Many who know me now find it difficult to believe that I was ever shy. But, boy was I! When people describe a child as painfully shy, I know exactly what that child is feeling and going through. Even as I got older, I prayed that God would give me the words to hold a conversation because talking to someone I didn't know very well was practically like pulling teeth. You could say that I have pretty much overcome that hurdle. Guess I inherited the "gab" genes from my Mom after all (which is a good thing, Mom, I promise)! Or maybe I just like to be friendly and that desire helped me overcome the shyness. Honestly, I think it was when I had kids that I suddenly had TONS to talk about!!
That shyness wasn't the only hurdle I have had to overcome as a youth. In high school I was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, panic attacks and all. I'd have to leave class suddenly. My heart would beat SO fast I was certain I'd keel over right then and there. The thought of being in a crowd or in the middle of an row made me somewhat faint. The worst was at church. Sit in the back, sit by the aisle, know your escape routes - these became my habits anywhere I went. I knew that no one understood what I was going through. I couldn't eat at school (for me this never turned into anorexia, but after this experience, I definitely understood that disease much better). This stinking disorder rode on my back from my senior year in high school, through college, and even into the first years of my marriage. (And here is where I give my husband tons of praise: he held my hand through it all from the moment I told him, even when he didn't understand. By being willing to hold my hand, he made me a stronger woman.)
I was angry. I was bitter. I was frustrated. I didn't understand. Would my entire life be debilitated by this stupid disorder?! The thought of having kids (my heart's greatest desire) scared the living day lights out of me! How could I handle kids in situations that I couldn't even handle all by myself?
I was diagnosed by my family practitioner. She drew me this picture, so simple, that made the reasoning behind these panics attacks so clear. It was a picture of a head with a bunch of arrows pointing at it from lots of different directions. Too much going on in my life. Lots of big changes happening soon. College in a year. Moving away from my family: my security. I was losing all that I had control over. I dropped all sports that year (no big loss to any team). I added nothing new to my schedule. My doctor gave me medication that I took once but never took again because it made me feel loopy.( I did keep them for many years, almost like a security blanket.)
One day in church, as I fought back tears of frustration, the scripture about uttering the name of Jesus came to mind. As the rest of the congregation sang, I said the name of Jesus and was instantly calmed. What?! No way! Yes. Now that didn't happen so amazingly each time, but what it made me realize was that my heart was a battlefield. There was warfare going on in there! Once that became clear, I knew that I could fight this because I wasn't fighting alone.
I started to find techniques that worked for me to handle my panic attacks. First of all, I didn't put myself in stressful situations unless absolutely necessary. (To this day, I prefer an aisle seat in the back). I would keep in mind where exits were or at the very least a bathroom. That way if I needed to get away somewhere to breathe, I could. If I was with my husband and I tightly squeezed his hand, he would lean over to ask if I needed to leave, always willing to go with me. I also started acknowledging this for what it was so when I felt one coming on, it wasn't quite so freaky anymore. They weren't so big once I could identify them. And, I never failed to utter the name of Jesus when one of those panic attacks started happening.
A few years of dealing with this brought me to Paul and his thorn in his flesh. I don't know exactly what his was, but I certainly knew what mine was! But how in the world would God use these panic attacks for good? Then I realized, if I helped just one, only ONE person dealing with this same disorder, then the whole ordeal was worth it. All the years of nerves, anxiety, stress would be worth it if I could just let even one person know that it's okay, you're not alone, I've been there, you're going to be okay. As a high schooler, having someone else understand because they had walked the same terrible path I was on would have made a world of difference. I wouldn't have felt "diseased" or "odd." Don't get me wrong: my dear friends and family walked beside me and supported me. I am so grateful to this day for each one of them. But it was still a lonely walk.
Please, share my story. If your story is similar, please share it. If you are in the midst of this yourself, please know you can contact me. You can email me at klynncragin@yahoo.com.
I am now married and have two kiddos. And yes, they have put me in situations I would never have survived in high school and college. Children make you survive. You have no choice but to be strong for your children. It is an amazing feeling. My panic attacks are gone. I can't remember the last time I had one. During extremely stressful times in my life, my anxiety has reared it's ugly head in different ways. But once I've identified it as a result of anxiety, it typically goes away. I live a full and busy life these days, not in fear, not shy. I take no credit for this healing or growth in me. But all glory belongs to the Ultimate Healer, Jesus Christ. He has brought beauty from this ugliness, as only He can do.
KC
Sunday, April 22, 2012
Friday, April 20, 2012
rat love
We have a rat. In our house. In a cage. She's a pet. Half of you are thinking, "Ewww, a rat. They're tails are so....ewwwww!". The other half of you have had a pet rat and know the sweetness of interaction between rat and owner. My daughter has such a connection with her little rat; it was one of the best decisions we've made for her (although I do not recommend adopting a rat if your child is much younger than 5. My nearly 4-year-old doesn't quite grasp the "gentle" hold). Although he is trying.
