Thursday, February 18, 2016

let me sleep!

Sometimes I wake up early in the morning from a deep sleep with intense thoughts. 
It's strange. I'll be in the midst of a dream only to wake to the realization that I didn't answer an email the night before, or worrying about an upcoming event, or stressing about the day ahead. It stinks because I really like sleeping and I'm not a fan of waking up before I'm supposed to!

The last time this happened was a couple mornings ago and my mind went through a whole process of thinking through the problem, stressing, and then realizing the solution that God put in front of my face and finally mellowing out so I could fall asleep again for an hour. 

I woke up thinking about being the mom of my two kids and wondering how many ways I was failing them. Were they going to resent me in the future? Would I regret the choices I made in parenting? Would my insufficiencies and short comings in parenting ruin them as adults? (If you can hear my voice getting faster and more high-pitched with each question, then you understand what was going on in my head that morning!) 
(This. For reals.)

As I lay there, thinking about all the things I could be and should be doing better as a mom, I realized once again that I'm not perfect and never will be. And again God reminded me that He's got my back. (Goodness, God must get tired of reminding me of things. He has to do it all the time!) 

This was the mental picture that He created for me (He knows what method of learning works best for me: pictures!) I imagined my children's lives as jars. I am constantly filling those jars with pebbles. Those pebbles are the lessons I'm teaching, the seeds I'm planting, the example I'm trying to be, the intentional conversations, the time, wisdom, amd experience I am pouring into them. But when I look at the jar, I see so many empty spaces between the pebbles. 

Then God comes along and pours sand into all the empty spaces. He fills in where I am lacking. I could not do this mom thing without Him right there, covering me with His grace for all my failures. 

He knows me. He knows my gifts and strengths as well as my shortcomings. And He still determined that I could parent these two kids. 

That's because He knew when He gave them to me, He'd be parenting them right beside me. They're gonna be okay because their lives are not solely in the hands of their earthly parents! Phew.

All of that took about 45 minutes to resolve itself at Way Too Early O'clock in the morning. I was finally able to fall asleep again for another hour (although I would have fallen asleep even if I knew I only had 10 minutes till I had to get up. I'm telling you, I like my sleep.) 

I appreciate God's revelations in my life. I really, truly do! But I'm hoping maybe He'll wait till I'm awake to share the next one with me. 


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