getting

Perhaps one of the most crucial books for my marriage was one that was given to me shortly after Scott and I were married. We both read it and it has played a huge part in my perspective towards marriage and is also the reason for much of the success in our relationship. 

His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Harley, Jr. 

I loaned that book out so many times that I no longer know where it is. And it has been years since I read it so I don't remember all the details (time to re-buy it!) but one important piece of advice that has been re-iterated over and over by those who are in successful relationships is this:

Marriage is not about what you get. 

Marriage is about what you give.

Maybe this doesn't work for you or for your relationship. But for me, it defines what I am doing in my relationship. I am striving to figure out what makes my husband tick and to meet those needs. 

I'm not perfect at this whole "giving of myself" thing. My husband can attest to that. My selfishness likes to get in the way...frequently. I can easily slip into the mindset of, "Why didn't he do this for me?" or "How could he have forgotten about that?" or "Why doesn't he think the same way I do?" and his favorite: "Why can't he read my mind?!"

And that's where I need to stop myself or the bitterness will build up and I will become so self-focused that I become useless to the relationship, not giving of myself whatsoever. 

I know this isn't a popular view these days: "giving" as opposed to "getting," but I've seen the success it has brought to our relationship when both of us employ the same mindset, even when we don't feel like it. (It is very difficult to make a tasty dinner when you are mad at your husband. And to wash his clothes when you know it would feel better to throw them away!) 

Plus, it's Biblical. And I'm a huge fan of all things Biblical because that God who inspired the Bible is a gazillion times wiser than me.

See?

KC