His plan for someone else's life

And each one of these lessons is applicable to the grown ups too.
How many times have you thought that life isn't being fair to you? A bunch! 
But the perspective that this unfair life can grant you is worth it, if you have the right one...

KC 

girlfriends

When I look back through my years of friendships, I have truly been blessed. I can't think of a single friendship that I have regretted, which is pretty great because, you know, some women can be downright, well, bad for you. Perhaps it's because God's always had a hand in who He's put in my life and has given me discernment in choosing my girlfriends. 

And praise God for girlfriends! I can't tell you how often I've needed a shoulder and one of my dearest girls has been there for me. I've needed prayer or help or just someone to listen to me vent. I've needed someone to relate my life to so that I don't feel alone in my struggles, someone to say the right word at the right time, to support me, encourage me. I've got girls who will go out with me to laugh and giggle or let me come hang out at their house to get me away from this house I am in practically 24 hrs a day. 

My husband is my best friend. And he's a great one! But, he is not a girl. (Just stating the obvious, folks). Girlfriends let you know that you are not crazy, even if you are a little crazy, because for women being a little bit crazy is normal. They make sure you know that you are not alone in your struggles, shortcomings, failures, and issues because we all have struggles, shortcomings, failures, and issues. And they let you know that it's okay to be emotional. It's just what we do. And that's okay.

Grab your girlfriends and hug them around the neck. We need each other. And if you can't think of a good friend to hug, I'm here. I'll be your friend. I'm decent at it, just ask my girls. 💗

I love my girls - you all know who you are.

KC