debilitating anxiety

Many who know me now find it difficult to believe that I was ever shy. But, boy was I! When people describe a child as painfully shy, I know exactly what that child is feeling and going through. Even as I got older, I prayed that God would give me the words to hold a conversation because talking to someone I didn't know very well was practically like pulling teeth. You could say that I have pretty much overcome that hurdle. Guess I inherited the "gab" genes from my Mom after all (which is a good thing, Mom, I promise)! Or maybe I just like to be friendly and that desire helped me overcome the shyness. Honestly, I think it was when I had kids that I suddenly had TONS to talk about!!

That shyness wasn't the only hurdle I have had to overcome as a youth. In high school I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, panic attacks and all. I'd have to leave class suddenly. My heart would beat SO fast I was certain I'd keel over right then and there. The thought of being in a crowd or in the middle of an row made me somewhat faint. The worst was at church. Sit in the back, sit by the aisle, know your escape routes - these became my habits anywhere I went. I knew that no one understood what I was going through. I couldn't eat at school (for me this never turned into anorexia, but after this experience, I definitely understood that disease much better). This stinking disorder rode on my back from my senior year in high school, through college, and even into the first years of my marriage. (And here is where I give my husband tons of praise: he held my hand through it all from the moment I told him, even when he didn't understand. By being willing to hold my hand, he made me a stronger woman.)

I was angry. I was bitter. I was frustrated. I didn't understand. Would my entire life be debilitated by this stupid disorder?! The thought of having kids (my heart's greatest desire) scared the living day lights out of me! How could I handle kids in situations that I couldn't even handle all by myself?

I was diagnosed by my family practitioner. She drew me this picture, so simple, that made the reasoning behind these panics attacks so clear. It was a picture of a head with a bunch of arrows pointing at it from lots of different directions. Too much going on in my life. Lots of big changes happening soon. College in a year. Moving away from my family: my security. I was losing all that I had control over. I dropped all sports that year (no big loss to any team). I added nothing new to my schedule. My doctor gave me medication that I took once but never took again because it made me feel loopy.( I did keep them for many years, almost like a security blanket.)

One day in church, as I fought back tears of frustration, the scripture about uttering the name of Jesus came to mind. As the rest of the congregation sang, I said the name of Jesus and was instantly calmed. What?! No way! Yes. Now that didn't happen so amazingly each time, but what it made me realize was that my heart was a battlefield. There was warfare going on in there! Once that became clear, I knew that I could fight this because I wasn't fighting alone.

I started to find techniques that worked for me to handle my panic attacks. First of all, I didn't put myself in stressful situations unless absolutely necessary. (To this day, I prefer an aisle seat in the back). I would keep in mind where exits were or at the very least a bathroom. That way if I needed to get away somewhere to breathe, I could. If I was with my husband and I tightly squeezed his hand, he would lean over to ask if I needed to leave, always willing to go with me. I also started acknowledging this for what it was so when I felt one coming on, it wasn't quite so freaky anymore. They weren't so big once I could identify them. And, I never failed to utter the name of Jesus when one of those panic attacks started happening.

A few years of dealing with this brought me to Paul and his thorn in his flesh. I don't know exactly what his was, but I certainly knew what mine was! But how in the world would God use these panic attacks for good? Then I realized, if I helped just one, only ONE person dealing with this same disorder, then the whole ordeal was worth it. All the years of nerves, anxiety, stress would be worth it if I could just let even one person know that it's okay, you're not alone, I've been there, you're going to be okay. As a high schooler, having someone else understand because they had walked the same terrible path I was on would have made a world of difference. I wouldn't have felt "diseased" or "odd." Don't get me wrong: my dear friends and family walked beside me and supported me. I am so grateful to this day for each one of them. But it was still a lonely walk.

Please, share my story. If your story is similar, please share it. If you are in the midst of this yourself, please know you can contact me. You can email me at klynncragin@yahoo.com.

I am now married and have two kiddos. And yes, they have put me in situations I would never have survived in high school and college. Children make you survive. You have no choice but to be strong for your children. It is an amazing feeling. My panic attacks are gone. I can't remember the last time I had one. During extremely stressful times in my life, my anxiety has reared it's ugly head in different ways. But once I've identified it as a result of anxiety, it typically goes away. I live a full and busy life these days, not in fear, not shy. I take no credit for this healing or growth in me. But all glory belongs to the Ultimate Healer, Jesus Christ. He has brought beauty from this ugliness, as only He can do.

KC