Today's gift of survival: the friendship of a pet. When I was a child, I had numerous cats. Not all at once, but we lived on a busy street and each of my cats lived outside so you can figure out their life expectancy.... So ever few years a new kitten was adopted as an older one lost its life to traffic. Those cats were a form of salvation for me as a child. I loved them dearly and they loved me back!
The seemingly unconditional love that a pet will give to its owner is a priceless gift. It can take away a child's loneliness. It can give a child an ear to tell their fears and insecurities to. A pet will seek you out when they know you need them. I can't tell you how many times as a kid I sat on our back step crying about this or that and my cat would wander up and rub up against me:"I'm here. I know you're sad. I still love you. Pet me and I'll purr for you to show you just how much I love you!" They have this God-given intuition to give you what you need when you need it.
(Keep in mind I am generalizing - not all pets are perfect: they make noise, messes, can be stinky, not friendly, or they can be a real pain in the behind. I'm just dwelling on their positive points. Which I tend to do. I'm a glass half full kind of gal.)
My hubby and I have been through a small zoo of animals: birds, a box turtle, a red-eared slider (turtle), a snake, a guinea pig, 2 rats, 2 cats, multiple fish, and now another rat. We both like animals, but now that we have two human pets of our own, we don't need anymore for a bit (currently we just have the 2 kids, 2 cats, and 1 rat). I'm still a sucker for getting a pet - gotta keep an eye on me in the pet store! Saw the little chicks at the Tractor Supply Co today. It took all I had to keep me from asking to hold one... Fortunately, the rest of my sibling's families helps with the variety of pets my children (and I, of course) are exposed to: two puppies, fish, hamsters, a parakeet, 8 chickens, a rabbit, Koi, and another couple of cats - there is a love of animals among us!
Now, I'm not trying to side with your kid here to convince you to buy him or her a pet. I'm simply relaying my feelings regarding pets because of the joy I received from having them. That I still receive! When my husband works the night shift, our little black cat curls up near me to keep me company.
If I take her out of her cage, that little rat crawls up onto my shoulder and just hangs out like a little buddy. My children adore her and she makes her home in their hands.
Animals are a gift from God (unless they are making potty on our floor, leaving hair balls for us to step on, or vomiting up their last meal - during those times they are from..., well, they are not from God, I'm pretty sure.)
KC
Today's gift of survival: the friendship of a pet. When I was a child, I had numerous cats. Not all at once, but we lived on a busy street and each of my cats lived outside so you can figure out their life expectancy.... So ever few years a new kitten was adopted as an older one lost its life to traffic. Those cats were a form of salvation for me as a child. I loved them dearly and they loved me back!
The seemingly unconditional love that a pet will give to its owner is a priceless gift. It can take away a child's loneliness. It can give a child an ear to tell their fears and insecurities to. A pet will seek you out when they know you need them. I can't tell you how many times as a kid I sat on our back step crying about this or that and my cat would wander up and rub up against me:"I'm here. I know you're sad. I still love you. Pet me and I'll purr for you to show you just how much I love you!" They have this God-given intuition to give you what you need when you need it.
(Keep in mind I am generalizing - not all pets are perfect: they make noise, messes, can be stinky, not friendly, or they can be a real pain in the behind. I'm just dwelling on their positive points. Which I tend to do. I'm a glass half full kind of gal.)
My hubby and I have been through a small zoo of animals: birds, a box turtle, a red-eared slider (turtle), a snake, a guinea pig, 2 rats, 2 cats, multiple fish, and now another rat. We both like animals, but now that we have two human pets of our own, we don't need anymore for a bit (currently we just have the 2 kids, 2 cats, and 1 rat). I'm still a sucker for getting a pet - gotta keep an eye on me in the pet store! Saw the little chicks at the Tractor Supply Co today. It took all I had to keep me from asking to hold one... Fortunately, the rest of my sibling's families helps with the variety of pets my children (and I, of course) are exposed to: two puppies, fish, hamsters, a parakeet, 8 chickens, a rabbit, Koi, and another couple of cats - there is a love of animals among us!
Now, I'm not trying to side with your kid here to convince you to buy him or her a pet. I'm simply relaying my feelings regarding pets because of the joy I received from having them. That I still receive! When my husband works the night shift, our little black cat curls up near me to keep me company.
If I take her out of her cage, that little rat crawls up onto my shoulder and just hangs out like a little buddy. My children adore her and she makes her home in their hands.
Animals are a gift from God (unless they are making potty on our floor, leaving hair balls for us to step on, or vomiting up their last meal - during those times they are from..., well, they are not from God, I'm pretty sure.)
KC
and friends are friends forever...
(Honestly, I just couldn't come up with a great title so I borrowed one. You are welcome for getting this song stuck in your head.)
All right, you MOMS Club moms - you knew this one was coming! A post about MOMS Club, but also about so much more...
