9 years and still grieving

As I sat at the piano for a rare few moments this afternoon, I smelled him. It didn't register at first and then suddenly the tears came. I could literally smell my dad. Not his cologne or after shave, but the woodsy warm leathery smell that my dad possessed. 

I don't know why. There is nothing in this room that he wore. But the scent was strong as I continue to finish my song at the piano.

I wasn't a kid when my Pa died. I was 28. 

But I was still his kid. 

And I still needed him as a dad.

No matter how old you get, I'm not sure that you stop wanting your parents' approval, their pride in you, their constant love through word and deed, their encouragement to keep on striving. 

My Dad was my rock. He was steadfast. He was my constant. I didn't even have to use words and he would get it. My mom has stepped in to fill those roles the best that she can and she has done an amazing job of being my support.

But I miss my Dad.

I wish he could be here to see what I've done with my life so far. (Do you know hard it is to type through tears - I can hardly tell what blurry letters I'm typing!) I wish he could enjoy my kids because they are so much fun and the neatest kids ever! He would get such a kick out of them. He was also so proud of my smallest achievements. There are things I've done and ways that I've grown that would make him beam with pride. He was my biggest fan, my constant encourager, and a fierce protector of my heart. 

I want him to know my friends, the close friendships I've made over the past nearly decade. I wish they could have known him. I wish he had more time so he could have touched more lives like he did just by being him. 

My Dad was a good man. 

I hate that he is not here on earth.

But it wasn't my decision. 

And even though God and I didn't see eye to eye on this decision,

God knows best.

And I love knowing that my Dad will greet me when I join him someday. In heaven. 

So much love from me to those of you who cry like I do at the most unexpected times because the gaping hole is still there and sometimes the realization of that loss is too great to contain. 

KC