Monday, January 25, 2016

tired of failing

I realized something today while I was homeschooling my kiddos and it hit me pretty hard. Hard enough to make the kind impact that changes a person's perspective on life. 

Over the past few months, maybe even years, I have been losing my joy in my calling.

I guess I've seen it happening. Everything in life started to seem like work. Even some of my favorite things lost their enjoyment. 

But today the reason behind it hit me square between the eyes: I've been so caught up in the areas in life that I'm failing, that I'm struggling to find the joy in what I'm doing each day.

Cleaning (HAHAHAHA! Constant failure!)
And 75 other things (minimum)
All areas where a majority of what I see is failure.

And the crazy thing is that if I look back at that last month since the busy schedule of the holidays has passed and I've gotten back into my ridiculous routine/schedule, I've actually been more organized and productive in day to day life. 

And yet all that sticks out in my mind is my failures. 

And feeling like a failure is exhausting. I'm constantly trying to do better, make improvements, get more accomplished, work harder. All that would be great if I felt like I was making progress, but the shortcomings glare at me. 

You know why? I think that stinky devil has a way of making our failures so obvious that we can't see past them. 

But today, God gave me a little song. It's a bit repetitive but it goes a little something like this:
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
The joy of the Lord is my strength.
(There are other verses, but this one has been running on repeat in my head today.)

So I finished out the remainder of my day realizing that although I might not be perfect, it's okay because I can draw the strength I need from the God who is. He is the source of true joy. I've known this for many years, but some days it gets buried beneath life. Today I dug it back out again and starting searching for the enjoyment of what God has called me to do:
Cleaning (okay, maybe there's not a whole lot of joy in that...)
and about 75 other things!

And for the first time in a while, I'm looking forward to enjoying tomorrow, even though there are appointments and whiny children, school and a thousand piano lessons, mom being a taxi driver, children whining (some more) and 20 other reasons for me to be crabby. I'll look for the joy.

And find it.


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