Yesterday was quite a day! The morning started out with a group of ladies from the Ripon-Salida MOMS Club and their adorable munchkins enjoying coffee and snacks in my house (funny, that made it sound like the munchkins enjoyed the coffee - they didn't, just the mommies). There were about 12 of us moms and about the same amount of kiddos. For over 2 hours the noise inside the house was louder than the noise outside (and there was a noisy Bobcat digging a hole in my backyard!)
I can't tell you how many women have mentioned how MOMS Club has changed their life. It is an international organization of Moms Offering Moms Support. And support each other, we do! There are meals for new moms with newborns or for those who are in the midst of a tragedy. There are activities nearly every weekday for the kids and moms to participate in together, including Recipe Club, Crafting, Walking Club, picnics, Tune Time, and even a Moms Night Out once a month for the Mommies to have a night out from the kids!
The best part for me was not all the fun activities that my children have had the opportunity to participate in. It wasn't doing Community Projects together. It hasn't even been the evenings out with just the moms (although those are SUPER fun!). It has been the conversations with moms who can relate to what I am going through or what I have been through. It is being able to tell another Mom that I know exactly what they are feeling because I felt it too when my daughter or son was that age. It is the encouragement I still receive from other moms (and I've been a part of this group for 5+ years!)
Today's gift of survival: Friendship. I have heard many stories of women (often new moms) who feel lonely or depressed because of life's circumstances, whatever they might be. Do you know just how valuable friendship is for that person? It can literally save that person's life! Sometimes life is hard and to face difficult times alone is even harder! But having a shoulder or an ear from a friend, even if there is nothing that friend can do but listen, is invaluable.
I've been through a few rough patches in my young life with an anxiety disorder, the loss of my Dad, and raising a strong-willed child. Without understanding and loving people in my life at those crucial moments, I'm not sure I would have come out on top! (I'm still not sure how things are going to end up with the strong-willed one, but at least I know of others going through practically the same thing.)
MOMS Club has been my salvation at times, but that was because God put those people in my life at just the right time. He orchestrated the friendships I have now. And now, I feel that because of my experiences, perhaps I can be that encouragement, that hope to someone in need. Maybe all the difficulties God walked me through was so that I could be a help to someone walking through the same experiences.
*And just to make sure no one thinks I'm promoting: I do love my MOMS Club friends, but the focus of this post was the value of friendship, no matter where you find it (well, now that I think about it, there might be some places you don't want to go looking for friendships...) And perhaps maybe you are being prodded to be a friend to someone in need. All that stuff you've been through that has "grown" you might actually help to "grow" someone else.
KC
All right, you MOMS Club moms - you knew this one was coming! A post about MOMS Club, but also about so much more...
Yesterday was quite a day! The morning started out with a group of ladies from the Ripon-Salida MOMS Club and their adorable munchkins enjoying coffee and snacks in my house (funny, that made it sound like the munchkins enjoyed the coffee - they didn't, just the mommies). There were about 12 of us moms and about the same amount of kiddos. For over 2 hours the noise inside the house was louder than the noise outside (and there was a noisy Bobcat digging a hole in my backyard!)
I can't tell you how many women have mentioned how MOMS Club has changed their life. It is an international organization of Moms Offering Moms Support. And support each other, we do! There are meals for new moms with newborns or for those who are in the midst of a tragedy. There are activities nearly every weekday for the kids and moms to participate in together, including Recipe Club, Crafting, Walking Club, picnics, Tune Time, and even a Moms Night Out once a month for the Mommies to have a night out from the kids!
The best part for me was not all the fun activities that my children have had the opportunity to participate in. It wasn't doing Community Projects together. It hasn't even been the evenings out with just the moms (although those are SUPER fun!). It has been the conversations with moms who can relate to what I am going through or what I have been through. It is being able to tell another Mom that I know exactly what they are feeling because I felt it too when my daughter or son was that age. It is the encouragement I still receive from other moms (and I've been a part of this group for 5+ years!)
Today's gift of survival: Friendship. I have heard many stories of women (often new moms) who feel lonely or depressed because of life's circumstances, whatever they might be. Do you know just how valuable friendship is for that person? It can literally save that person's life! Sometimes life is hard and to face difficult times alone is even harder! But having a shoulder or an ear from a friend, even if there is nothing that friend can do but listen, is invaluable.
I've been through a few rough patches in my young life with an anxiety disorder, the loss of my Dad, and raising a strong-willed child. Without understanding and loving people in my life at those crucial moments, I'm not sure I would have come out on top! (I'm still not sure how things are going to end up with the strong-willed one, but at least I know of others going through practically the same thing.)
MOMS Club has been my salvation at times, but that was because God put those people in my life at just the right time. He orchestrated the friendships I have now. And now, I feel that because of my experiences, perhaps I can be that encouragement, that hope to someone in need. Maybe all the difficulties God walked me through was so that I could be a help to someone walking through the same experiences.
