pa

As I prepared to write this post this evening, I realized that I would be exposing some very honest emotions that I deal with on a regular basis. As I bare my heart, I hope that you all can read with a heart of understanding and compassion.

My Dad passed away 7 years ago after fighting cancer for 9 months. He was only 65. That was hard. Inexplicably difficult. But the emotions that followed were unexpected and just as difficult to sort through.

Here goes:

I envy my oldest brother. He got to spend more of his life with my dad. Thirteen years more. All my brothers had more years than I did. Their kids have memories with their grandpa. They have pictures with him. They have treasures he made for them. My daughter was 18 months when he died. My son was not born. Perhaps I shouldn't feel that envy, but my Dad was an awesome grandpa. And my kids never experienced that. I am bitter. Not towards my brothers. But just at how unfair life is.

When people are saddened by the loss of an elderly loved one, a grandparent or even a parent, I often fight feelings of frustration. 65. My dad was only 65 years old. Just old enough to retire, to do retirement stuff with my mom, to teach his grand kids neat things, to be there when we needed his advice. He never lived to a "ripe old age." It's not fair. 

My dad was neat. When I talk to friends I've made in the past 7 years, I tell them how much they would have liked him. "He was a real kick in the pants!" is what I tell them. When I talk to people who did know him, every person has fond memories. Everybody liked him. He made people smile all the time. That was his purpose in life. Seriously, people, you don't know what you've missed out on by never having met my dad. It's no wonder my mom misses him so much. 

I need my dad. I was his little girl. There is a void that no one can fill. There is no one like him. He was special. What we had was special. I miss him. 

When Father's Day comes around, I just want to focus on my husband and not think about my Pa. It hurts. It sucks. So I ignore it. I try not to confront it. Because when it comes to the surface, it aches.

So how's that for a happy Father's Day?! (Sorry!)

Let me go ahead and try to flip this for you.

The people you have in your life: value them. Love them. Appreciate them. Even if they are not perfect, find the good and appreciate that. Create memories, take pictures, do stuff together!

Most of you will read this tomorrow, on Father's Day. Go find your dad and spend time with him. Because he's here, now. 

KC