There's this battle that I fight every single day, every single morning, pretty much every single moment. It's like a mantra that reverberates through my mind: "I'm not good enough."
I don't know why. It's not like anyone is standing next to me, judging my every action and every word that comes out of my mouth. But that feeling is always with me: "I'm not good enough."
I'm a mom. I read articles about how to be a better mom. And it just makes me feel like a terrible mom because there are 1,000 things I could be doing to be a better mom.
I used to be in shape. I used to work out regularly. I want to be in shape and work out regularly. I could give you 45 excuses as to why I'm not in shape and don't work out regularly. But it wouldn't change the fact that I want to be, but am not in shape.
I have a minimum of 75 projects around the house that scream at me every time I see them. Each room has at least one. "Paint me!" "Put curtains on me!" "Purge all these clothes out of me!" Those are all fabulous reminders of how great I am not.
I won't touch much on the topic of being a wife because I'm awesome at it and our marriage is perfect. Just ask my husband.
Sometimes I watch Netflix and I don't know whether to tell myself, "Good job! You deserve a little break!" or "You are the laziest sack of potatoes. Do you remember how many things you put on your To Do list today?!"
I teach a grip of kiddos piano lessons on a weekly basis. I will never stop feeling like I could be doing more to get them to understand or to practice more or just to love it so much that they want to play EVERY SINGLE DAY!! And that's why I'm no longer a school teacher - it consumed me. I could always do more, do more, do more!
I adore the friends that God has put into my life. But I cannot remember birthdays in a timely manner to save my life. Literally, if my life depended on it, I could not remember enough birthdays to save it. Sometimes not even the correct month! (Maybe this is why I struggled in History so much: remembering dates is not my strength.)
I'm super organized! ...when I want to be and when I have time and/or make it a priority. Which is not as often as I would like.
Finances. There's a good reason why my patient and flexible husband handles the finances.
Are you getting the picture?
(I know someone out there must be on the same page I am. Because when I sat at my computer and thought about what to write, this topic was brought to the forefront of my "squirrel!!" brain, and it stayed there. Someone needs to hear this as much as I do!)
Now that I've dragged myself through the mud (which is not unusual, hence the topic for today's blog) let's get to the upside!
A while back I had a conversation with a friend who was struggling with an upcoming event the following day. This friend felt unworthy for the role that they had been asked to play. I very politely said: "DUH! If you had all your ducks in a row and were perfect, then God wouldn't ask you to play that role. He wants you to do it BECAUSE you're not perfect." That is how He is glorified and we can prove his awesomeness, his God-ness (I think that is a word, or should be a word).
God doesn't ask us to be perfect. He asks us to be willing. He wants to use us in our roles as spouses, parents, friends. teachers, and whatever else so that He can do amazing things through us.
AND when you relinquish your imperfections to God, do you know how much pressure that takes off of you?! The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bathtub in the morning, putting on my socks and thought, " I don't have it within me today. You do it, God. Because I can't." (I wasn't asking Him to put on my socks, it was more like a whole day that I didn't feel like doing!) And I immediately breathed a sigh of relief and literally felt the peace go through my body.
I think maybe we need to come up with a new mantra, something that can be made into a poster or a cute little plaque to hang throughout our houses. Something we see everyday that will remind us that we are good enough.
And it should say: "God thinks I'm enough."
I don't know about you, but if God thinks I'm enough, that's a pretty big WOW right there!!