*And just to make sure no one thinks I'm promoting: I do love my MOMS Club friends, but the focus of this post was the value of friendship, no matter where you find it (well, now that I think about it, there might be some places you don't want to go looking for friendships...) And perhaps maybe you are being prodded to be a friend to someone in need. All that stuff you've been through that has "grown" you might actually help to "grow" someone else.
KC
Thursday, April 19, 2012
homeschooling in an RV
*I wrote this while on vacation with my family over Easter Vacation. (And yes, I call it Easter Vacation, because for us it still lands with Easter Sunday and we are celebrating all week long!!)
As our family hangs out in a little cabin in Twain Harte, I feel the pangs of missing homeschooling. I homeschooled my oldest through K and into 1st grade. We chose to do this for numerous good reasons, some personal. One little benefit was the flexibility it allowed our family. My husband works a 7/7. He works 7 nights in a row and then he has a week off. We would schedule camping trips on his week off and I could homeschool my girl in our RV. Honestly, it was pretty cool.
Up here in the cabin, we could do the same thing, and we were hoping to be able to do that in the future, but God brought about some changes in our life and we are here for Easter vacation instead.
I don't, at this point, feel called to share all our reasons for the choices we've made both for homeschooling and traditional classroom education. But I will tell you, my perspective on homeschooling was definitely widened now that I've done it!
Funny thing: people think that homeschool kids are not social. We were a part of an awesome homeschool co-op and I could hardly keep up with my daughter's social life. The other amazing thing about many homeschool kids is that they relate well to all ages. The older boys would grab my little boy (5 yrs younger than them) and pull him into whatever they were playing. They also interacted with adults on a regular basis and were extremely respectful and could hold a conversation with adults.
Another misconception: homeschool kids are behind in academics. Fact of the matter is that no matter how a child is educated, they are going to struggle or succeed in their own weaknesses and strengths. And in the charter school I was a part of, we had access to tutors for all subjects. And I could take a subject that interested my daughter and go as far as we wanted and learn above and beyond!
And (this I loved) we could choose what would be extra in a typical public school and use it as part of our curriculum: art lessons, music education, sports (Tae Kwon do, gymnastics, even dance), we even had a class called Messy Learning - the possibilities were endless, unless you ran out of funding.
We also had a beloved ES (Education Specialist). She was a credentialed teacher who kept tabs on our progress and made sure we were where we needed to be. I never felt alone in this whole endeavor. She helped me whenever I needed it!
Having the opportunity to homeschool also taught me a very important lesson. Academics are important, yes. I want my children to be able to function in this world and make worthwhile contributions. But more important than that, I want to raise godly children who are going to make a difference for God's kingdom while the are here on this earth. Fact is that I don't need my children to measure up to the world's definition of successful. My desire is for my children to look to God for confirmation.
I don't write all this to make a case for homeschooling your kids. That's between you and God. We, as a family, have had to put a lot of prayer and thought into our education decisions. Currently, my oldest is in a Christian school getting a great education. It is the best fit and what we felt called to do at this point in our lives. I just know there are a lot of people who knock homeschooling and perhaps have never known anything other than the old stigmas attached to homeschoolers: non-social kids getting an inferior education from their mom who only knows how to cook and clean, not educate. That's simply not the case anymore (not that there aren't any like that, but it's not the norm!)
So please be careful when you make comments about those who homeschool. Many of us have been hurt by well-meaning people who thought they should give us their opinion but end up raising our hackles about something we have felt called by God to do.
And now I will step down off my homeschooling soapbox...
KC
As our family hangs out in a little cabin in Twain Harte, I feel the pangs of missing homeschooling. I homeschooled my oldest through K and into 1st grade. We chose to do this for numerous good reasons, some personal. One little benefit was the flexibility it allowed our family. My husband works a 7/7. He works 7 nights in a row and then he has a week off. We would schedule camping trips on his week off and I could homeschool my girl in our RV. Honestly, it was pretty cool.
Up here in the cabin, we could do the same thing, and we were hoping to be able to do that in the future, but God brought about some changes in our life and we are here for Easter vacation instead.
I don't, at this point, feel called to share all our reasons for the choices we've made both for homeschooling and traditional classroom education. But I will tell you, my perspective on homeschooling was definitely widened now that I've done it!
Funny thing: people think that homeschool kids are not social. We were a part of an awesome homeschool co-op and I could hardly keep up with my daughter's social life. The other amazing thing about many homeschool kids is that they relate well to all ages. The older boys would grab my little boy (5 yrs younger than them) and pull him into whatever they were playing. They also interacted with adults on a regular basis and were extremely respectful and could hold a conversation with adults.
Another misconception: homeschool kids are behind in academics. Fact of the matter is that no matter how a child is educated, they are going to struggle or succeed in their own weaknesses and strengths. And in the charter school I was a part of, we had access to tutors for all subjects. And I could take a subject that interested my daughter and go as far as we wanted and learn above and beyond!
