You see, last night I wrote a post about being a mom and all the stresses that accompany that. It is down-in-the-trenches work, some days! And so I was making a choice to find more joy in being a mom, in being me, just in life in general.
These are all good things, and I know it! Seriously and for reals: I wanted to encourage all y'all in life and to be the best me I can be according to what God has called me to do. I know I'm far from perfect, but I know with that post, I was going the right direction.
And then BOOM!! Out of left field, (or right field? I don't know...) I was faced with an escalating and frustrating and irritating and downright angering situation with one of my kids. Buttons pushed, every single stinking one of them, mean words were said to me, disrespect was thrown followed by disobedience and there I was, standing on the edge.
That edge has many different directions but once you snap, you're going down. I felt myself snap and went in a direction I later had to apologize for. No children were harmed in the direction I went, but it was not a proud moment. It was all me, I lost it, I went into crazy town until that child finally got out of my sight.
Why, my friends, why?! Why must it be that when we take strides forward, we are pushed and shoved back until we feel like utter failures once again? Oh, the utter discouragement! I had a meeting with a friend shortly thereafter and was in tears and felt like throwing up because of the physical effects of my disappointment. By the grace of God, she was on the exact same page I was and lifted me up and so did another of my dearest friends who pulled me out of my pit with her perspective and words of encouragement and empathy.
People, the devil does not rest. He targets. He looks for those trying to make strides towards God's calling and then he batters them. It is a battle that we fight for our children and for our own lives. When we recognize the warfare, that it isn't just us being horrible, terrible people, that it means we are making progress because otherwise why would he fight us so hard, that makes it easier to get back up and continue slogging through the muck to fight again.
And mommas, those of you feeling downtrodden, or worthless, or like you couldn't possibly be a more horrible mom - you are not alone. This is why I write. This is why I share with vulnerability. This is why: so that you might know that life is not all about the perfect Instagram post or Facebook picture you see other women posting. This is real life: the ugly, the frustrating, and the sobbing. Today I was all three.
I need another piece of cookie dough.