And (this I loved) we could choose what would be extra in a typical public school and use it as part of our curriculum: art lessons, music education, sports (Tae Kwon do, gymnastics, even dance), we even had a class called Messy Learning - the possibilities were endless, unless you ran out of funding.
We also had a beloved ES (Education Specialist). She was a credentialed teacher who kept tabs on our progress and made sure we were where we needed to be. I never felt alone in this whole endeavor. She helped me whenever I needed it!
Having the opportunity to homeschool also taught me a very important lesson. Academics are important, yes. I want my children to be able to function in this world and make worthwhile contributions. But more important than that, I want to raise godly children who are going to make a difference for God's kingdom while the are here on this earth. Fact is that I don't need my children to measure up to the world's definition of successful. My desire is for my children to look to God for confirmation.
I don't write all this to make a case for homeschooling your kids. That's between you and God. We, as a family, have had to put a lot of prayer and thought into our education decisions. Currently, my oldest is in a Christian school getting a great education. It is the best fit and what we felt called to do at this point in our lives. I just know there are a lot of people who knock homeschooling and perhaps have never known anything other than the old stigmas attached to homeschoolers: non-social kids getting an inferior education from their mom who only knows how to cook and clean, not educate. That's simply not the case anymore (not that there aren't any like that, but it's not the norm!)
So please be careful when you make comments about those who homeschool. Many of us have been hurt by well-meaning people who thought they should give us their opinion but end up raising our hackles about something we have felt called by God to do.
And now I will step down off my homeschooling soapbox...
KC
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
waffles and alarm clocks
You ever make a ton of waffles and up with a bunch of leftovers? Don't want to throw them away because there are starving kids in other countries, you know.
Today's gift of survival: having breakfast food all ready for those crazy busy mornings.
I've got her homework folder in her backpack. And now I've got breakfast simplified.
A great idea? Yes.
An excuse to sleep in? Not really.
Those few extra minutes in the morning often end up costing me something on the back end. Usually it is irritation with my kids who are just being, well... kids. "Come on! We've got to get out the door! Go get your sweatshirt. Did you remember to grab your backpack? We're gonna be late! Augh! Come on! That's it. I'm starting the truck and getting ready to go. Both of you need to get your tails in there!!" (Funny thing: as I'm writing this, I can actually hear my tone of voice because I say these words of irritation often, I guess!)
The past couple weeks I've been setting my alarm a bit earlier. Not too ridiculously much. Just a little. And it finally hit me just this morning: wow! The amount of extra time in the morning, even 15 minutes, makes a world of difference! What used to feel like me rushing around finding socks and shoes is now me sending my son to do it, even though it will take him twice as long. But you know what? It's okay, because I've got time for that. And rushing out the door is practically non-existent because we've always got time to spare! And the crowd at school drop off is much smaller when you are even two minutes earlier.
Best of all: we like each other in the morning.
So this is all great and dandy and I have high hopes that we can maintain this morning schedule/routine. But, I'm not always great at being self-disciplined. However, there's always room for improvement. And I've realized that God has already changed so many things about me that I thought were unchangeable. I've got a lot of years left (I hope) for Him to work on me. And you know what's funny? The more He works on me, the more I realize just how much work I need!
Today, a couple of gals and I intentionally made a bunch of waffles to have as leftovers. We froze them. Because when you pop a leftover frozen waffle in the toaster, it heats up the insides and puts the perfect crisp on the outside. 
And that, my friends, is simply delicious!
And that, my friends, is simply delicious!
And we also made blueberry muffins 
and ham and cheese biscuit bites
and even got a hankering to make some biscotti.
Oh, and we made a mess!! But that's all part of cooking/baking.
and ham and cheese biscuit bites
and even got a hankering to make some biscotti.
Oh, and we made a mess!! But that's all part of cooking/baking.
Today's gift of survival: having breakfast food all ready for those crazy busy mornings.
I'm not an early riser. I think it'd be great if I was. I'm trying to be. But that snooze button is the first temptation of my day! (And just so you all don't think that I get up at 9:21 in the morning, I took this pic this evening simply to have an illustration of the battle between the bed and the clock. Sleeping in till 9:21? Only in my dreams, these days!)
I've tried to compensate for my desire to stay in the coziness of my bed a bit longer by getting things prepped the night before. Honestly, this is a great idea.
I've got my daughter's lunch made. 
I've tried to compensate for my desire to stay in the coziness of my bed a bit longer by getting things prepped the night before. Honestly, this is a great idea.
I've got her homework folder in her backpack. And now I've got breakfast simplified.A great idea? Yes.
An excuse to sleep in? Not really.
Those few extra minutes in the morning often end up costing me something on the back end. Usually it is irritation with my kids who are just being, well... kids. "Come on! We've got to get out the door! Go get your sweatshirt. Did you remember to grab your backpack? We're gonna be late! Augh! Come on! That's it. I'm starting the truck and getting ready to go. Both of you need to get your tails in there!!" (Funny thing: as I'm writing this, I can actually hear my tone of voice because I say these words of irritation often, I guess!)
The past couple weeks I've been setting my alarm a bit earlier. Not too ridiculously much. Just a little. And it finally hit me just this morning: wow! The amount of extra time in the morning, even 15 minutes, makes a world of difference! What used to feel like me rushing around finding socks and shoes is now me sending my son to do it, even though it will take him twice as long. But you know what? It's okay, because I've got time for that. And rushing out the door is practically non-existent because we've always got time to spare! And the crowd at school drop off is much smaller when you are even two minutes earlier.
Best of all: we like each other in the morning.
So this is all great and dandy and I have high hopes that we can maintain this morning schedule/routine. But, I'm not always great at being self-disciplined. However, there's always room for improvement. And I've realized that God has already changed so many things about me that I thought were unchangeable. I've got a lot of years left (I hope) for Him to work on me. And you know what's funny? The more He works on me, the more I realize just how much work I need!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
remembering the "rememberable"
I was hit pretty hard today when I read on facebook that the father of a classmate was starting on with hospice after his battle with cancer. Words that familiar bring the past right up to my present - tears instantly came to my eyes. I distinctly remember hospice and my Dad.
But tonight I don't want to dwell on that hardship from the past. I try to save my seriousness for one day during the week. However, while dwelling on this period of my life, I remembered something I did shortly after my Dad passed on: I wrote down as many "rememberables" as I could in a journal; things I never wanted to forget or have fade away.
Like the way he always called his cologne "stink perty."
How he always, without fail, told us to "stick 'em up or I'll drill ya!" whenever he had his cordless drill out (which was always for my handyman Dad).
When driving through the country, he would splat a bug on our windshield and then inevitably say, "Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again!"
He taught me to use WD40 on my fingers when I got sap on them from one of the numerous evergreens in our yard.
He would never just walk by kids selling lemonade at a garage sale. He always gave them a few quarters but never for lemonade, just to see the looks on their faces realizing this guy gave them free money!
He never stopped holding my hand, even at 28 years old, I was his little girl.
He always encouraged us when we got hurt: "it'll feel better when it stops hurting!"
If he got his words mixed up he'd say, "Got my tongue tangled round my eye teeth and couldn't see to talk straight!"
If we had to repeat something to him it was because he was "deaf in one ear and can't hear out the other!"
Today's gift of survival: memories. I'm so glad I wrote these things (and many more) down. I only wish I had started sooner. My Pa was a great man and many people have stories to tell about him. But no one told his stories like he did. And his humor was one-of-a-kind!
I wish I had done more videos of him. I wish I had asked him more questions and taken more pictures. I wish I had gathered more wisdom. I wish I could have spent more time out in the shop with him.
But I take what memories, photos, and videos I have and cherish them. I have 3 older brothers and when the 4 of us spend time together, the spirit of my Dad is definitely within us! We tell his same corny jokes. And we laugh at each other's corny jokes (even though we've heard them over and over)!! The mannerisms of my brothers, their character, their ethics and standards all reflect my Dad. They each have physical attributes similar to Dad's. They share some of his same passions. I encourage my children to build relationships with their uncles because their Uncles (and Aunts, of course) are fabulous. But I also encourage their relationships so that my kids can see reflections of who their Grandpa was in each of my brothers. They never knew him; he died before they could create any memories with him. But with my brothers, he's never really far away.
So I guess I went back to being a bit serious; it seems I tend to do that. I'll leave you with this one:
Whenever passing over a railroad track, my Dad would tell me, "A train just went by!" Amazed (at least the first time, anyway) that he could possibly know this when there was not a train in sight I asked him, "How do you know?!" And he responded with, "Because it left its tracks!"
Now I tell my kids the same joke and I'm sure they'll tell their kids...
KC
But tonight I don't want to dwell on that hardship from the past. I try to save my seriousness for one day during the week. However, while dwelling on this period of my life, I remembered something I did shortly after my Dad passed on: I wrote down as many "rememberables" as I could in a journal; things I never wanted to forget or have fade away.
Like the way he always called his cologne "stink perty."
How he always, without fail, told us to "stick 'em up or I'll drill ya!" whenever he had his cordless drill out (which was always for my handyman Dad).
When driving through the country, he would splat a bug on our windshield and then inevitably say, "Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again!"
He taught me to use WD40 on my fingers when I got sap on them from one of the numerous evergreens in our yard.
He would never just walk by kids selling lemonade at a garage sale. He always gave them a few quarters but never for lemonade, just to see the looks on their faces realizing this guy gave them free money!
He never stopped holding my hand, even at 28 years old, I was his little girl.
He always encouraged us when we got hurt: "it'll feel better when it stops hurting!"
If he got his words mixed up he'd say, "Got my tongue tangled round my eye teeth and couldn't see to talk straight!"
If we had to repeat something to him it was because he was "deaf in one ear and can't hear out the other!"
Today's gift of survival: memories. I'm so glad I wrote these things (and many more) down. I only wish I had started sooner. My Pa was a great man and many people have stories to tell about him. But no one told his stories like he did. And his humor was one-of-a-kind!
I wish I had done more videos of him. I wish I had asked him more questions and taken more pictures. I wish I had gathered more wisdom. I wish I could have spent more time out in the shop with him.
But I take what memories, photos, and videos I have and cherish them. I have 3 older brothers and when the 4 of us spend time together, the spirit of my Dad is definitely within us! We tell his same corny jokes. And we laugh at each other's corny jokes (even though we've heard them over and over)!! The mannerisms of my brothers, their character, their ethics and standards all reflect my Dad. They each have physical attributes similar to Dad's. They share some of his same passions. I encourage my children to build relationships with their uncles because their Uncles (and Aunts, of course) are fabulous. But I also encourage their relationships so that my kids can see reflections of who their Grandpa was in each of my brothers. They never knew him; he died before they could create any memories with him. But with my brothers, he's never really far away.
So I guess I went back to being a bit serious; it seems I tend to do that. I'll leave you with this one:
Whenever passing over a railroad track, my Dad would tell me, "A train just went by!" Amazed (at least the first time, anyway) that he could possibly know this when there was not a train in sight I asked him, "How do you know?!" And he responded with, "Because it left its tracks!"
Now I tell my kids the same joke and I'm sure they'll tell their kids...
KC
Monday, April 16, 2012
sleep and sanity
Tonight, I'm not sure I'm going to survive... My eldest was put to bed 3 hours ago and has used every excuse in the book to stay up (and has employed numerous tears). This is not new. It has been happening on and off for 3+ years. You think I would be able to deal with this without getting extremely frustrated. Unfortunately, this is not the case. I've tried all the tricks I have up my sleeve to soothe this situation, both for me and for her. Not working.
Now, you might think she's not tired, but that's not the case. This child goes and goes all day long. She is the Energizer Bunny in human form. We can tell when she is tired when her emotions run high. The emotions started today at 4:30, about an hour after she got home from school.
As I mentioned, this is not new:
We tried the "Nanny" technique: keep putting her into bed every time she gets out of bed, don't make eye contact, and do this for hours upon hours. Do this for a few weeks. (Until you get so frustrated that your sanity is challenged).
Tried positive reinforcement: put 3 pennies by her doorway. Every time she got out of bed, took one away. If she had any left by the morning, they were hers to keep. She never kept a penny.
Take away toys and stuffed animals whenever she gets out of bed: One day every toy and stuffed animal was removed from her room (including pictures off the walls) and stored in bins in the garage. She didn't care.
Threaten to close her door if she gets out of her bed. She and I stood on either side of the door pulling against one another. It was door tug-of-war.
Allow her to earn special privileges or rewards for staying in her bed. No rewards won.
I have sat in her room and quietly counted to 100 (or 200 or whatever it took), knowing that my voice was soothing when she struggled to calm down.
We have met with her doctor to talk about other methods.
I have read extremely boring stories to her.
I have kept to a routine every night.
I have run her ragged during the day in hopes that she would fall asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
We allow her to listen to Chris Tomlin (her favorite Christian artist) at bedtime so she has something calming to fall asleep to.
She has a nightlight so it is not too dark and a bit of water by her bedside in case she gets thirsty.
I have tried other methods that I will not discuss on this blog because the world doesn't need to know it all. (Keep in mind, we have been at this for over 3 years - we've tried a lot of ideas with consistency, mind you).
Now, these were not all the techniques we tried. Often times we failed. (I have a picture of her sleeping under my computer desk where I was working on something). Honestly, there are times when it is better to just let go than to let myself get out of control with frustration and anger. Those times when I failed, we were both better off because no one got hurt.
Today's gift of survival: grace. We try very hard not to be a crutch to her when it comes to sleeping at night. My husband and I have agreed that our children will fall asleep in their own beds by themselves. I know every family thinks differently and has different methods for their children. And to each their own (that's my way of saying I don't mean to get into a discussion about right or wrong methods here).
And back to grace: this evening I walked my daughter back to her room and laid on her floor until she fell asleep. We talked about grace and how that means you get something good that you don't really deserve (Mommy staying in her room with her even after the fits and whining and complaining - lest you think I was giving in, this is something that is rarely done and it still took another 1.5 hours before she was asleep).
And then I was able to turn it around to her and me and our relationship with God. I talked with her about how we find a lot to complain about and get upset about. We don't spend enough time with God and we often disobey, doing what we want instead. And yet he shows us grace. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He has given us Salvation: the greatest
undeserved favor.
And what have I learned from this whole experience? Only that I have no patience and that in certain situations I get easily frustrated. And that I have a temper. (What?! KC has a temper? Shocking...) And that I am merely human and cannot rely on myself to make it through trials in life (and to me, yes, this is a trial. If you've been there, you know. I have cried MANY a tear).
When I am in the midst of this situation, I want to scream! When it rises in my throat (along with anger and other mean and nasty stuff) I pray. Nothing fancy, just "God, please help me." And sometimes I just say that over and over and over. Until I calm down enough to take some deep cleansing breaths and have fought back the screaming urge. Then 15 minutes later it starts all over again!
God certainly uses my kids to remind me of how feeble I am on my own. They are a great reminder of how I can't do this parenting thing on my own.
Oh, and a crazy thing I realized a while back: after all the bedtime drama (sometimes a 3+ hour ordeal) I will go back and check on my children while they sleep and suddenly the monkeys from the day are perfect angels to me. God did that on purpose: when they are asleep, we are reminded of why we so desperately love them. Maybe that's why God never slumbers or sleeps: so He can look upon us when we aren't doing stupid human stuff and be reminded of how much He loves us.
KC - still sane, still surviving.
Now, you might think she's not tired, but that's not the case. This child goes and goes all day long. She is the Energizer Bunny in human form. We can tell when she is tired when her emotions run high. The emotions started today at 4:30, about an hour after she got home from school.
As I mentioned, this is not new:
We tried the "Nanny" technique: keep putting her into bed every time she gets out of bed, don't make eye contact, and do this for hours upon hours. Do this for a few weeks. (Until you get so frustrated that your sanity is challenged).
Tried positive reinforcement: put 3 pennies by her doorway. Every time she got out of bed, took one away. If she had any left by the morning, they were hers to keep. She never kept a penny.
Take away toys and stuffed animals whenever she gets out of bed: One day every toy and stuffed animal was removed from her room (including pictures off the walls) and stored in bins in the garage. She didn't care.
Threaten to close her door if she gets out of her bed. She and I stood on either side of the door pulling against one another. It was door tug-of-war.
Allow her to earn special privileges or rewards for staying in her bed. No rewards won.
I have sat in her room and quietly counted to 100 (or 200 or whatever it took), knowing that my voice was soothing when she struggled to calm down.
We have met with her doctor to talk about other methods.
I have read extremely boring stories to her.
I have kept to a routine every night.
I have run her ragged during the day in hopes that she would fall asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow.
We allow her to listen to Chris Tomlin (her favorite Christian artist) at bedtime so she has something calming to fall asleep to.
She has a nightlight so it is not too dark and a bit of water by her bedside in case she gets thirsty.
I have tried other methods that I will not discuss on this blog because the world doesn't need to know it all. (Keep in mind, we have been at this for over 3 years - we've tried a lot of ideas with consistency, mind you).
Now, these were not all the techniques we tried. Often times we failed. (I have a picture of her sleeping under my computer desk where I was working on something). Honestly, there are times when it is better to just let go than to let myself get out of control with frustration and anger. Those times when I failed, we were both better off because no one got hurt.
Today's gift of survival: grace. We try very hard not to be a crutch to her when it comes to sleeping at night. My husband and I have agreed that our children will fall asleep in their own beds by themselves. I know every family thinks differently and has different methods for their children. And to each their own (that's my way of saying I don't mean to get into a discussion about right or wrong methods here).
And back to grace: this evening I walked my daughter back to her room and laid on her floor until she fell asleep. We talked about grace and how that means you get something good that you don't really deserve (Mommy staying in her room with her even after the fits and whining and complaining - lest you think I was giving in, this is something that is rarely done and it still took another 1.5 hours before she was asleep).
And then I was able to turn it around to her and me and our relationship with God. I talked with her about how we find a lot to complain about and get upset about. We don't spend enough time with God and we often disobey, doing what we want instead. And yet he shows us grace. He never leaves us or forsakes us. He has given us Salvation: the greatest
undeserved favor.
And what have I learned from this whole experience? Only that I have no patience and that in certain situations I get easily frustrated. And that I have a temper. (What?! KC has a temper? Shocking...) And that I am merely human and cannot rely on myself to make it through trials in life (and to me, yes, this is a trial. If you've been there, you know. I have cried MANY a tear).
When I am in the midst of this situation, I want to scream! When it rises in my throat (along with anger and other mean and nasty stuff) I pray. Nothing fancy, just "God, please help me." And sometimes I just say that over and over and over. Until I calm down enough to take some deep cleansing breaths and have fought back the screaming urge. Then 15 minutes later it starts all over again!
God certainly uses my kids to remind me of how feeble I am on my own. They are a great reminder of how I can't do this parenting thing on my own.
Oh, and a crazy thing I realized a while back: after all the bedtime drama (sometimes a 3+ hour ordeal) I will go back and check on my children while they sleep and suddenly the monkeys from the day are perfect angels to me. God did that on purpose: when they are asleep, we are reminded of why we so desperately love them. Maybe that's why God never slumbers or sleeps: so He can look upon us when we aren't doing stupid human stuff and be reminded of how much He loves us.
KC - still sane, still surviving.
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